The ride home was long and silent; not even the radio was on. Lucie must have sensed something had happened because she had insisted the boys ride home with them, leaving Max and I alone. We didn't look at each other and the tension was thick. I knew Max's mind was probably reeling since I hadn't said a word since his proclamation of love but mine was doing the same. I knew right now I couldn't say anything to put his mind at ease so I did the only thing I could; I reached over and placed my hand on top of his - the one that had been resting on the gear shift, and gave it a gentle squeeze...and didn't let go. I hoped this small gesture was enough to ease his mind for the next little while.
How did I get in this situation? Two words...Sidney Crosby. My life has been a disaster since the day we met. If it hadn't been for him, making me fall in love with him, I wouldn't be faced with this predicament right now. I would have never opened myself up to the heartache I knew he would and inevitably did cause me; I wouldn't have been on this emotional roller coaster for the past year and a half and I would have never met Max.
Maxime Talbot. The only good thing to come out of this whole mess. No, that's not fair. Sidney taught me alot: never to give up on something you want; if you love something enough you can overcome almost any obstacle; and if you never take a risk, your life will be empty. He also taught me the importance of being passionate about something and opening yourself up to love. My time with Sidney was...special and I will hold a special place in my heart for him always, but our time had past; we tried and failed and now it was time to move on. But could I move on with Max?
Once we got home everyone opened one present and as per the Talbot family tradition everyone's gift was the same - pyjamas to wear to bed and open presents in on Christmas morning which by now was only a few hours away.
By the time we got the boys settled down and into bed, everyone else was exhausted and turned in for the night as well. About an hour later I couldn't sleep and got up to make myself some tea. I took my steaming cup out on the back deck hoping the fresh air would clear my mind.
It was a gorgeous night, not very cold and every star in the night sky seemed to be shining. I took a sip of the hot liquid and closed my eyes to savour the taste. I inhaled deeply and was startled by the feeling of a warm body behind me and arms around my waist.
"What are you doing out here bijou?"
"Couldn't sleep. My best friend kinda dropped a bomb on me earlier."
"Are we going to talk about it?"
"I guess we should."
"I know what you're going to say bijou. You're going to tell me that I'm crazy and you don't feel the same way and it will never work but the way I see it, it already is working. We love each other and we're already living like we're a family. You and the boys are everything to me; I would give my life for any one of you."
"I know that Max, but loving someone, wanting to take care of them is completely different than being IN love with them."
"I know the difference bijou and it does not change how I feel. I have been in love with you since the first day I met you and every moment we have spent together since. My question to you is, do you...or can you feel the same way?"
I turned and looked at him for the first time.
"I don't want to mislead you Max. The honest answer is I don't know and I don't know if it's worth risking our friendship to find out. I can't lose what we have Max."
"But what if it only makes it better?"
"What if we try and it doesn't work?"
"Then we still have what we have now."
"Will we? You think you will be able to have the same kind of relationship if I tell you I'm not and can't ever be in love with you? You're lying to yourself and me if you think nothing will change."
"Okay, I get why you're scared and why you think things will change and it probably will break my heart if you can't love me the way I love you, but it wouldn't be any different than me spending the last year watching you get tied up in knots over Sidney. It killed me to watch you with him, watch him treat you like shit and still supporting your relationship because I knew you loved him and that's what you wanted. But I did because I love you and I would do anything to make you happy."
"I know you would Max, and I would do anything to never, ever hurt you."
"Then don't," he said quietly as he moved closer until his forehead was resting against mine.
"Max I..."
"Shhhh," he whispered.
Something in my gut was telling me this was it - jump in with both feet and hope I don't drown. Maybe I have been ignoring what's been right in front of me.
I guess there's only one way to find out.
"Maxie?" I whispered.
"Oui bijou?"
"Kiss me."
