Sidney's POV

"What the hell is wrong with him?" Colby asked Marc as they watched Sid throw each and every piece of his equipment at his stall.
"He's having a rough night. I'd just stay away from him if you know what's good for you. There's no talking to him when he's like this."
"Does he freak out like this often?" Colby asked as shoulder pads went flying by his head.
"No, not often. And it's never been this bad," was Marc's only reply.

Troy and Mario entered the locker room and witnessed the tantrum Sid was in the middle of. They were much more brave than the rest of the team that had abandoned ship to head to the showers. Troy and Mario headed straight for the Bermuda triangle.

"You had a pretty good game tonight son, but what is wrong with you? You need to calm yourself down, you have interviews to do."
I took a long, deep breath before speaking. "I'm not doing media tonight, I'm going to ride the bike for a while. Mario, please tell coach and the press."
"Sidney, I know I don't need to remind you of the position that your in or the responsibilities that go with it. Now get yourself ready and talk to the press."
"Fuck the press dad! I am very well aware of what is expected of me, and right now I don't give a shit. The world is not going to come to an end if I skip the media for one fucking night. Deal with it!"
"Troy, let's just leave him be for the time being? Sid, I'll let them know."

Why can't they leave me alone for one fucking night? As I headed for the bike, I realized I was to wound up for that. Weights. I went over to the machine and put 100 pounds more than I usually do on it. I had alot of aggression I could focus on the extra weight. After 10 minutes, my arms felt like they were going to rip out of their sockets so I headed for the bike. It was my solace. Any time I had something to work through, the bike was the place I could be by myself and focus.
I peddled and peddled and peddled until I could barely feel my legs anymore. I had no idea how long I'd been there until I felt a hand touch my shoulder.
"Jesus Marc, you scared the hell out of me!"
"Sorry mon ami. You've been on that thing for two hours. Don't you think it deserves a rest?"
"I didn't realize it had been that long. Is everyone gone?"
"Everyone but us."
"Why are you still here? Isn't Vero waiting for you?"
"I called and told her I was going to be late," Marc said taking a seat on the bike next to Sid. "Want to talk about it," he asked timidly.
"NO." I started to peddle again and then stopped when I looked at Marc and he was giving me that look.
"I just...I just...how could she do that Marc. I mean, it's only been three days. Three fucking days, and she brings another guy to the game?"
I couldn't tell if it was tears or sweat dripping down my face, but I really didn't care. All the raw emotions I was feeling were exploding to the surface.
"She said it was too much too fast and now she's what? Dating someone else and bring him to the game! My fucking game! Why doesn't she just drive a knife right through my heart? If she wanted to be with someone else why didn't she just tell me? I can't believe she'd throw it in my face like that! That's cold. I did what she wanted. I haven't even tried to call her. Why did she have to come here with him? I don't get it, is she deliberately trying to hurt me? What the fuck is wrong with her? What the fuck is wrong with ME? I can't believe I thought I loved her! I could never love anyone who could be so cruel."
"Are you just about done?"
"Done! I'm just getting started! I am so fucking furious right now Marc..."
"Take a breath Sid! Calm down and let's look at this rationally. You remember what that is right?"
"I'm not in the mood for your sarcasm Flower."
"Let's just look at this piece by piece. First of all, I hate to be the one to tell you, but you two weren't even together."
"Not officially no. But we were headed there."
"And love? When did that happen?!"
"Probably the first night I met her, but a little more every day I spent with her. We were getting so close up until a few days ago, then bam! Out of know where, it's over."
"And nothing out of the ordinary happened? You two didn't fight about anything?"
"No! I told you about Christmas and how great it was, and then when I came back, that was it. Done. She had been acting kinda weird before Christmas, but she said she was sick and then Christmas was fine."
"It just doesn't make sense."
"I know, that's what's so hard. Even her friend Lily thought something was off, but after she talked to her, she told me getting close to me was too much for her and she wasn't over what happened with her ex."
Now Marc was getting confused too. "Well, if that's true, why would she be dating someone else?"
"I have noooooooooooo idea. None of this makes sense and it's driving me crazy!"
"Okay, I know I don't know her that well, but in your heart of hearts, do you honestly believe that Bekah would end things with you and start dating someone else? And then bring him to a game? It doesn't sound like something she would do. She doesn't play games like other girls."
"I didn't think so either, but what other explanation is there?"
"I don't have the answer to that. Maybe you should try talking to her."
"I can't do that. She probably would talk to me anyway. She wants nothing to do with me anymore."
"Quit feeling sorry for yourself. You'll never know if you don't try. Besides, who said you actually had to talk to her. Text her. See how that goes first."
"I suppose you're right."
"Of course I'm right! That's why you keep me around!" he said getting off the bike. "Now, go home and call her. I'll see you in the morning," he said heading for the door.
"Hey Marc?"
"Oui?"
"Do you think we'll work this out?"
"Oui. I'm sure of it."
"Thanks Marc. I really appreciate everything..."
Marc held up his hand to stop me from talking. "Just work it out and get back to the old Sid."

I couldn't wait to get home to call her. What happened tonight was driving me crazy. I dialed her number. No answer, just as I suspected. My heart grew heavy in my chest. We'll try it this way then. I texted:
'We need to talk.' I waited...and waited...and waited. Finally!
'Nothing to talk about.' Was she serious?
'Explanation would be nice.'
'For what?'
'The guy...who is he???' Again I waited.
'I don't owe you an explanation and it's none of your business.'
'I think I'm entitled to something?'
'You are entitled to nothing. We are nothing. Discussion over. Please leave me alone.'
'How can you be so cruel?' I waited...and waited.
No response.

Chapter 56

"Here, these are for you," I said handing Scott an envelope.
"What's this?"
"Consider it a slightly belated Christmas gift," I told him.
He wrinkled his forehead and looked at me with a very questioning gaze. When he saw what was inside, he dropped the envelope on the ground and stood starring at me in disbelief, unable to speak.
"Well, what is it?" Gloria asked with childlike enthusiasm.
"It's...it's...oh my god...it's..."
"It's what?" she asked more than slightly annoyed.
"It's my tickets to the next two Pens games," I replied feeling rather proud of myself. "One tonight and one New Year's eve. I want you two to go and enjoy yourselves. Get out of this hospital for while, be normal for a few hours."
"Oh Bekah, we can't possibly accept these," Gloria said picking the envelope off the floor.
"Like hell we can't!" Scott said snatching the envelope out of her hands.
Gloria looked at me with a knowing look. "You really should be using them yourself, Bekah."
"I can't. I need to take a break from hockey. Besides, I'll probably pick up a few extra shifts or something, stay busy."
Just as Gloria was about to argue with me, she stopped herself. It was almost like a light bulb went off.
"I'll make you a deal," she said. "Scott really should experience his first game with another hockey fan so, if you go to the game with him tonight, I'll go with him on New Year's. Deal?"
"Gloria, I really don't want to..."
"That's the deal. It's either that or nothing, you can give the tickets to someone else."
"Are you crazy Gloria?" Scott sniped at his wife. "Those are amazing tickets! Bekah please, for the love of god..."
I shot Gloria a slight look of contempt. "I know what you're doing Gloria, and it's not going to work."
She just smiled a devilish smile.
"Fine. But I'm telling you Gloria, just because I'm going doesn't mean anything. I'm not changing my mind about anything."
"I don't know what the hell you two are talking about," Scott interrupted, "but I don't care! I'm going to the Pens game Whooo hoooo!" He ran out of the room and high fived the poor unsuspecting orderly who was just wandering by.

***************************************************

As we made our way to the top of the stairs, a huge knot started to form in the pit of my stomach. Scott and I both paused and took in the awesome sight. Just as we were about to start making our way down towards our seats, I saw a familiar friendly face smiling at me.
"Hey Miss...I mean Bekah."
"Nate. It's good to see you."
"You too. I missed you last game."
"Yeah, I haven't been feeling well lately. Oh, I'm sorry Scott. Scott, this is Nate, the best damn usher at the Igloo. Nate, this is a good friend of mine Scott."
Nate looked at me with a puzzled look on his face as the two men shook hands.
"We should get to our seats," I said quickly. "I'll catch ya after the game Nate."

