Chapter 45

I was numb. It was a horrible feeling I had become accustomed to while married to Jeff. A feeling I swore I would never feel again, yet here I am. Troy's words replayed over and over in my head all the way home and now lying here in bed. He confirmed what deep down I knew all along. I was not good for Sid. This was just proof that my reasons for not wanting to get involved with him in the first place were valid. Maybe in my head, but not my heart. Damn Sidney Crosby! Why did fate keep throwing us together until I couldn't ignore it anymore? Why did he have to be so...so...incredibly wonderful? Why couldn't he just have left me alone? I could taste the saltiness of the tears that flowed freely down my cheeks.
I was startled when my cell rang. I checked the caller id: Sidney. I couldn't talk to him right now. What would I even say? I had exactly 2 days until I had to come up with something to tell him. It took me over an hour before I could muster the courage to listen to his message. My heart sank deeper at the sound of his voice, the same voice that had comforted me so much lately. When he mentioned the boys, I completely lost it! I couldn't stop my emotional free fall or the tears that were accompanying it. Once again, I cried myself to sleep.

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The next night was Christmas Eve. I managed to go through the motions at work and in the process avoid the 13 calls and messages Sid had left during my shift. When I got home Lily was there with the boys for our Christmas Eve pizza and monopoly tradition. Lil's family was out in San Diego and with her schedule she rarely got home for the holidays. She would spend Christmas eve and morning with us before going to work for 2 pm.
"Ok, spill it," Lil said after we had put the milk and cookies out and tucked the boys in bed. "You are not yourself tonight. What's up?"
"Nothing, I'm fine."
"Fine my ass! You're a complete zombie. It's like you're not even here. What's going on?"
Lily knew every detail of my life, including my relationship with Sid thus far, but I could not bring myself to tell her what Sidney's father had said or what he was making me do.
"I'm just tired and not really feeling that great. I'll be fine, I just need to get some rest."
"Okaaaaayyyyy, you'll tell me when you're ready."
"There's nothing to tell."
"I know you better than that Bekah, but that's fine. We'll play it your way. I'm going to turn in, I suggest you do the same."

I crawled into bed and checked my phone just to torture myself. Sidney had been calling pretty much every hour on the hour and I did not answer any of his calls. Each of his messages were more heart wrenching than the one before. I knew he was worried, I could hear the panic in his voice. His last message was desperate. 'I haven't heard from you for practically 2 days. Pleeeeeeeeeease call me and let me know that you're all right. I need to hear your voice. Please Beks."
It broke my heart to hear the pain in his voice. I knew I couldn't avoid him forever and it wasn't fair to let this go on. As if on cue, my phone rang once again.
"Hi," I said quietly.
"Oh thank god! Bekah are you all right? I've been calling you all day! What's wrong? Why haven't you answered your phone? I've been going out of my mind worrying about you!"
"I'm sorry. I've had a very busy day at work, I barely had time to breathe let alone make a phone call and by the time I got home and we did the whole Christmas eve thing, the day just got away from me."
"That's it? That's all I get?"
"What do you want me to tell you?"
He let out a long sigh. "I was really hoping to see you before I left. Nat said you weren't feeling well?"
"I still don't, but I'll survive."
"Anything I can do?"
'Yes, tell your dad to go jump off a bridge!' is what I wanted to say.
"Not from Nova Scotia," I tried to chuckle. "I'll be fine, I just need to rest."
"Well, I guess I'll let you go now that I know you're ok. Beks...don't ever do that again," he said so tenderly. "I was scared something had happened to you or one of the boys."
"I'm sorry," I whispered.
"Have a merry Christmas Beks. I hope Santa's good to you. I wish I was there with you guys."
'ME TOO!' I was screaming inside.
"I hope you have a good Christmas too," I said biting my lip to fight back the tears.
"I'll call you tomorrow."
"Ok."
"Sweet dreams Beks."
I hung up and couldn't stop the tears from flowing once more. Sweet was something my dreams would not be anytime in the near future.