Chapter 20

"You remind me of David alot," I said quietly. "It's kind of scary how your life was very similar to his. I can't help but wonder sometimes if he was still alive if he would be playing in the NHL. That was always his dream."
"Isn't it every Canadian kid's dream? I'm sure he would've made it here. And who knows, he could've been teaching me a thing or two!"
I looked at Sid with adoring eyes.
"Seriously though Beks, thank you."
"For what?"
"For trusting me with your past. I feel so close to you right now, and that's all I ever wanted." He leaned in to kiss me but I stopped him.
"Sidney, I told you everything because I needed you to understand why I am the way I am and why I feel the way I feel. It wasn't fair the way I'd been treating you. But that doesn't mean that anything between us has changed. I just don't see how there can be anything romantic between us."
Sid was very confused. "Did we or did we not just have a major breakthrough here? You just said that David was pushing us together and now you're going to ignore that?"
"Sidney, I care about you very much, I adore you actually, but maybe he brought you into my life to kind of replace him? He was my best friend and the one person I could truly be myself around. I feel the same way when I'm with you. There is nothing romantic about that."
"You can't deny that we have some serious chemistry between us. I feel it and I know you do too. If you put it all together, that sounds like a perfect relationship to me."
"First of all, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Second of all, there is a monumental age difference that just can't be ignored."
"Oh for fuck sakes Bekah! How many times do we have to go over this?" I could hear the anger building in his voice. "Age is just a god damn number! It's the connection between two people and the things they have in common that make a relationship work."
"And you know this how?" I asked a little harshly. "You haven't had a relationship that lasted longer than 30 seconds and you certainly haven't had a grown up relationship. You're still a kid yourself."
"I'm getting really sick and tired of you referring to me as a kid. I think I've proven I'm not an average 18 year old," he said bitterly.
"Yes, in many ways you have," I said trying to take a gentler tone. "But not in this way. The reality remains the same Sid. I have two kids to consider. I cannot afford to be an experiment to see if you can handle an adult relationship and all the complications that come with it. It may not seem like it, but I am trying to do what's best for you too. It's not fair to burden you with all the excess baggage I come with. You have enough on your plate. You need to find yourself a girl who can give you the kind of love and support you need, someone who can just focus on you and building a life with you. You deserve that."
"I can't believe that you are trying to disguise your selfishness with fake concern about what's best for me. You don't have the first clue about what's best for me! It certainly isn't some little puck slut who just wants to fuck me to say that she's been with Sidney Crosby or one that wants to be with with me for what I do and not who I am inside."
I was startled by the viciousness of his words.
"Not all girls are like that. There are good ones out there."
"What kind of girls do you think I get to meet Bekah? You are the one being naive if you think girls like you come along every day."
I need to take a different approach here. "Did you mean it when you said you wanted me in your life even if it was just as a friend?" I asked.
"Well, yes but because I thought once you got to know me, you would not be able to resist my incredible charms and you'd fall madly in love with me," he said coyly. Finally the mood was starting to lift! "I was just trying to keep you in my life."
"Well, if you really just want me to be part of your life then being your friend is all I can offer you. You're going to have to decide if knowing that it will never amount to anything more, that's enough for you. I have to get ready for my day. You take some time and really think about this. When you're ready, let me know."