As we made our way down the stairs, that knot grew bigger and bigger. I wasn't sure what emotions I was feeling. Nervous? Scared? Both? 'Try to stay clam,' I told myself. 'He won't expect you to be here. He probably won't even look for you.' I was praying he wouldn't. I don't think I would be able to handle eye contact with those beautiful hazel eyes.
We took our seats and watched the warm up. Scott amazed me with his knowledge of almost every Pens player that skated by us. Luckily, Sid was on the other side of the ice running drills with this Armstrong kid I'd never seen before. 'Hmm. He must be a new one,' I thought to myself. 'So far, so good!'
I had managed to start to relax a little and was actually enjoying the game until the end of the second period. 30 seconds remained and Sid scored off a beauty pass from Armstrong to tie the game. The celebration was taking place right in front of us. I hadn't seen a smile that big on Sid's face in a long time, and then, it happened. Eye contact! That wonderful smile was quickly replaced by a look of surprise, followed by a look of hurt. His hazel eyes bore a hole right down to the depths of my soul. I couldn't take it anymore. I had to look away, but where. The first thing my eyes fell upon was Scott who scooped me up in a bear hug in the midst of his own celebration. When he put me back on the ground, I turned to sit down in time to see Sidney shaking his head and then skate to the bench. The whole exchange probably lasted about 20 seconds, but it felt like an eternity, like everything was happening in slow motion.
When the boys took the ice for the third period, Marc made it a point to look right at me and give me a little wave. I gave him a half smile and a nod. I could only imagine what Sid had said to him in the locker room. I knew this was a mistake, I shouldn't have come. But when I looked at Scott and saw the look of pure joy and excitement on his face, it put everything in perspective. Sure, I felt uncomfortable, but Scott was having the time of his life and he deserved a little happiness.
The game ended and the crowd was wild. The Pens won, for the first time in a while. As the team skated out on the ice to congratulate one another, I felt the burning of Sidney's glare. He did not take his eyes of of us the whole time they were out on the ice. He even made it a point to skate by the glass where we were sitting. I avoided making eye contact with him again. I couldn't handle it. I knew if I looked into his eyes again, I'd lose it. I turned to Scott to tell him we needed to leave and he wrapped me in yet another bear hug. As we began to separate, he gave me a peck on the cheek and said, "I don't know how I could ever thank you for tonight Bekah. It has truly been one of the best nights in my entire life, certainly the best I've had in a long time."
"Well you deserve it! And no thanks are needed. It's thanks enough just knowing you had a good time. You ready to go?"
"Not really, but I suppose we should."
As we made our way out of the aisle to the stairs I couldn't help myself. As Scott slipped his arm around my shoulder, I turned back towards the ice. He was still there, still watching me. At that moment I couldn't tell which was colder, the temperature of the ice or the icy cold glare shooting out of those hazel eyes that once looked at me with such warmth.

Chapter 55

Going back to work the next day was certainly no picnic. I had spent the rest of the day before in bed with a box of Kleenex watching every sappy chick flick I owned. Somehow I thought watching them pull the plug on Julia Roberts would make the flood fest of tears I was putting on okay. I didn't need the movies to make me cry, but it did make me feel justified. After hours of heartache and sickening love stories, I decided I needed something a little more upbeat. My mind flashed back to night I came home from work to find Sid watching the Mighty Ducks movie. It was stupid I know, but somehow watching it now made me feel close to him.

I couldn't be bothered to do anything more than get dressed to go to work. My eyes were still slightly red and puffy and my head was killing me. I glanced in the mirror as I brushed my teeth.
'Ughh! One look at me and no one will doubt that I was sick,' I thought to myself.



The first thing I did when I got to the hospital was check on Dylan. I hadn't been to see him since he started his chemo treatment. When I walked in his room I was instantly greeted with two warm embraces from Scott and Gloria. I had become close with them over the last few weeks. Turns out Scott was a huge Pens fan and was in complete awe that I had season tickets, let alone the fact that I knew Sidney Crosby. Every time I saw him, we would talk about the previous night's game.
"You're so lucky," he would tell me. "I would kill to have season tickets! I've never even been to a game."
Gloria on the other hand, was also interested in Sidney, but for a much different reason. Scott and I had been discussing the skating party and the fact that I kicked Sid's ass skating. He of course did not believe me and left the room to get coffee for his wife still chuckling at the tall tale I had just told him.
"So, when did you fall in love with him?" she asked me.
"I beg your pardon? I...I'm not...we're not even...we're just friends," I finally managed to spit out.
"Oh honey, it's so obvious."
"Why would you say that?"
"You can see it in your eyes whenever you talk about him. You get this sparkle in your eye, your face starts practically glowing and you seem to go into your own little world when you tell your stories."
"I do not.. do I? I've honestly never thought about him like that."
"What's to think about?" she shrieked. "From the sounds of it, he's wonderful! And he obviously has some serious feelings for you and your boys."
"But I don't...I don't..."
"You don't what?"
"I don't do...that," I said quietly.
"You don't what...fall in love?"
"No. I don't even date. Never have. It's kind of a rule of mine."
"What kind of stupid rule is that?"
"The kind that keeps me and the boys protected."
I didn't need to go any further. I hadn't gone into all the details, but I had opened up to Gloria about my past. Oddly enough, that was another thing we had in common. She herself had been in a marriage with domestic violence. She had barely escaped with her life. Thankfully, there were no children involved.
"I felt the same way once upon a time. But Bekah, you can't go through the rest of your life afraid to love again. If I hadn't woken up and seen what was right before my eyes, I wouldn't be with Scott right now and we wouldn't have this precious baby boy. Despite everything we're going through right now, I wouldn't trade any of it. Scott helped me recover. He showed me that not all men are like that, there are some truly wonderful ones out there. You have found yourself one, and you owe it to yourself and your kids to be open to the possibilities."
It was that conversation that forced me to examine my true feelings for Sidney.

"Jesus girl, you look like shit!" Scott said as I pulled out of his embrace, shaking me from my memories.
"Nice Scott! You could be a little more tactful. Are you okay hon? You do look...not so good."
"I'm fine. I just haven't been feeling well and I'm pretty tired these days."
"I'm going to the cafeteria, anybody want anything?" Scott asked.
"No thanks," Gloria replied.
"Me either, but thank you," I said.
When he was gone, Gloria led me over to the couch and motioned for me to sit down. She looked at me with concern in her eyes.
"Is that man of yours keeping you up too late?" she asked almost hopefully.
I didn't have to say a word, the expression on my face and the tears building up in my eyes said it all.
"Oh honey, what happened? I thought everything was going so well?"
"It was," I replied taking a deep breath. "It just got to be too much too soon. I'm not ready."
She looked in my eyes and pondered over the statement I had just made.
"Okaaaaay. Now how 'bout the truth."
After contemplating my options I said, "Oh, what the hell. It's not like you're ever going to run into any of them."
I relived the story yet again, albeit an abbreviated version. The pain was just as pure as it had been that night.
Gloria let this new information sink in for a moment.
"And you bought that load of garbage? And agreed not to see Sid anymore? That is the most asinine thing I've ever heard!"
"No it isn't," I tried reasoning with her.
"Bekah, never in the history of...well...of anything has falling in love with someone resulted in a career tanking or losing sponsorships or whatever else this guy told you would happen. It just doesn't happen. So you've got a couple kids from a previous marriage, who cares! It's not like your an axe murderer or something."
"But he's not just like everyone else. They are practically dropping the whole weight of the NHL on his shoulders. They expect him to carry the whole league out of the depths of despair after the lockout. That's enormous pressure! He's under relentless scrutiny and he doesn't need any added complications."
"I doubt very much he sees you as a complication. Besides, doesn't he have 'people' to help him with all his responsibilities and shit?"
"Yes, but..."
"But nothing! Fuck Troy Crosby! You just tell him that you're not going to do it and there's nothing he can do about it. Then you go to that boy and tell him you were temporarily insane and beg him for forgiveness. Better yet, why don't you tell him the truth...that his father is an interfering asshole and let him deal with Troy.
"I can't do that Gloria."
"Why the hell not?"
"Two reasons. One, Sid is very close to his father and I am not going to do anything to jeopardize that. Two, I gave Troy my word and I won't go back on it. Besides, I do think it's what's best for him. I gotta go. I have other patients to check on. Thank you for your support Gloria, but really, I'll be fine. It's just going to take some time. I'll check in again later."

'That's just like you Bekah. Always thinking of everyone but yourself,' Gloria thought to herself as Bekah left the room. 'Maybe it's about time someone thought of what's best for you for a change. You may have give that bastard your word...but I didn't!'

