My name is Rebekah Katherine Jones (my friends call me Bekah). I'm originally from a small town in Ontario, Canada but have relocated to Pittsburgh. I was extremely close to my grandmother, Kate (Katherine - who I am named after). My mother often said that Grandma and I were two peas in a pod. I could never tell if that made her happy or pissed her off. My grandmother was a HUGE hockey fan; even moreso a HUGE fan of Mario Lemieux! It was her who nurtured mine and my brother David's love of the game. I think that's what destroyed the relationship between my mother and grandmother. My parents hated all things sports related and believed their children should excel academically, not in sport. My mother resented "Kate" as she would often refer to her, for supporting our love for sports and making sure we were always participating in them. I quickly picked up skating and even had thoughts of persuing a career in figure skating; that is until it interfered with hockey. Not my hockey, my brother's.
David was not only my older brother, but he was also my best friend. He was six years older than me and had mad talent when it came to hockey. He had played minor hockey since he was 4 and by the time he was 7, David had outgrown our house league and moved on to play Midget A. By the time he was 10, they were already talking about him making it to junior hockey which is unheard of at such a young age. He had to put in his time playing for the top travel teams until he met the age requirements. I still remember the day he was drafted by the London Knights. We were ecstatic that he was playing at home. Grandma and I never missed a game! He was a shining star in junior and all the talk was that David was going to be not only drafted by the NHL, but be a top pick. My grandma and I couldn't have been any happier. The joy did not last long, as disaster was about to strike our family and shatter my entire life.
1986-87
I was 12 and wasn't getting along with my parents at this time. They hated the fact that I encouraged and supported David and his dream of someday playing in the NHL. They were rather negative and felt David should be realistic and focus on school and becoming a doctor or a lawyer. As for me, well, they didn't really have much hope for me. Don't get me wrong, I was an extremely gifted student. Straight A's and I rarely had to crack a book open. I tried everything to gain their approval but it all boiled down to one thing... David was their biological child and I wasn't. They adopted me when I was just a baby after they tried getting pregnant for five years after David was born with no success. My mother was all about appearances. She came from a well to do family and in her mind she had an image to uphold. Having only one child was not an option. One would think that adopting a child would be something special. That child would clearly be wanted if you went to all the trouble of the adoption process, but sadly this was not so in my case. They wanted me to complete the perfect little family picture on the outside, but on the inside, they didn't seem to have much use for me. David was the golden boy and I just existed. Don't get me wrong, they did try to treat us the same but they always fell short. That's why gram and I were so close. She tried to make up for their shortcomings as parents. She often told me she never knew why my mother was such a snob because she did not raise her that way. My grandmother certainly didn't act that way.
Grandma and I had been at David's game just a few hours before. He had gone home and I was going to spend the night at gandma's. We actually had a very deep conversation that night. (with my parental situation I was always more mature for my age) We talked about what I wanted to be when I "grew up". I wasn't sure how, but I knew I wanted to help people, change lives, but at 12 how was I supposed to know how I was going to do that? After about an hour I was going to get ready for bed.
"Beks," she said. (Her and my brother were the only ones who dared or that I allowed to call me that)
"Yeah gram?"
"You are so strong and so smart. You are capable of achieving great things in your life. Don't ever let your fears hold you back. Promise me."
"I promise gram."
"Promise me one more thing. It's too late for me, but promise me that when your brother makes it to the NHL you'll get to Pittsburgh and you'll see him play against Mario. It is the one regret I have in my life, never going to see Mario play."
"Come on gram, you have lots of time yet. Why don't we go together. That can be our Christmas gift to each other!"
"That is a possibility, but just in case, promise me you will live my dream for me."
"Ok, I promise. Good night gram. I love you."
"I love you too Beks."
And those were the last words she ever spoke to me. She died in her sleep that night.
Six months later, Iwas still grieving. She was the only one who ever really understood me. Thank god I still had David. He was still tearing in up on the rink. With grandma gone, my uncle stepped up taking us to all David's games. It was at a game in Toronto that my life would change forever.
David was on the ice in the middle of a break away when he just collapsed. The crowd was stunned. I went rushing down to the bench but they wouldn't let me near him. He was transported to Sick Kid's hospital. I had the unpleasant duty of calling our parents to tell them what had happened. I told them what little I knew and they had better get to Toronto as soon as they could. We lived about 2 hours away.
The next few hours seemed to take forever. The nurse would come out every now and then with an occassional update. Nothing had changed. He was still unconscious and they didn't know why. They were doing tests. My uncle was no real comfort. He was still in shock. By the time my parents arrived the whole team was there.
My mom walked towards me. Anticipating her taking me into her arms, I outstretched mine. She stopped a foot in front of me and looked at me with this look of disgust. Her gaze was so cold and empty. She immediately passed me by and headed straight to the nurse's station. My dad was conferring with my uncle. I broke down in tears. The coach came rushing over and tried to console me. He knew I still wasn't over my grandma's death and now this.
"It's alright," he said as he took me in his arms. "She's just upset and scared and she doesn't know what to do."
