Chapter 55

Going back to work the next day was certainly no picnic. I had spent the rest of the day before in bed with a box of Kleenex watching every sappy chick flick I owned. Somehow I thought watching them pull the plug on Julia Roberts would make the flood fest of tears I was putting on okay. I didn't need the movies to make me cry, but it did make me feel justified. After hours of heartache and sickening love stories, I decided I needed something a little more upbeat. My mind flashed back to night I came home from work to find Sid watching the Mighty Ducks movie. It was stupid I know, but somehow watching it now made me feel close to him.

I couldn't be bothered to do anything more than get dressed to go to work. My eyes were still slightly red and puffy and my head was killing me. I glanced in the mirror as I brushed my teeth.
'Ughh! One look at me and no one will doubt that I was sick,' I thought to myself.



The first thing I did when I got to the hospital was check on Dylan. I hadn't been to see him since he started his chemo treatment. When I walked in his room I was instantly greeted with two warm embraces from Scott and Gloria. I had become close with them over the last few weeks. Turns out Scott was a huge Pens fan and was in complete awe that I had season tickets, let alone the fact that I knew Sidney Crosby. Every time I saw him, we would talk about the previous night's game.
"You're so lucky," he would tell me. "I would kill to have season tickets! I've never even been to a game."
Gloria on the other hand, was also interested in Sidney, but for a much different reason. Scott and I had been discussing the skating party and the fact that I kicked Sid's ass skating. He of course did not believe me and left the room to get coffee for his wife still chuckling at the tall tale I had just told him.
"So, when did you fall in love with him?" she asked me.
"I beg your pardon? I...I'm not...we're not even...we're just friends," I finally managed to spit out.
"Oh honey, it's so obvious."
"Why would you say that?"
"You can see it in your eyes whenever you talk about him. You get this sparkle in your eye, your face starts practically glowing and you seem to go into your own little world when you tell your stories."
"I do not.. do I? I've honestly never thought about him like that."
"What's to think about?" she shrieked. "From the sounds of it, he's wonderful! And he obviously has some serious feelings for you and your boys."
"But I don't...I don't..."
"You don't what?"
"I don't do...that," I said quietly.
"You don't what...fall in love?"
"No. I don't even date. Never have. It's kind of a rule of mine."
"What kind of stupid rule is that?"
"The kind that keeps me and the boys protected."
I didn't need to go any further. I hadn't gone into all the details, but I had opened up to Gloria about my past. Oddly enough, that was another thing we had in common. She herself had been in a marriage with domestic violence. She had barely escaped with her life. Thankfully, there were no children involved.
"I felt the same way once upon a time. But Bekah, you can't go through the rest of your life afraid to love again. If I hadn't woken up and seen what was right before my eyes, I wouldn't be with Scott right now and we wouldn't have this precious baby boy. Despite everything we're going through right now, I wouldn't trade any of it. Scott helped me recover. He showed me that not all men are like that, there are some truly wonderful ones out there. You have found yourself one, and you owe it to yourself and your kids to be open to the possibilities."
It was that conversation that forced me to examine my true feelings for Sidney.

"Jesus girl, you look like shit!" Scott said as I pulled out of his embrace, shaking me from my memories.
"Nice Scott! You could be a little more tactful. Are you okay hon? You do look...not so good."
"I'm fine. I just haven't been feeling well and I'm pretty tired these days."
"I'm going to the cafeteria, anybody want anything?" Scott asked.
"No thanks," Gloria replied.
"Me either, but thank you," I said.
When he was gone, Gloria led me over to the couch and motioned for me to sit down. She looked at me with concern in her eyes.
"Is that man of yours keeping you up too late?" she asked almost hopefully.
I didn't have to say a word, the expression on my face and the tears building up in my eyes said it all.
"Oh honey, what happened? I thought everything was going so well?"
"It was," I replied taking a deep breath. "It just got to be too much too soon. I'm not ready."
She looked in my eyes and pondered over the statement I had just made.
"Okaaaaay. Now how 'bout the truth."
After contemplating my options I said, "Oh, what the hell. It's not like you're ever going to run into any of them."
I relived the story yet again, albeit an abbreviated version. The pain was just as pure as it had been that night.
Gloria let this new information sink in for a moment.
"And you bought that load of garbage? And agreed not to see Sid anymore? That is the most asinine thing I've ever heard!"
"No it isn't," I tried reasoning with her.
"Bekah, never in the history of...well...of anything has falling in love with someone resulted in a career tanking or losing sponsorships or whatever else this guy told you would happen. It just doesn't happen. So you've got a couple kids from a previous marriage, who cares! It's not like your an axe murderer or something."
"But he's not just like everyone else. They are practically dropping the whole weight of the NHL on his shoulders. They expect him to carry the whole league out of the depths of despair after the lockout. That's enormous pressure! He's under relentless scrutiny and he doesn't need any added complications."
"I doubt very much he sees you as a complication. Besides, doesn't he have 'people' to help him with all his responsibilities and shit?"
"Yes, but..."
"But nothing! Fuck Troy Crosby! You just tell him that you're not going to do it and there's nothing he can do about it. Then you go to that boy and tell him you were temporarily insane and beg him for forgiveness. Better yet, why don't you tell him the truth...that his father is an interfering asshole and let him deal with Troy.
"I can't do that Gloria."
"Why the hell not?"
"Two reasons. One, Sid is very close to his father and I am not going to do anything to jeopardize that. Two, I gave Troy my word and I won't go back on it. Besides, I do think it's what's best for him. I gotta go. I have other patients to check on. Thank you for your support Gloria, but really, I'll be fine. It's just going to take some time. I'll check in again later."

'That's just like you Bekah. Always thinking of everyone but yourself,' Gloria thought to herself as Bekah left the room. 'Maybe it's about time someone thought of what's best for you for a change. You may have give that bastard your word...but I didn't!'