Chapter 54

The silence during the ride home from the arena was deafening. Mario and Troy riding in the front while Sid sat alone in the back, starring out into space. Mario had nothing to say to Troy, and Troy knew better than to try and carry on a conversation with his son while he was in a mood.
When they arrived back at the house, Sid went straight to his room only stopping long enough to give Taylor a kiss goodnight. He spoke to no one. Once alone in his room, he couldn't hold in his emotions any longer. He couldn't be bothered to get undressed. He crawled into bed, suit and all, and cried. He lay in the pitch black room remembering every precious moment he had spent with her. He expertly reached through the darkness for the picture on his bedside table, the one of the four of them at the skating party, and clutched it tightly to his chest. That day had been one of his happiest since coming to Pittsburgh. All of his time with her was happy, even when she was being difficult, and god only knows she could be difficult! That was one of the many things he loved about her. One of the things he would always love about her. He didn't care what she said, there would be no moving on for him, not anytime in the near future anyways.
He closed his eyes and thought back to the kiss they had finally shared. Passionate, gentle, full of the love they were both feeling for each other, but too afraid to admit. A small smile appeared across his lips and tears ran down the side of his face. For the first time in his entire life, he cried himself to sleep.

**********************************************

In one of the guest bedrooms of the Lemieux house, Trina was questioning her husband about their son's behaviour.
"What happened out there tonight Troy? Sidney was so angry. It's not like him to play like that. I'm worried about him. I went to his door to say goodnight and I heard him crying."
"Crying? Sidney doesn't cry."
"That's why it's so unsettling, but I'm quite sure I know what I heard Troy. What's going on with him?"
"He has alot of pressure on him hon, and the team isn't doing well. You know he's not used to losing like this. And I'm sure he's not over the Olympic thing either. Everyone has a breaking point and maybe he's reached his. Give him a few days, and I'm sure he'll be back to his old self."
"Are you sure that's all it is? He seems in pretty bad shape for it to just be the pressure and disappointment. Maybe it has something to do with that girl...what's her name?...that he hasn't stopped talking about. Oh what's her name?"
"What girl?"
"You know, the one with the two boys...Bekah! That's her name. Maybe it has something to do with her. He obviously likes her very much."
"Trina, he hardly knows the girl. I'm sure she has nothing to do with any of this. Now stop your worrying, Sidney will be fine. He always bounces back."
"I'm his mother, I will never stop worrying about him, but I hope you're right. I can't stand seeing him like this."

***************************************************

Nathalie sat next to Mario in their bed and studied the disturbing look of worry on his face. She reached out and placed a gentle hand on her husband's back. He took a deep breath at the mere touch of her hand.
"I'm torn Nat. I don't know what to do."
He had told her the whole story the night that it happened, and had filled her in on the most recent events from that morning that he himself had only learned because he had forced Sid to tell him what was bothering him. Sid couldn't keep anything this big from Mario, and Mario could never hide anything from Nathalie, she saw right through it. They both adored Bekah and thought she was so good for Sidney, so they too were in anguish over what Troy had done."
"You're in a very difficult position sweetheart. You promised Troy you'd take care of his son, and you and I both know that he needs Bekah in his life. But you're not his father, Mario. You have to respect Troy's wishes...no matter how much you might disagree with them."
"But this is just so wrong. He loves her Nat, and to keep them apart like that...in such a devious manner...don't you think Sid deserves to know what his father has done?"
"Of course I do, but it's not your place. If you tell him the truth you could damage their relationship and where would that get you? All you can do is be there for Sid when he needs you. I believe those two are meant to be together. The kind of bond they have can survive anything, even a meddling father. Give it time to run it's course, and I bet you'll see them find their way back to each other."
"But will that happen before the kid completely self destructs and blows his rookie season?"
"Only time will tell sweetheart."
"If he doesn't snap out of this funk sooner rather than later, I'll have no choice but to tell him. I won't let him throw this year away."
She gave him a loving kiss on the forehead. After all these years, she still loved his compassion almost above anything else. "You will do what you think is right...you always do."

Chapter 53

"I don't know how you could possibly believe this is what's best for everyone. It's not best for you, or the boys, or Sid. If you love him, you need to fight for him, screw Troy!"
"It's not that simple Lil. It's not just a matter of Troy not liking me, it's the damage I could do to Sid's career. I can't do that to him."
"So what are you going to do, completely walk away? Not see or talk to him ever again? Not go to anymore games? How do you think you're going to pull that off?"
"I'm hoping after the way I treated him, he won't want to see or talk to me."
"I'll tell you right now that's not gonna happen. He's going to give you some time. He thinks you'll come around if he leaves you alone for a bit, but he is NOT giving up on you. He told me that straight up. He senses how you feel about him Bek, he's not going to walk away from that! I hope you have a plan B if you're serious about it being over."
"Not yet, but I will do whatever it takes to make him forget about me."
"And in the meantime, what am I supposed to tell him? He's expecting me to call him and let him know what's going on."
"Make something up. Tell him that I had a complete emotional breakdown, that Christmas pushed me over the edge. Tell him I'm just too damaged and not over what I went through with Jeff and I'll never be able to have a healthy relationship. I don't really care what you tell him, but it better be believable!"
"My first loyalty will always be to you Bekah, but for the record, I do not feel good about lying to him, he deserves better. And I just want to go on record as saying that I think this is a huge mistake that you are making, but I will support you."
"You're right about one thing. He does deserve better...better than me. He deserves to reap the benefits of everything this world has to offer him, everything he worked his entire life to achieve. That's what he deserves."
"True. But he also deserves to be happy, and you my dear, make him happy."

***************************************************

Lily took the boys back to her place to let Bekah have the rest of the day to wallow in her sorrow before she had to go back to work the next day. When the boys were occupied with one of their new games, Lily sat and stared at her phone. She knew she had to call him, but was putting it off as long as she could.
'What am I going to tell him? How can I lie to him knowing how he feels about her and how she feels about him?' she thought to herself.
Just then the ringing of her cell phone snapped her out of her own thoughts. She knew the time had come.
"Hello?"
"Lily, it's Sid. I know you said you would call me, but it's been hours. I can't take it anymore! Is she okay? What happened?"
"I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to you yet, but I just left her not that long ago." Lie number one.
"Is she okay?"
"Physically yes. Emotionally... all I can say is it's not good news."
"Tell me what happened."
"Are you sure? You're not going to like it."
"I need to know," he said solemnly.
"Well, I've never seen her like this. She is an emotional wreck. She said Christmas pushed her over the edge."
"Wait, Christmas?" Sid asked very confused. "I thought it was special, how did it..." he trailed off.
"You have to remember Sid, Bekah has never had anyone treat her the way you do. She's used to being shit on, not treated like a queen and it scared her. And when she realized you were developing a bond with the boys, she snapped and basically reverted back to the same state of mind she was in when she left Jeff. She's not over it and she never will be until she gets help to deal with it...professional help. I've been trying to convince her see someone since she moved here, but she won't hear of it. The poor girl has had so much tragedy in her life. Nobody can suffer that kind of pain and not need help getting over it... Anyways, I honestly thought that you were bringing her out of it, that maybe it was possible for her to get involved in a relationship. But after what I witnessed today, that's just not the case. I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, but there is nothing you can do to fix this. No amount of time or space will make her come around. She will never be ready for any kind of relationship until she deals with her issues. I'm so, so sorry Sidney, but I really do think it's best if you do as she asks and just walk away."
He was silent on the other end of the phone. After what seemed like an eternity, he finally spoke. His voice cracked and Lily could tell he was crying again.
"I pushed her to an emotional breakdown?" his voice was fearful and shaky.
"It's not your fault Sid. She just has too much to deal with and the holidays are always a particularly hard time for her. Please don't blame yourself."
"You're sure...sure there's no way... nothing I can do?"
"If there was, I would be the first person to tell you. Believe me, I wish it were different."
"Me too," Sid said, his voice barely above a whisper.
"I'm sooooooooooooooo sorry Sid," Lily said barely able to contain her own tears now. It was breaking her heart to see two people who were so obviously in love with each other have to be apart. It wasn't right.
"Thanks Lily...for trying. For everything really."
"If there's anything else I can ever do..."
"I know. Just let me know how she's doing every now and then. I need to know that she'll be okay."
"You got it. Take care of yourself Sid."
"Goodbye Lily."

