Chapter 21

I stood in the shower and let the scalding water run down my back. I couldn't move. Telling Sid all the gory details of my past had brought back feelings that had been suppressed for so long I was actually feeling nauseous, like I had been kicked in the stomach. I hadn't felt like that since the last time Jeff had beat me. This time it was for a completely different reason. I tasted the salt from the tears I'd been shedding since Sid left. He had been so comforting and loving when I had told him about my past, but when he leaned in to kiss me I panicked! I fed him that bullshit about only being able to be friends when the truth is he was right. There was incredible chemistry between us and the more time I spent with him, the deeper my feelings were becoming. I had questioned whether or not I was actually having romantic feelings towards him or if I just saw him as a replacement for David, loving him like a brother. But the first time he held me and electricity ran through my entire body making my knees weak, I knew it was more than that. And when he had kissed my forehead so gently I found myself yearning to know what those beautiful lips would feel like on my mouth. He had awakened a fire in me that I had long put out. I was craving him! I was falling in love with him. Just the thought that he was breaking down the wall I had built around my heart scared me to death! That's why I had to end it before it ever got started! I couldn't be with Sidney Crosby! What the hell did he see in me anyways? I was an emotional basket case, I had a few extra pounds that I was never able to loose after Jake was born despite working out everyday, I was boring and plain looking and then of course there were the kids and the age thing. I definitely did not fit in his world. I've seen some of the other player's wives and girlfriends and there is no way I compared. They were gorgeous! There are so many beautiful, young girls throwing themselves at him everyday, everywhere he goes, I can't compete with them. No, it was best for both of us this way. I know he couldn't see that this was the best thing for him but in time he would realize I was right. I cared about him so deeply and I just want him to be happy. I could never make him happy like he deserved. He was the most amazing, caring, loving person I had ever met and he needs a girl who can be all that and more in return. When he meets her, I know he will forgive me for pushing him out of my life. I just hope I can forgive myself for letting him go.