"Yeah, well that makes two of us" I managed in between sobs.
Hours went by and still there was no news. By now the team had left, they did have a game the next afternoon. My parents sat in the chairs drifting in and out of sleep. I stood looking out the window at the falling snow. It seemed kind of stupid but that is what David and I did together. We'd bundle up with blankets and hot chocolate and sit on the back porch and watch the snow fall for hours. We'd talk about hockey and about everything really. He was my best friend.
Finally around 6 am we got some news. Some of David's blood tests were "abnormal" so they were going to test further. We waited and waited. We got to see David around 10 am for the first time. He was awake! I was the first one into the room. I wanted to turn and run out of the room as soon as I saw him. He looked so fragile. That was one word that I never thought would be used to describe David. At almost 18, he was so big and so strong from his efforts to prepare for the draft. I tried to be strong and put on a brave face for him but he saw right through my weak attempt.
We spent the next few hours making small talk and him trying to ease the tension between me and mother. That was David, always the peace keeper. Then unexpectedly a nurse came in and told us the doctor would be in shortly to discuss the test results. Finally some answers! The answer was 4 words that would change my life forever.
" David has cancer, leukemia."
I couldn't believe what I just heard.
"It is at a very advanced stage. We believe the only option for survival is a bone marrow transplant. Short of finding a perfect match, David will not survive."
Will not survive? Who the hell did this guy think he was telling me my brother was going to die? At this point my mother became a complete basket case, inconsolable. My dad went into damage control mode, asking the typical questions. What do we do now? What's the next step...best option... All I could do was hold David's hand and stare at him in disbelief. A single tear rolled down his cheek. For once I felt helpless. I knew I could not be the one to make everything better for him. I could not save him.
The next 6 months were spent at that very hospital trying to prolong the inevitable. Chemo, radiation, nothing was helping. The donor list for bone marrow was long. It wasn't something that was widely donated. we had exhausted all the options. David's health was failing rapidly.
August 7, 1987 (a date that would be significant in my life for several reasons)
I hadn't left David's side in 4 days. It was not looking good. My parents were trying to be the pillars of strength for him but who were they kidding. Optimistic was not a word in either of their vocabularies. David's favourite nurse, Jackie came in and convinced them to go out and get some fresh air. When they had left she brought a small black velvet box to David.
"It's exactly what you described," she told him.
"Thanks," he said. "You have know idea how much this means to both of us."
"What was that about?" I asked when she had left the room.
"It's your birthday present," he said.
"My birthday isn't for another 4 days."
"I know, but who knows if I'll be here in 4 days."
"David! That is a horrible thing to say."
"It's the truth. Beks, it's ok. I have come to terms with the fact I'm not going to be here much longer. I'm not scared. I have no regrets. I'm just so sorry that I will not be here for you. "The thought of leaving you alone with mom and dad is tearing me apart."
"You may have come to terms with your... with your..."
"Death."
"I can't bring myself to say that word. You may have come to terms with it, but I have not and I will not."
"It's a fact of life Beks. You'll be able to cope better if you come to terms with it."
"What are you a shrink now? I am not going to come to terms with anything. I will not give up hope, end of story."
"Can you just let me give you your present before we get in a fight? It's a good one!"
"How were you able to get me a present? I know mom sure wouldn't help you."
"What can I say, nurse Jackie has a soft spot for me! Open it," he said handing me the small black box.
I opened the box. At first I wasn't quite sure what it was. There was a gold chain with a pendant on it, but I couldn't make out the design. After a minute I realized what it was. I couldn't hold back the tears.
"That's not exactly the reaction I was hoping for."
"It's... it's...".
"It's the number 66 set against two criss crossed hockey sticks. The 66 represents gram. The two sticks are us."
"Where did you ever find such a thing?" I said sobbing uncontrollably.
"I designed it. I drew a picture and Jackie took it to the jeweller and he made it. It's one of a kind, just like you."
David put the chain around my neck.
"This is what bonded you, me and gram together. That's a bond that can never be broken, even in death. The fact is you are going to be the only one left. With this around your neck, you will always have both of us close to your heart. You are the best little sister a guy could have ever hoped for. I don't think I've ever told you how much I appreciate you and your support."
He was starting to look even more pale and tired than usual.
"Beks, you have to do one thing for me."
"Anything," I sobbed.
"Fulfill your promised to gram. Go to Pittsburgh and see Lemieux. And become something great."
I hadn't thought about those promises since gram died. It was too painful.
"I am not going unless you are playing too," I cried.
"Bekah, you know that is not going to happen," he whispered. "I've never asked you for anything, so I'm asking now. Promise you'll do this for me; and for gram."
"I will. I promise."
"Beks, I love you more than anything. Happy birthday."
"I love you too big brother."
I held his hand as he drifted off to sleep. I must have finally fallen asleep too because I woke up to alarms and buzzers and a code blue being called to room 661. David's room. He never woke up. David was gone. I was the only one with him when he died.Yet another thing my mother would come to resent me for.
No comments:
Post a Comment