Lily and the boys watched the game on t.v. that night and Lily did not like what she saw. Sid was not himself. He was making stupid mistakes and playing full of anger and aggression. He took stupid penalties...alot of them, and at one point beat the shit out of his stick while he was in the box. Out of habit, he kept looking for Bekah, hoping against hope that she'd be there. For the first time all season, her seat was empty...and so was his heart.
Lily was not the only one who didn't like what they saw. Mario and Troy sat high above the ice and watched Sid self destructing in complete disbelief. When the game was over Mario looked at Troy and said, "So...still think you're doing what's best for him?"

Chapter 52

"Have you told her that?"
"No," Sidney said looking down at the ground. "I don't see that being a very good idea right now. Everything is so messed up."
"How can telling her you love her be a bad idea? Sidney, she needs to know. Hearing those words could change everything."
"Or it could make it worse! I've already pushed her too far, telling her I love her would definitely send her over the edge! I'm holding on to the hope that giving her space will make her come around. Dropping that bombshell would not help."
Just then Lily's phone rang.
"Maybe that's her," Lily said. "It's too early to be anyone else. Excuse me for a second."
Sid took a sip of the coffee Lily had handed him earlier and waited with baited breath. Lily returned a few minutes later and the distressed look on her face made Sidney feel extremely uneasy.
"Was that her?" he asked, afraid to hear the answer.
"Uhh, no. It was the hospital calling to see if I could work her shift. Bekah called in sick." Now Lily was bordering on frightened, but did everything she could to hide it from him.
"She NEVER calls in sick," Lily told him shaking her head. "I have to find out what's going on."
Lily didn't care that she was still in her pyjamas, she threw her coat on and grabbed her keys. She was just about out the door when it hit her.
"Shit! I can't leave."
"Why not?" Sid asked. It had slipped both their minds.
"The boys are here," she paused. "Nope, this is too important, I'll wake them up and take them with me. I don't think it would be good if they saw you though," Lily said gingerly.
"You're right. I have to go anyway. I want to get on the ice before the rest of the guys get there anyways, try to clear my head. Lily, I'm really worried now. Please call me as soon as you know anything. I won't be able to concentrate until I know she's okay and I have a game tonight."
"I promise. As soon as I find out anything."

*********************************************

I woke up to the covers being ripped off my head and Lily's harsh words cutting through the silence.
"Rebekah Elizabeth Jones you tell me what the hell is going on right now!"
I groaned and reached for the comforter again, but Lily would have none of it.
"Bekah, now!" Lily demanded.
"Where are the boys?" I asked, starting to panic a little.
"Next door with the Parkers," Lily explained. She laid on the bed next to me, the same spot that Sid had occupied only a few hours earlier. We laid there in silence for a while before she asked again, this time with a gentler tone.
"Will you please tell me what's going on, and don't say nothing because I already know what you did, I just don't understand why you did it. And calling in sick...that's not you, so spill it."
It took a minute for everything she was saying to register in my brain.
"What do you mean you already know what I did? How do you know?"
"How do you think Bekah? Sid showed up at my door completely distraught. He didn't know where else to go. He'd been crying. He told me everything. He's a mess! Totally confused, and frankly Bekah, so am I."
I couldn't picture what Lily was telling me. Sid, crying? He's not like that. He would never show weakness to someone he hardly knew.
I barely had the strength to have this conversation.
"I told you I was ending it and I told you why," I said just wanting to be left alone.
"No, you told me a bullshit lame excuse! Too much, too fast. Bekah, you're my best friend and I love you, but you are full of shit! If you don't want to tell Sid the truth, that's up to you, but I deserve better than that. You haven't been right for days now and I want to know why. What happened?"
"Lily, I wish I could tell you, but I just can't. I can't risk it."
"I knew it! I knew something was up! Risk it? Risk what? You're not making any sense. You know you can trust me with anything Bekah. Tell me and maybe I can help."
"You can't help," I told her again. I couldn't take it anymore. It was far too big a burden to carry alone. "If I tell you, you must promise me, swear that you will never repeat a single word. No one can ever know."
"Jesus Bekah, what the hell is it?"
"Promise me!"
"I promise, I promise. Now what happened?"
I recounted the events of that fateful night. Every sickening feeling, every harsh word. She listened patiently as I told her of the promise I had made to Troy. The promise that has essentially felt like selling my soul to the devil. Lily sat silent and wide-eyed, not knowing what to make of the disturbing revelations I was making.
"So now do you see why I had to end it?" I asked.
"That bastard!" Lily said shaking her head, her anger building like lava in a volcano.
"No Lily, don't. He's Sid's father and he's doing what's best for his son. I would do the same thing if it were Alex or Jake."
"Well if he saw the state his son his in right now, he'd know that he is not doing what's best for him! You have to tell Sid the truth Bekah."
"NO! I can't do that."
"Sid's freaking out Bekah! He's blaming himself for this mess. He thinks he pressured you to fast. You can't let him go on forever thinking that it's his fault. He should know what his father did."
"Absolutely not! Sid's family is everything to him, especially his dad! I will not be responsible for hurting that relationship, or Sid's career for that matter. In time, he'll get over this and move on to some other girl, but his relationship with his dad is forever. I know how much Sid needs Troy right now. It just has to be this way."
"Sid needs you too Bekah, more than you realize. And you need him too. I can't believe you're okay with giving him up! I thought you cared about him?"
"I do care about him Lily, more than I should. I love him enough to let him go because it's what's best for him."
"You What?" Lily asked, not believing the words that just came out of my mouth. "Do you realize what you just said?"
"What? Letting him go is what's best for him?"
"No, not that. You just said that you love him!"
"What? I did not."
"Yes you did! You said you love him enough to let him go! Are you serious Bekah? Do you love him?"
"I...I don't think...I'm not...ah screw it! Yes, Lily," I said quietly. "Of course I love him. What's not to love? But that doesn't matter now."
"Of course it matters! I'm telling you, you need to tell him the truth! Sid may be mad at Troy for a while, but they'll survive. They're family, they love each other. I'm not sure that Sid's going to be okay without you. If you don't tell him, then..."
"Then nothing. You will not tell him. You promised. Just let it be Lily. This is the best for everyone."

Chapter 51

"Holy crap! You look terrible...what are you doing here?"
"I'm sorry. I didn't know where else to go."
Lily led Sidney into her apartment. They both sat down on the couch. A blank stare occupied Sidney's face.
"She did it didn't she?" Lily asked quietly.
"You knew she was going to do this? What did she say? Tell me everything."
Lily could barely stand to see the pain that was so evident in his eyes.
"I don't know everything. All she told me was that she couldn't do it anymore. It was too much too fast for her and she had to end it."
"That's exactly what she said to me. I'm so confused. I don't know where this is all coming from. I thought we were getting closer." He ran his fingers through his already messy hair, then buried his head in his hands. "You warned me this would happen. I pushed too hard. This is all my fault."
"Stop blaming yourself Sid," Lily said rubbing his back. "It's not your fault. I'm sorry. I thought I had her convinced not to do this."
"Was I imagining all this Lily? I couldn't have been imagining the feelings between us could I?"
"No, I don't think so. I haven't seen Bekah this happy well, ever. This bullshit about being too much too fast is a crock. There is something more going on that neither of us are aware of, I'm convinced of it."
"Why would you say that?" Sidney asked hopefully.
"She hasn't been right since your last game before Christmas. I could tell something was wrong, but she wouldn't tell me anything. I thought after Christmas morning she was over it, but when she opened the pictures, she just lost it. It was confusing to me because she was talking about how great that day was, and when I told her the picture of the four of you was beautiful, she snapped! I told her if she would tell me what was going on, maybe I could help her, but she just said I couldn't help this time. She just had to end it."
"I don't get it. After last night..." he trailed off.
"What happened last night?"
"I was delayed getting back and when I finally got to her house she was already asleep. I just wanted to be with her ya know? I crawled into bed with her and just held her. She held my hand and everything! I thought we were getting somewhere, then this morning wham! Out of no where, it's over. It just doesn't make sense," Sidney said shaking his head. "What could have happened?"
"I'm baffled on that one too Sid, but it had to have been something major to have sparked this sudden change of heart."
"And you have no idea what it was?"
"I swear Sid. If I did, I would tell you. I was really rooting for you guys."
"It's soooooooooo frustrating! I could feel it when I kissed her. There is something so special between us."
"You kissed her!" Lily shrieked. "Did she kiss you back?"
"Yes! That's what I don't get! I told her if she could look me in the eye and tell me she didn't have feelings for me, I would leave her alone."
"What did she say?"
"Looked me straight in the eye and said she felt nothing. Lily, I've never felt such pain in my life. She might as well have stabbed me in the heart."
"Sid, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to tell you except she had to have been lying. I know she has feelings for you...but what I don't know, is how you feel about her?"
"Seriously? Do you really need to ask me that?"
"If I'm going to try and help you win her back, I need to know exactly what I'm fighting for."
"You'll help me try and get her back? Lily you're awesome!"
"Not so fast kid! Tell me what it is I'm fighting for."
"For us. I know we're so much happier together than we are apart."
"But how do you feel about her?"
"She is sooo important to me. I need her in my life."
"Yes, but how do you feel about her."
Sidney sat silent for a minute with a troubled look on his face, knowing he'd finally have to admit it. That trademark Sidney grin appeared across his face.
"Well Lily...I..." he paused. "I'm in love with her."

