I'm back did ya miss me? Letang story is updated too!
"You miss me too."
I couldn't tell if it was a statement or a question.
"Yes, Sidney of course I miss you. I've missed you for the last three months," I said in a lower voice.
"Can we go somewhere and talk?"
I gave him a slight nod before turning to face Sam.
"Do you think you can stay out of trouble for a few minutes?"
"Trouble's my middle name babe!"
"You have been spending too much time with Talbot," I whispered quietly in his ear before kissing the top of his head.
That cheeky grin was his only response.
"See ya Sid! Thanks for coming to see me!"
"No problem Sam, I'll see you again soon okay?"
"OKAY!"
"I don't think you should be saying things like that unless you can back them up. It will break his heart when you don't show up again," I said through pursed lips as we left Sam's room.
"Who said I won't show up?"
"Well forgive me Sidney, but you don't have a very good track record."
"When I say I'm going to do something I do it."
"Except when it comes to me is that it?"
"Can we do this somewhere a little more private?"
"Right, wouldn't want to tarnish your golden reputation," I replied snidely. "In here," I ordered opening the door to the nurses lounge.
"No one will bother us in here, there's no one due for break for another 2 hours."
I poured us both a cup of coffee and sat across the table from Sidney.
"You wanted to talk so talk," I said.
He didn't know where to start. He'd been waiting a week to get this chance and now there were no words coming to him. It didn't help that Bekah was just staring at him with absolutely no sparkle in her eye. 'When did that go away?' he thought.
"Okay, I'll start," I said breaking the silence. "I don't think we have anything left to talk about Sidney. I've said everything I have to say."
"Well maybe I haven't. You're not the only one in this relationship Beks."
"You could have fooled me! I've been the only one in this relationship for months!"
"That's not fair."
"It may not be fair but it's a fact. Anything left to say will just be beating a dead horse."
"So that's it? You've said what you have to say and that's the end of it? You get to decide this relationship is over and I don't get a say?"
"What's the point? We've had this conversation more times than I can count and nothing ever changes. You say you know you screwed up and you just need a chance to prove yourself and then nothing. Nothing changes. You can't change."
"Beks, I know I haven't done a very good job at managing the hockey life and my personal life, but I can do better. I will do better."
"Why? Why now Sidney? You've been saying that you'll do better since we left Nova Scotia. Why should I believe you now?"
"Because I was taking you for granted before. I knew we loved each other and I just assumed that would be enough; that you loved me enough to stick with me. We've been through so much; you've been through so much to even let me in your life, I didn't think it would be so easy for you to throw it away."
"Easy! You think this was easy? I have been agonizing over this for two months! Every time you said you were coming over and then you didn't show up; every time we had plans and I sat waiting for hours because you got held up at a photo shoot or an interview or a charity thing. When I asked you to come and meet Sam and you couldn't just do it as a favour it had to be about business. Every time I've had to sit at home while the other wags got to attend team functions with their men because the world would come to an end if people knew you had a girlfriend. You think that's easy? Don't you dare tell me this was an easy decision. I still didn't throw in the towel after fighting about Thanksgiving. I tried the compromise - I told myself if you made any kind of effort, if you showed up just to decorate the tree, or if you showed up after dinner then maybe we had a chance; maybe I was some sort of priority for you. But you didn't. You had to wait until everyone was asleep before sneaking out of the house - That doesn't exactly scream 'you're important to me!' That was the last straw. I can't keep being the least important person in your life; it's not fair to me and it's not fair to you."
"But that's not the way it is - you are important to me. You are the only person I can really be myself around; the only one who gets me. You keep me sane when everything around me is out of my control. Do you have any idea how much I need that? How much I need you?"
"No, I don't! How would I? Oh right, maybe because of all the time we spend together. Or maybe because we talk so often. Oh no wait! I has to be because you actually tell me! When was the last time you told me you love me Sid?"
"Just now in Sam's room."
"And before that?"
"I tell you I love you all the time, every time we talk."
"September 27. That was the last time you actually said the words I love you to me. Ever since then I tell you I love you and your response is always the same: 'Yeah, me too babe.' How do you think that makes me feel?"
"I don't... I haven't...been doing that have I?"
"That's exactly what I mean. You don't even know what you've been doing Sidney. I know it's not what you want to hear, but let's just have the courage to say enough is enough. You have no room for me in your life and if there's anything I've learned from you it's not to settle for anything less than 100%. I think we need to just walk away before we end up hating each other."
Sidney got on his knees in front of me and held my hands. It was the first time I'd ever felt his hands be cold.
"I could never hate you," he whispered. "I know you don't believe me, but I love you, more than you could ever know. I know I haven't done a very good job at showing you or telling you, but I do, I love you and I know you love me. We can work through this. I don't want to lose you; I can't lose you."
His head was down in my lap and it didn't take a genius to figure out that the normally quiet and reserved Sidney was doing his best to keep his emotions on the same path, with little success. His sob took me by surprise more than it did him and once again I was feeling that tug at my heartstrings.
"Sidney, look at me."
His golden orbes looked up at me through tear soaked eyelashes, pleading with me not to say the words that he knew were coming.
"I do love you Sidney, and I know in your own way you love me too, but let's face it; love just isn't enough. We can't keep doing this to each other. I love you enough to know that I am not what's best for you right now, so I'm letting you go before we hurt each other anymore."
"No, this can't be the end Beks," he sobbed.
"It has to be Sidney."
He took a few moments to pull himself together before speaking again.
"What will you tell the boys?"
I was a little caught off guard by his question.
"The truth I guess."
"I want them to know that I love them and I will still be there for them any time they need me; they can call me anytime. I mean it, anytime."
"I will make sure they know that."
"I can't believe this is happening. How am I supposed to walk away from the best thing that ever happened to me?"
"Because it's the right thing to do."
"How does this work? I mean are we still friends, are we still going to talk, can I still call you sometimes?"
"Sidney, being just friends was never our strong suit. I think a clean break is best; no phone calls or anything like that."
"So I'm just supposed to pretend that we never happened?"
"No, not at all. There's so much I think we've learned from each other. I know I will hold onto that and I hope you do too. And maybe someday I'll be at the point where we can be friends and talk once in a while, but right now, I just need a clean break and time. I hope you can understand that. To offer anything more would just be too hard for me Sidney. I need time to heal."
"So that's it then?"
I nodded.
He turned to walk away from me for the last time, but stopped himself.
"For what it's worth, I am sorry."
"I know, me too," I whispered.
He took my face in his strong hands, now trembling and placed the sweetest kiss on my lips. When we parted his voice was barely above a whisper.
"I will never stop loving you Beks. Never."
And after entering my life over a year before like a lightening bolt, he exited like a gentle wind with barely enough strength to blow out a candle.
