Chapter 36

I ran to the first bathroom I could find, dropped to my knees and prayed to the porcelain gods! When it finally stopped, I sat curled up in a ball crying my eyes out on the floor of the stall. What the fuck was wrong with me? I assumed that Sidney had betrayed my trust and told his friends about my past. I treated him horribly and probably just humiliated him in front of his whole team. I am such a bitch! He will never forgive me, I wouldn't if I were him. Sometimes even I couldn't believe what I was capable of. The only bright side was I was relatively sure no one except for maybe Vero had any idea what was really going on, including Sidney. How was I going to be able to go back out there and face him?
When I was able to gain my composure, I stood up to splash some cold water on my face. I knew after crying my face would be all blotchy and cold water was the only thing that could help. I opened the door of the stall and saw Sidney standing there with the most distraught look on his face.
"Shit! You scared the hell out of me Sidney."
"I could say the same about you," he said barely above a whisper.
He was leaning against the counter with his arms folded across his chest. I just stood in front of him unable to move, but never breaking eye contact.
He took a long, deep breath and finally said, "Care to explain what the hell is going on?" His voice was cold and even.
I shook my head. Tears were starting to build again. I closed my eyes and bit my lower lip waiting for him to explode. Then I felt the familiarity of his strong hands on my arms and I opened my eyes and met his gaze.
"What did you mean when you said leave you the hell alone?" he said rather calmly.
I did not reply.
"Ok, let's take a step back. What happened to make you so angry? I've never seen you like that Beks. I've never seen anyone like that. It scared the hell out of me."
Silence.
My bottom lip started to quiver and I didn't know how much longer I was going to be able to hold back the tears.
"You have to help me out here. We were having a good time weren't we? I know I was and I thought you were too. Then out of nowhere you were furious with me and I didn't even do anything! What happened? What did I do?"
The pain was evident in his eyes. It was so like him to blame himself. How could I do this to him? I had to break my silence.
With tears rolling down my cheeks again I finally said, "It's what I thought you did."
"I'm confused. What did you think I did?"
I just shook my head. "I thought you told Vero and Marc-Andre about my past."
I felt so ashamed about the way I had behaved I couldn't even look him in the eye anymore.
"Why would you think that?"
"Vero told me that you had told them quite a bit about me. You don't know that much about me other than the personal stuff I've told you. What was I supposed to think?" I asked quietly, still not looking at him.
I sat down on the floor with my back against the wall. My legs were starting to feel like jello and I wasn't sure how much longer they were going to hold me up.
"I know alot more than you give me credit for," he said sitting down in front of me.
"Like what?"
He lifted my chin so I was looking at him. "Like you bite your bottom lip when you're nervous, like you're doing right now. And you wrinkle your nose when you're thinking. You play with your hair when you get tired, you hate being wrong and will never say the word even when you are. Your eyes go from the colour of the sky to dark blue when you're angry. You raise your left eyebrow when you're feeling feisty. You have a brown line through the middle of your right eye and the cutest little splattering of freckles across your nose that get darker when you're frustrated. There isn't anything you wouldn't do for a friend and you love your boys more than anything else in the world. And when you're in a deep sleep, you actually smile. How am I doing so far?"
"Not bad."
He held both my hands in his. "He hurt you so badly that you are afraid to love anyone again. Instead of enjoying your life you're waiting for the next bad thing to happen to you. You don't trust anyone, except Lily and you have a hard time seeing the good in people, except your patients and that's only because they're still young and innocent. You would rather be miserable and alone than take a chance on love. Your biggest fear is being hurt again."
"I'm sorry, I must have missed you getting your degree in psychology."
"And you use sarcasm as a defense so no one will be able to see your real emotions."
"Alright, I think I've has enough of the psycho analysis, thank you very much," I said getting back on my feet.
"Am I wrong?"
I started to walk past him but he stopped me. He was holding my arms tightly again and turned me around to face him.
"I am not him Bekah. I would never betray your trust. You need to stop waiting for me to hurt you and open your eyes and see what's right in front of you!"
"What's that?"
"Me! No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try to push me way, I'm not going anywhere. Whatever you need, I'm here for you. All you have to do is open your heart and let me in."
The tears started flowing freely once again. And once again I found myself wrapped in the comfort of his strong arms.
"I'm sorry Sidney. For everything. I'm so, so sorry."