Chapter 50

I sat curled up in the fetal position bawling until I didn't think I had anymore tears left. I couldn't get the look on Sidney's face out of my mind. I hated myself for lying to him and hurting him so deeply. I hated his father for forcing me to do it even more. I know I didn't have a choice. I could never forgive myself if I hurt Sidney's career in any way. It was everything to him. He spent his entire life, correction, gave up his entire life to achieve his goal and I couldn't be any part of ruining it.
My head was pounding and I felt sick to my stomach. There was no possible way I could go to work in this state. I literally dragged myself to the phone, and for the first time in my entire life, called in sick.
I crawled back in bed and tried to shut the world out, even if it was only for a little while. It didn't work. I closed my eyes and I could smell him. The smell of his shampoo was on the pillow next to mine. I rolled over and hugged that pillow like it was actually him. I cried again as my mind filled with the memory of him in bed beside me, holding me in his arms. How his breath felt on my neck. His gentle kisses. The feeling of euphoria that overcame my entire body, only to be followed by something I had never felt before. The feeling of being completely safe. And that kiss! I had been longing to feel his lips against mine and now I had...and I wanted more. I felt his passion run through my body the instant his lips touched mine. I couldn't fight it anymore, I had to give in to his impulse. Kissing him had been so much more than I could have imagined. And now...it would never happen again.
Could this really be happening to me? I had found something in Sidney that I never thought I would be lucky enough to have. Unconditional love. He knew every vile thing that had happened in my life and he stuck around. I blindsided him not once, but twice with the boys and he was unphased. I did everything I could to push him away and he never once gave up on me...until now. The 'L' word was never once said out loud between us, but I knew it was there just by his actions. After years of vacancy in that department, and against my will at times, my own heart betrayed me and allowed me to fall in love again. Yes love! What a cruel irony I was trapped in. I couldn't admit that I was falling in love with Sidney when I needed to, and now that it was impossible, it was the only thing I wanted to say to him. I didn't think God would inflict so much pain on one person, but I guess I was wrong. What do they say? Everything happens for a reason? What doesn't kill us makes us stronger? Bullshit! I am not stronger for cutting Sidney out of my life! I was...I was...nothing. Dead inside, that's what I was.
I pulled the covers over my head and wrapped my arms around that pillow, praying to God for him to take this pain away.

Sid's POV

I sat in my car unable to move, tears streaming down my face. I couldn't bring myself to leave her house. I knew once I drove away it would be over.
Over? How could we be over before we even got started? What the hell happened in the last few days, hell, the last 12 hours to change everything? We were getting so close, she was finally letting me in, I don't understand where this is coming from. How could she look me in the eye and tell me she felt nothing after that kiss?
Ahhh... that kiss. I've waited so long to kiss her and it couldn't have been more perfect. I've never experienced anything so intense. The passion and warmth in her lips when she returned my kiss, her hands exploring my body...damn! I swear she must of been able to hear my heart beating. Bullshit she felt nothing! But could she really look me in the eye and lie?
Fuck! What the hell do I do? Why did I tell her I'd leave her alone? That was the last thing I wanted to do. I am so confused right now I don't even know where to begin!
I laid my head back and closed my eyes. Going over the conversation again and again in my head wasn't helping. Maybe she was right! Maybe I went too far. What did she say? Too much, too fast. You fucking idiot! You just couldn't let it be could you? Lily warned me this would happen if I pushed too hard. Now look what I've done! I pushed her into something she wasn't ready for and in the process may have lost the best thing that's ever happened to me forever!
There has to be something I can do to fix this, but what? Maybe start by doing what you said you would for once jackass! Maybe I just needed to give her some space and leave her alone. Maybe a few days will give her a chance to calm down and see things clearly. Maybe it will make her realize how she really feels about me, how much we mean to each other and she'll come to her senses. The best plan of action is to take no action at all.
That's a fucking stupid plan! But what choice do I have? I need to talk to someone who isn't so close to the situation. This is the kind of thing I would normally go to my dad about, but that isn't going to happen. Not given the way he feels about the subject. Lily? She knows Bekah better than anyone, maybe she'll be able to tell me how to fix this. At the very least,maybe she'll be able to tell me what's going on. And Mario. Definitely Mario. He's the only one who knows how I really feel about her.
I took one last look at her house before driving away. It was a place that already held such happy memories for me. And unfortunately one very painful one.

Chapter 49

My eyes shot open at 5 am and I was immediately in panic mode. I sat up and turned on the lamp on my bedside table. I looked over to see Sidney laying next to me. What the hell? How did this happen? More importantly, how did I let this happen? I watched him sleep for what seemed like an eternity. He was now lying on his back with one arm above his head. God he was perfect! The rugged features of that handsome face looked relaxed and peaceful. My eyes moved down over that perfectly chiseled body and a quick peek under the covers revealed his exquisite assets contained in a pair of black boxer briefs. And those legs! Shit! What the hell was he trying to do to me?

I knew what I had to do.
I placed my hand on his chest and gently started to shake him.
"Sid, it's time to get up."
Nothing.
"Sid," I started shaking a little harder now.
"Hmmm? What?" was the only groggy response I got.
"Sid wake up," I said in a much harsher tone. "We need to talk."
"Can't we talk later?" he asked trying to pull me down towards his lips.
"NO, now," I said getting up off the bed. "Get dressed. I'll wait in the kitchen."


