Chapter 50

I sat curled up in the fetal position bawling until I didn't think I had anymore tears left. I couldn't get the look on Sidney's face out of my mind. I hated myself for lying to him and hurting him so deeply. I hated his father for forcing me to do it even more. I know I didn't have a choice. I could never forgive myself if I hurt Sidney's career in any way. It was everything to him. He spent his entire life, correction, gave up his entire life to achieve his goal and I couldn't be any part of ruining it.
My head was pounding and I felt sick to my stomach. There was no possible way I could go to work in this state. I literally dragged myself to the phone, and for the first time in my entire life, called in sick.
I crawled back in bed and tried to shut the world out, even if it was only for a little while. It didn't work. I closed my eyes and I could smell him. The smell of his shampoo was on the pillow next to mine. I rolled over and hugged that pillow like it was actually him. I cried again as my mind filled with the memory of him in bed beside me, holding me in his arms. How his breath felt on my neck. His gentle kisses. The feeling of euphoria that overcame my entire body, only to be followed by something I had never felt before. The feeling of being completely safe. And that kiss! I had been longing to feel his lips against mine and now I had...and I wanted more. I felt his passion run through my body the instant his lips touched mine. I couldn't fight it anymore, I had to give in to his impulse. Kissing him had been so much more than I could have imagined. And now...it would never happen again.
Could this really be happening to me? I had found something in Sidney that I never thought I would be lucky enough to have. Unconditional love. He knew every vile thing that had happened in my life and he stuck around. I blindsided him not once, but twice with the boys and he was unphased. I did everything I could to push him away and he never once gave up on me...until now. The 'L' word was never once said out loud between us, but I knew it was there just by his actions. After years of vacancy in that department, and against my will at times, my own heart betrayed me and allowed me to fall in love again. Yes love! What a cruel irony I was trapped in. I couldn't admit that I was falling in love with Sidney when I needed to, and now that it was impossible, it was the only thing I wanted to say to him. I didn't think God would inflict so much pain on one person, but I guess I was wrong. What do they say? Everything happens for a reason? What doesn't kill us makes us stronger? Bullshit! I am not stronger for cutting Sidney out of my life! I was...I was...nothing. Dead inside, that's what I was.
I pulled the covers over my head and wrapped my arms around that pillow, praying to God for him to take this pain away.