I put on a pot of coffee. It was going to take a whole lot of caffeine to get me through this day. He appeared a few minutes later looking confused and very sexy with his hair all messed up. He planted a kiss on my forehead and said, "Beks, it's 5:30 in the morning. Couldn't this have waited until a decent hour?"
"I have to work at 7, so no. Besides, it's waited too long already."
"I'm sorry I was so late last night. We were late getting in and then it was almost impossible to get out of Mario's. You looked so peaceful, I didn't want to wake you."
"So you decided to crawl in bed with me instead?"
"It was the only place I wanted to be," he said giving me that cheeky grin and trying to wrap his arms around me.
"Sid, it was so not okay to do that. What if the boys were home?" I asked pushing his outstretched arms away.
"Give me a little more credit than that Beks, I checked first."
"I have so much to say to you right now, so many questions my head is spinning."
"Ask away. I'm an open book."
I sat on the stool across from him and took a long sip of coffee before I started.
"Who's we?"
"Huh?"
"You said 'we' were late getting in. Who's we?"
"My family. I brought them back with me to watch a few games and celebrate New Year's. Taylor is so excited to see the boys again."
Sure, dig the knife a little deeper into my heart.
"Why was it so hard to leave Mario's?"
"We just got back and I didn't want to bale on my family and I couldn't exactly tell everyone where I was going."
"Why not?"
I could tell he was starting to get uncomfortable. He started to fidget with his coffee cup and the tops of his ears were turning red.
"My dad isn't exactly...receptive to me having a life outside of hockey right now."
"A life outside of hockey that includes me is what you really mean isn't it? Face it Sid, your dad doesn't like me."
"That is so not true. He likes you. It's not about you, he's just worried that any kind of personal life will distract me and take me off my game. I guess it's a good thing he doesn't make every decision for me huh?" He gave me that same sweet, cheeky grin again.
"If only that were true," I mumbled under my breath.
"Pardon?"
"How did you get in here last night?"
"Whoa, slight change of subject."
"I told you I had a million questions, so how?"
"From the Parkers."
"And the idea to get in bed with me came from...?"
"That was my own genius idea. Pretty good eh?"
"Don't try being cute. Where the hell did that come from Sid? How did we go from being just friends to sleeping next to each other?"
"Are you mad at me?" he asked suddenly confused.
"Just answer the question."
"Look," he said peering deep into my eyes. "We've gotten pretty close lately, you, me and the boys. It was really tough for me not to be here with you for Christmas. When I got back, I couldn't think about anything else but getting to you. I'm sorry if wanting to be close to you upset you but I'm not going to apologize for it."
"This is exactly what I was afraid of. I knew you weren't gong to be able to handle being just friends."
"Are you kidding right now? After everything we've been through you're going to tell me we're just friends? Cut the crap Beks. We are soooooo much more than that and you know it!"
"What I know is that I said friends and nothing more and you couldn't respect that. It's all too much, too fast. Now the kids are getting attached to you and that's exactly what I didn't want."
"Oh come on Bekah! You are over reacting just a little bit don't you think?
"No, I don't. You left me no choice here Sid. You obviously are not mature enough to handle being friends, so the only other option is nothing at all. I think you need to leave."
"I'm not going anywhere until we discuss this like rational human beings."
"I am perfectly rational. I can't do this anymore. I'm done. We are done. Don't call, don't come around, don't anything. Just go."
The pain was so evident on his face that I couldn't even look at him anymore.
"Beks, come on? We can work through this. I know you have feelings for me and you know how I feel about you. Don't do this,"he pleaded with me.
"I'm sorry Sidney. I have to get ready for work. Please just go."
He sat there in disbelief momentarily before getting up and heading towards the door. I followed behind him. He was just about to open the door when he turned around, grabbed the back of my head and forced his lips on mine. Hard and passionate at first, then transitioning to soft and delicate. His lips were amazing and felt like heaven. I tried to fight it, but I surrendered to his powerful kisses when his tongue gently parted my lips and entered my mouth searching for a partner. I obliged. His muscular arms were wrapped tightly around me so I could not escape. His hand was on the back of my head with his fingers twisted in my hair, holding my mouth against his, while his other hand gently caressed the small of my back. Out of pure instinct, I wrapped my arms around his waist and let my hands explore his back. Oh god, please help me!
He pulled away from me slightly and rested his forehead against mine.
"Now, if you can look in my eyes and tell me there's nothing between us after that kiss, I'll leave you alone."
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. 'Lord give me strength', I thought before pulling my head away from his. I looked into those beautiful golden brown eyes and said, "I'm sorry Sidney, but I felt nothing."
The look on his face said it all. I had just wounded him deeply. Tears ran down his cheeks and he turned and walked out the door, without another word.
I closed it behind him and slid to the floor. Once again I couldn't stop the tears from flowing.
That was the first time I ever lied to Sidney.
God, forgive me.

Chapter 48

"Don't do anything stupid Bekah. Sidney is the best thing to happen to you in a long time, don't do anything you're going to regret."

That was the last thing Lily said to me before she left with the boys. I was working for the next four days before having a week off over New Year's. Alex and Jake were always excited to have sleep overs at Lily's.



I worked 16 hours the day Sid was coming home. Christmas was a rough time at Children's, and I was hoping being around the kids and their families would help take my mind off my own troubles. I spent alot of time with Dylan and his parents. It never ceased to amaze me how all these young kids had such wonderful spirits despite their circumstances. Scott and Gloria had really come a long way accepting Dylan's illness and both were actually optimistic now. I had definitely formed a close bond with the MacDonalds.
When my shift was finally over, I headed for my car. It was a beautiful, crisp night and you could actually see the stars. I checked my cell while I was waiting for the car to warm up a little. 3 missed calls. I checked my voicemail.
"Hey Beks, just letting you know we're supposed to be getting in around 6. I'll call you when we land."
We? Who was we? I was getting a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.
"Hi beautiful. It's around 7:30 and we're just getting in now. I'll be over as soon as we're settled at Mario's."
'We' had to be his family. Who else would stay at Mario's? Was Troy coming back with him to make sure I upheld my end of the deal?
His last message had a hint of annoyance to it.
"I know it's late but I'm still coming. I am just having a little difficulty getting out of the house. Can't wait to see you."
Great.
I spent the drive home going over the speech I was planning on giving him. Well thought out and very logical. All I had to do was keep from melting the second I saw him. I knew if I could just get the whole thing out I'd be okay.
I got home 20 minutes later and there was no sign of Sid. I jumped in the shower and threw on my favourite pair of flannel pj's with little penguins all over them. No make up and flannel pj's...if that didn't completely turn him off then I'm not sure what would. I made myself a cup of tea and turned on the news. 11:30 came and there was still no Sid. I couldn't wait any more. Sleep was overcoming my entire body. I locked the door and headed for my warm, comforting bed. I was out the second my head hit the pillow.
It felt like I had been asleep forever when I felt an overwhelming wave of warmth rush over my entire body and settle in behind me. A strong, muscular arm draped over my waist and a cold nose touched the nape of my neck sending a shiver through my body. That shiver was quickly replaced with the most amazing tingling sensation when I felt his warm breath on my neck. His soft, plump lips placing gentle kisses in the crook of my neck and behind my ear. Instinct forced my fingers to intertwine with his as he pulled me even closer against his rock hard body. Even deep in slumber, I knew this is exactly where I wanted to be...where I was meant to be.
"I missed you beautiful, but I'm here now," he softly whispered in my ear. "Sweet dreams angel."
It wasn't long after our breathing became perfectly in sync that he too was fast asleep.

Chapter 47

I sat on the couch clutching the old worn out jersey, reading Mario's words over and over. There is no other gift that would ever mean more to me than this ratty old thing. Lily entered the room.
"The boys are occupied with their new video games so do you wanna make some breakfast?"
"Sure," I said placing the jersey back in it's box and heading for the kitchen.
"Ummm, why don't you go get dressed first," Lily said with a slight twinkle in her eye.
"I'm ok, I'll just get dressed after breakfast."
"I really think you should get dressed now."
"What is up with you Lil?"
"Just go get dressed and I'll get breakfast started," she said ushering me towards my bedroom.

When I got there, there was a plain black box with a bright red bow sitting on my bed. My heart started beating so quickly I nearly lost my breath. What now? I didn't know if I could handle any more surprises. I approached the box slowly, almost as if it would explode or something.
'You're being ridiculous', I told myself. 'Just open it.'
I untied the bow and carefully lifted the lid. Inside was an envelope with my name written on it. When I picked it up, it revealed two picture frames underneath. I gasped as I realized what the pictures were of. One was of Mario, Nathalie, Sid and me taken at the restaurant after the skating party. It was a great picture. We all looked so happy. I picked up the second one and ran my fingers along the sides of the frame. It was a picture of Sid holding Jake in one arm, holding Alex's hand with me holding Alex's other hand skating around the ice. We all had huge smiles on our faces. I didn't even know someone took that picture! I sat down on the bed clutching the picture, remembering how much time I had wasted being angry at Sid that day, but how well it had turned out in the end. It was that night that I began realizing the depth of my feelings for Sidney. I opened the envelope and pulled out the hand written note. It read:

'My beautiful Bekah,
I think these photos really captured the spirit of the day, don't you? I was a long, tough road to get there, but worth every second. You and the boys have added so much joy to my life. I thank god every day that you have been gracious enough to let me be part of your lives. I cherish every moment I have spent with you, Alex and Jake and look forward to creating many more happy memories. Merry Christmas Beks.
Love,
Sidney
xoxoxo

"It's a beautiful sight isn't it?"
I looked up to see Lily leaning against the door frame.
"What is?" I asked in a daze.
"Those happy people in that picture you're holding on to for dear life."
"It was a good day," I said quietly dropping my eyes back down to the image in front of me.
"He's really something Bekah. Did you know he thought of all this on his own AND tracked me down at the hospital to let me in on his little surprises?"
"So you knew about all this?"
"Not all of it. The gifts from the boys and 'Santa' were surprises to me too. He is so incredible Bek. And he's sooooooooooooooo crazy about you and the boys..."
"Stop!" I yelled bursting into tears again. "I can't do this!"
"Do what?" Lily asked completely confused.
"This. Everything. I can't do it. It's all too much too fast."
"Fast?" Lily said putting a comforting arm around me. "It's about damn time if you ask me!"
"I can't let this go on anymore. This is exactly what I was afraid was going to happen. Sid and the boys are getting too attached to one another. It has to stop."
"Have you lost your mind Rebekah Anne Jones! Sidney Crosby is the best thing to happen to you and those boys and I will not let you fuck it up."
"It's not up to you Lily. I can't. I just can't do it anymore."
"Okay, you haven't been right for the last couple days and now this crazy talk! Did something happen?"
"No, I just can't let this go any further."
"What are you talking about? You guys are perfect for each other! What aren't you telling me?"
"Nothing. I have to end it. I don't have a choice."
"Of course you have a choice! You are being stupid Bekah, get a grip!"
"You don't understand Lil."
"Enlighten me then."
"I can't. There just is no way Sidney and I can have any sort of relationship and I need to tell him that as soon as he gets back."
"If you tell me what's going on, maybe I can help you."
"You can't help this time Lily. It's just something I have to do."

Chapter 46

I was woken by the persistent ringing of my phone.
"Hello?"
"Merry Christmas beautiful," that oh so chipper voice greeted me from the other end of the phone. I looked at the clock.
"Ughh Sid, it's only 6:30!"
"Sorry! I forgot about the time difference, It's 7:30 here."
"That's still too early to get up."
"Not on Christmas morning! We're already done opening gifts. Don't tell me everyone's still asleep at your house?"
"Well, that is what us Jones' like to do at this god forsaken hour."
"Nobody there to make you coffee eh grumpy pants?"
I couldn't help but crack a smile. "Nope, my official coffee maker ditched me for the holidays. I think I need to find a replacement."
"Easy now. You won't find anyone who can brew better than me! Are the boys up yet?"
"Not yet."
"Well go get them up. Since I can't be there with you, I thought I could listen when they open their gifts."
"That could take a very long time with the amount of stuff they have to open!'
"So come on, get going!"
"You're not even here and you're being impossible!"
"That's why you love me!"
'No, that's not why', I was thinking.
"Give me a half hour and call back. Everyone should be up and ready to go by then."
"15 minutes, not a second longer!"
"Fine."


When I went to go wake the boys, Lily was already coming out of the spare room.
"Morning Bekah, merry Christmas. Was that your phone already this morning?"
"Merry Christmas to you too and yes it was."
"Who the hell was calling this early...or do I even need to ask?" she grinned sheepishly.
"No you don't. I have to go wake up the boys because he's calling back in 15 minutes. He wants to listen in when they open their gifts."
"Reeeally," Lily leered.
"Don't even go there Lil."
"Fine. I'll go make coffee," she said giving me a wink.


The second I kissed each of their foreheads and whispered merry Christmas in their ears, the boys raced out to the family room to see what Santa had left for them. Jake was already buried under the tree trying to figure out how many of the boxes were for him.
"Just hold on a minute guys. We need to wait for a little surprise."
"Surprise?" Alex asked. "But we haven't gotten these surprises yet," he said pointing towards the mountain of gifts piled around the tree."
As if on cue, my cell rang.
"Hey, give me a sec. Ok, go ahead everyone can hear you," I said putting the phone down on the end table.
"Merry Christmas boys!"
Both their eyes lit up when they heard Sid's voice. "Sid! Merry Christmas! You should see all the presents we got!" Jake squealed.
"Hey, why don't you come over and open presents with us?" Alex asked.
"I wish I could bud, but remember I told you I had to go home for the holidays?"
"Oh yeah, I forgot," Alex replied.
"That's ok. Do you remember what you and your brother are supposed to do?"
"Of course I do," Alex said smiling.
"What are you talking about?" I asked.
"Nothing, it's just a guy thing," Sid said.
"Yeah mom, it's guy stuff," Alex said.
I gave Lily a suspicious look and she just shrugged her shoulders. "Don't look at me," she said. "I haven't got a clue!" I knew she was lying.
"Is that Lily?" Sidney asked.
"Yep, it's me," she giggled. "Merry Christmas Sid."
"Same to you. Now do me a favour and get those boys opening their presents!"

They spent the next 45 minutes opening each gift and explaining to Sid what it was as I captured every moment on my camera. You could tell from the excitement in his voice that Sid was having just about as much fun as they boys were despite not actually being here. They were down to one last gift each. Lily helped them drag the gigantic boxes out from behind the tree.

"Okay guys, read what the tag says and then open them together," I instructed.
"Put it all to good use. Merry Christmas. Love Santa," Alex read out loud.
"What does that mean?" Jake inquired.
"Guess you'll have to open them and find out," Sid said.
About 10 seconds later, there was wrapping paper everywhere and both boys were screaming with delight.
"Brand new hockey equipment!" Jake yelled.
"Reebok everything! Sweet!" Alex said.
"Is this the same stuff you wear Sid?" Jake asked.
"It sure is. I wrote to Santa and told him it had to be the exact same as mine!"
"Wow! You're the best Sid!"
"Yeah you rock Sid!" Alex echoed.
"We'll have to play a game when I get back," Sid told them.
I was listening to the three of them making plans when the reality of the situation hit me square in the gut. The smile that had resided on my face since 6:30 this morning quickly disappeared.
"Sidney is very busy guys. He won't be around much to play with you guys, so don't go making too many plans," I interjected.
Lily looked at me with a disappointed look on her face.
"I think I can manage some time," Sid said with a hint of annoyance in his voice.
"I just don't think you should promise something that..."
"Okay Alex, it's show time dude," Sid interrupted.
"I'm on it Sid!" he shouted as he disappeared. Alex returned a minute later holding 3 boxes of identical size all wrapped beautifully.
"What are you two up to?" I asked.
He gave one box to Jake and kept two for himself.
"All right Jake, you're up bud," I heard Sid say.
"Okay. Here mommy, this is from me," Jake said putting the small box in my hand.
"But how did you...?"
"Just open it!" the three of them said in unison.
I opened the small box to find a #1 Mom charm.
"I picked it out myself," Jake said proudly.
"It's beautiful sweet pea. Thank you so much!" I said wrapping him in a great big hug.
"This one's from me," Alex said handing me his box.
"Stunning!" I said finding the diamond heart in his box. "Thank you," I said planting a kiss on his cheek.
"And this one is from... Santa," Alex winked at me as he gave me the last box.
I gave him a curious look as he leaned in and whispered, "Santa Sid," in my ear.
When I opened the box, I saw the most gorgeous pair of diamond and sapphire earrings staring back at me.
"Oh my god!" I exclaimed putting my hand over my mouth.
"Do you like them?" Sid asked.
I started shaking my head up and down feverishly.
"He can't hear your head shake!" Lily pointed out.
"Sidney, they're beautiful!"
"Then they're perfect for you."
"Sid, how did you?...when did you?" I said still staring down at the contents of my boxes.
"Our male bonding day when you were at work."
"Sidney, they're all beautiful, but you really shouldn't have."
"Everyone deserves presents on Christmas, including you! I just wish I was there with you. But I do have one more surprise for all of you and then I'll be out of your hair."
"There's more?" the boys piped up.
"Okay Lily, it's time."
"I'll be right back," she said with a cheeky grin on her face as she disappeared down the hallway.
She came back holding 3 more beautifully wrapped boxes. Lily gave each of us our own box, then sat down across from me with a satisfied look on her face.
"You didn't think I was going to forget about you guys did you? These are for you guys from me."
"Oh Sid, you really shouldn't have. You have done way too much already."
"Of course I should have! Lily, take that camera away from Bekah and be ready."
"Done!" Lily replied snatching the camera out of my hands and pointing it towards the boys.
"Okay boys. You first. Open them up!" Sid instructed.
They tore into their boxes to find Penguin jerseys personally autographed to them from the entire team.
"Did the whole team sign these?" Alex asked.
"They sure did, just for you guys," Sid replied.
"Coooool," Alex purred. "Thanks Sid!"
"Yeah, cooooool," Jake echoed. "Thank you."
"You are very welcome guys. Okay Beks, your turn."
I looked at Lily, who was still smiling at me, and I took a long, deep breath before starting to unwrap my gift. I slowly removed the ribbon and the wrapping paper. Next came the lid. I gently unfolded the tissue paper and didn't need to go any further before the tears started to fall. I immediately cupped my hands over my mouth and then felt the sting of a flash bulb in my eyes.
"Hellooooooo? Are you guys still there?"
"We're still here," Lily told him.
"She's crying isn't she?" he laughed.
"Did you expect anything different? Come on boys, let's go try out some of those new games you got from Santa," Lily said ushering the boys out of the room. Truthfully, a freight train could have run right through the house at that moment and I wouldn't have noticed. I was in my own little world. I put my hand over the familiar big yellow 66 that was staring at me from the box on my lap. Black marker adorned the 6 on the right side. It read:

"To Bekah, It is a precious gift when you meet someone who truly touches your soul and inspires you. In meeting you, I have been given that gift. I am both honoured and humbled by your years of admiration and loyalty. But the true honour is being able to call you my friend. May we have many great years ahead of us. Love, Mario Lemieux #66"

I picked up the jersey and clutched it to my chest, crying a little bit harder now. Sid's amazingly thoughtful gift was just further proof of the intense connection between us that was growing deeper with each passing day. A connection that I had about 24 hours to hold on to and cherish before I had to destroy it.

"Do you recognize the jersey?" Sid's husky voice startled me from my devastating thoughts. "It's your old ratty thing."
"How did you get it?" I managed to squeak out.
"The other morning when you were in the shower."
"Sneaky Crosby. Very sneaky. I don't know what to say. Thank you is just no where near enough. I love it Sidney really. It's perfect!"
"Mario jumped at the chance when I told him what I wanted to do. And I figured it would mean more to you if he signed your old one rather than a new one. Although we will have to get you a new one to wear now."
"I don't think that will be necessary," I said quietly.
"We'll discuss that when I get home. I'll be back later on tomorrow night because we have a game on the 27th. Would it be all right if I came over when I get back?" he asked shyly.
Remembering the deal I made with Troy I agreed.
"Great! Hey Beks?"
"Yes?"
"Even though I wasn't there with you, this has been one of the best Christmas' for me. Thank you for letting me share it with you and the boys."
My heart was breaking, knowing what I was going to do to him in a few short hours.
"Thank you for wanting to be a part of it," I managed to choke out. "And thank you for everything. You spoiled us way too much."
"Not as much as I wanted to. I really hope today was special for you."
"More than you could ever imagine. I will cherish this day forever."
"Me too," he said tenderly. "I can't wait to see you tomorrow. Give the boys a hug and kiss for me."
"I will," I said trying to disguise the sadness in my voice.

Chapter 45

I was numb. It was a horrible feeling I had become accustomed to while married to Jeff. A feeling I swore I would never feel again, yet here I am. Troy's words replayed over and over in my head all the way home and now lying here in bed. He confirmed what deep down I knew all along. I was not good for Sid. This was just proof that my reasons for not wanting to get involved with him in the first place were valid. Maybe in my head, but not my heart. Damn Sidney Crosby! Why did fate keep throwing us together until I couldn't ignore it anymore? Why did he have to be so...so...incredibly wonderful? Why couldn't he just have left me alone? I could taste the saltiness of the tears that flowed freely down my cheeks.
I was startled when my cell rang. I checked the caller id: Sidney. I couldn't talk to him right now. What would I even say? I had exactly 2 days until I had to come up with something to tell him. It took me over an hour before I could muster the courage to listen to his message. My heart sank deeper at the sound of his voice, the same voice that had comforted me so much lately. When he mentioned the boys, I completely lost it! I couldn't stop my emotional free fall or the tears that were accompanying it. Once again, I cried myself to sleep.

*********************************************

The next night was Christmas Eve. I managed to go through the motions at work and in the process avoid the 13 calls and messages Sid had left during my shift. When I got home Lily was there with the boys for our Christmas Eve pizza and monopoly tradition. Lil's family was out in San Diego and with her schedule she rarely got home for the holidays. She would spend Christmas eve and morning with us before going to work for 2 pm.
"Ok, spill it," Lil said after we had put the milk and cookies out and tucked the boys in bed. "You are not yourself tonight. What's up?"
"Nothing, I'm fine."
"Fine my ass! You're a complete zombie. It's like you're not even here. What's going on?"
Lily knew every detail of my life, including my relationship with Sid thus far, but I could not bring myself to tell her what Sidney's father had said or what he was making me do.
"I'm just tired and not really feeling that great. I'll be fine, I just need to get some rest."
"Okaaaaayyyyy, you'll tell me when you're ready."
"There's nothing to tell."
"I know you better than that Bekah, but that's fine. We'll play it your way. I'm going to turn in, I suggest you do the same."

I crawled into bed and checked my phone just to torture myself. Sidney had been calling pretty much every hour on the hour and I did not answer any of his calls. Each of his messages were more heart wrenching than the one before. I knew he was worried, I could hear the panic in his voice. His last message was desperate. 'I haven't heard from you for practically 2 days. Pleeeeeeeeeease call me and let me know that you're all right. I need to hear your voice. Please Beks."
It broke my heart to hear the pain in his voice. I knew I couldn't avoid him forever and it wasn't fair to let this go on. As if on cue, my phone rang once again.
"Hi," I said quietly.
"Oh thank god! Bekah are you all right? I've been calling you all day! What's wrong? Why haven't you answered your phone? I've been going out of my mind worrying about you!"
"I'm sorry. I've had a very busy day at work, I barely had time to breathe let alone make a phone call and by the time I got home and we did the whole Christmas eve thing, the day just got away from me."
"That's it? That's all I get?"
"What do you want me to tell you?"
He let out a long sigh. "I was really hoping to see you before I left. Nat said you weren't feeling well?"
"I still don't, but I'll survive."
"Anything I can do?"
'Yes, tell your dad to go jump off a bridge!' is what I wanted to say.
"Not from Nova Scotia," I tried to chuckle. "I'll be fine, I just need to rest."
"Well, I guess I'll let you go now that I know you're ok. Beks...don't ever do that again," he said so tenderly. "I was scared something had happened to you or one of the boys."
"I'm sorry," I whispered.
"Have a merry Christmas Beks. I hope Santa's good to you. I wish I was there with you guys."
'ME TOO!' I was screaming inside.
"I hope you have a good Christmas too," I said biting my lip to fight back the tears.
"I'll call you tomorrow."
"Ok."
"Sweet dreams Beks."
I hung up and couldn't stop the tears from flowing once more. Sweet was something my dreams would not be anytime in the near future.

Sid's POV

"Holy shit Sid, you were like a mad man out there tonight! What the hell got into you?" Malone asked.
"I had a little extra motivation tonight."
Ryan headed for the showers.
"Ahhhhhh, did you have a fight with Bekah or something?" Fleury asked sitting next to me.
"No, my dad."
"Your dad! About what?"
"Bekah. He doesn't think it's a good idea for me to spend time with her. I told him that we were just friends but he thinks getting involved with her will be a distraction and I'll loose my focus."
"Just friends!" Fleury burst out laughing. "You've got it so bad for her man! Just friends, that's a good one!"
"My feelings may go deeper than that but her's don't. So right now we ARE just friends. I'd rather have that than nothing. Where the hell does he get off telling me who I can be friends with anyways?"
"What did you tell him?"
"I told him I was old enough to make my own decisions and there was no way in hell I'd stop spending time with her."
"Bet that went over well!"
"Yeah, like a lead balloon!"

"Where's Bekah?" I asked when I didn't see her or the boys waiting for me in the lounge.
"Umm, she told me to tell you that she wasn't feeling well so she left early," Nathalie informed me.
"But I'm flying home tonight! This was the last time I was going to see her before Christmas."
"She didn't know you were leaving tonight, but she did say you could call her from home if you wanted to."
"If I wanted to?" I asked her. "What's that about?"
"I don't know Sid, that's just what she said. I did get the feeling something wasn't quite right though."
"Thanks Nat."
"Ready to go home son?" my dad asked.
"Yeah, I'll be right there. I forgot something. I'll be right back."
I headed back towards the locker room and dialed her number. Come on, pick up. Shit! Voicemail.
"Hey Beks, it's me. Nat said you weren't feeling well...I was really hoping to talk to you. Well anyways, I hope you're feeling better and I'll call you tomorrow when I get home. I'll miss you guys. Give Alex and Jake a big hug from me. Talk to you soon."

I pretended to sleep on the plane on the way home so I didn't have to talk to my dad. The small talk he tried making with me during the ride to the airport was painful enough. I'm still pissed at him. Actually the truth is I couldn't sleep. I really wanted to see Bekah before I left. I didn't and now I was worried about her. And what did Nathalie mean when she said something wasn't quite right with her?