Sidney's POV

"What the hell is wrong with him?" Colby asked Marc as they watched Sid throw each and every piece of his equipment at his stall.
"He's having a rough night. I'd just stay away from him if you know what's good for you. There's no talking to him when he's like this."
"Does he freak out like this often?" Colby asked as shoulder pads went flying by his head.
"No, not often. And it's never been this bad," was Marc's only reply.

Troy and Mario entered the locker room and witnessed the tantrum Sid was in the middle of. They were much more brave than the rest of the team that had abandoned ship to head to the showers. Troy and Mario headed straight for the Bermuda triangle.

"You had a pretty good game tonight son, but what is wrong with you? You need to calm yourself down, you have interviews to do."
I took a long, deep breath before speaking. "I'm not doing media tonight, I'm going to ride the bike for a while. Mario, please tell coach and the press."
"Sidney, I know I don't need to remind you of the position that your in or the responsibilities that go with it. Now get yourself ready and talk to the press."
"Fuck the press dad! I am very well aware of what is expected of me, and right now I don't give a shit. The world is not going to come to an end if I skip the media for one fucking night. Deal with it!"
"Troy, let's just leave him be for the time being? Sid, I'll let them know."

Why can't they leave me alone for one fucking night? As I headed for the bike, I realized I was to wound up for that. Weights. I went over to the machine and put 100 pounds more than I usually do on it. I had alot of aggression I could focus on the extra weight. After 10 minutes, my arms felt like they were going to rip out of their sockets so I headed for the bike. It was my solace. Any time I had something to work through, the bike was the place I could be by myself and focus.
I peddled and peddled and peddled until I could barely feel my legs anymore. I had no idea how long I'd been there until I felt a hand touch my shoulder.
"Jesus Marc, you scared the hell out of me!"
"Sorry mon ami. You've been on that thing for two hours. Don't you think it deserves a rest?"
"I didn't realize it had been that long. Is everyone gone?"
"Everyone but us."
"Why are you still here? Isn't Vero waiting for you?"
"I called and told her I was going to be late," Marc said taking a seat on the bike next to Sid. "Want to talk about it," he asked timidly.
"NO." I started to peddle again and then stopped when I looked at Marc and he was giving me that look.
"I just...I just...how could she do that Marc. I mean, it's only been three days. Three fucking days, and she brings another guy to the game?"
I couldn't tell if it was tears or sweat dripping down my face, but I really didn't care. All the raw emotions I was feeling were exploding to the surface.
"She said it was too much too fast and now she's what? Dating someone else and bring him to the game! My fucking game! Why doesn't she just drive a knife right through my heart? If she wanted to be with someone else why didn't she just tell me? I can't believe she'd throw it in my face like that! That's cold. I did what she wanted. I haven't even tried to call her. Why did she have to come here with him? I don't get it, is she deliberately trying to hurt me? What the fuck is wrong with her? What the fuck is wrong with ME? I can't believe I thought I loved her! I could never love anyone who could be so cruel."
"Are you just about done?"
"Done! I'm just getting started! I am so fucking furious right now Marc..."
"Take a breath Sid! Calm down and let's look at this rationally. You remember what that is right?"
"I'm not in the mood for your sarcasm Flower."
"Let's just look at this piece by piece. First of all, I hate to be the one to tell you, but you two weren't even together."
"Not officially no. But we were headed there."
"And love? When did that happen?!"
"Probably the first night I met her, but a little more every day I spent with her. We were getting so close up until a few days ago, then bam! Out of know where, it's over."
"And nothing out of the ordinary happened? You two didn't fight about anything?"
"No! I told you about Christmas and how great it was, and then when I came back, that was it. Done. She had been acting kinda weird before Christmas, but she said she was sick and then Christmas was fine."
"It just doesn't make sense."
"I know, that's what's so hard. Even her friend Lily thought something was off, but after she talked to her, she told me getting close to me was too much for her and she wasn't over what happened with her ex."
Now Marc was getting confused too. "Well, if that's true, why would she be dating someone else?"
"I have noooooooooooo idea. None of this makes sense and it's driving me crazy!"
"Okay, I know I don't know her that well, but in your heart of hearts, do you honestly believe that Bekah would end things with you and start dating someone else? And then bring him to a game? It doesn't sound like something she would do. She doesn't play games like other girls."
"I didn't think so either, but what other explanation is there?"
"I don't have the answer to that. Maybe you should try talking to her."
"I can't do that. She probably would talk to me anyway. She wants nothing to do with me anymore."
"Quit feeling sorry for yourself. You'll never know if you don't try. Besides, who said you actually had to talk to her. Text her. See how that goes first."
"I suppose you're right."
"Of course I'm right! That's why you keep me around!" he said getting off the bike. "Now, go home and call her. I'll see you in the morning," he said heading for the door.
"Hey Marc?"
"Oui?"
"Do you think we'll work this out?"
"Oui. I'm sure of it."
"Thanks Marc. I really appreciate everything..."
Marc held up his hand to stop me from talking. "Just work it out and get back to the old Sid."

I couldn't wait to get home to call her. What happened tonight was driving me crazy. I dialed her number. No answer, just as I suspected. My heart grew heavy in my chest. We'll try it this way then. I texted:
'We need to talk.' I waited...and waited...and waited. Finally!
'Nothing to talk about.' Was she serious?
'Explanation would be nice.'
'For what?'
'The guy...who is he???' Again I waited.
'I don't owe you an explanation and it's none of your business.'
'I think I'm entitled to something?'
'You are entitled to nothing. We are nothing. Discussion over. Please leave me alone.'
'How can you be so cruel?' I waited...and waited.
No response.

Chapter 56

"Here, these are for you," I said handing Scott an envelope.
"What's this?"
"Consider it a slightly belated Christmas gift," I told him.
He wrinkled his forehead and looked at me with a very questioning gaze. When he saw what was inside, he dropped the envelope on the ground and stood starring at me in disbelief, unable to speak.
"Well, what is it?" Gloria asked with childlike enthusiasm.
"It's...it's...oh my god...it's..."
"It's what?" she asked more than slightly annoyed.
"It's my tickets to the next two Pens games," I replied feeling rather proud of myself. "One tonight and one New Year's eve. I want you two to go and enjoy yourselves. Get out of this hospital for while, be normal for a few hours."
"Oh Bekah, we can't possibly accept these," Gloria said picking the envelope off the floor.
"Like hell we can't!" Scott said snatching the envelope out of her hands.
Gloria looked at me with a knowing look. "You really should be using them yourself, Bekah."
"I can't. I need to take a break from hockey. Besides, I'll probably pick up a few extra shifts or something, stay busy."
Just as Gloria was about to argue with me, she stopped herself. It was almost like a light bulb went off.
"I'll make you a deal," she said. "Scott really should experience his first game with another hockey fan so, if you go to the game with him tonight, I'll go with him on New Year's. Deal?"
"Gloria, I really don't want to..."
"That's the deal. It's either that or nothing, you can give the tickets to someone else."
"Are you crazy Gloria?" Scott sniped at his wife. "Those are amazing tickets! Bekah please, for the love of god..."
I shot Gloria a slight look of contempt. "I know what you're doing Gloria, and it's not going to work."
She just smiled a devilish smile.
"Fine. But I'm telling you Gloria, just because I'm going doesn't mean anything. I'm not changing my mind about anything."
"I don't know what the hell you two are talking about," Scott interrupted, "but I don't care! I'm going to the Pens game Whooo hoooo!" He ran out of the room and high fived the poor unsuspecting orderly who was just wandering by.

***************************************************

As we made our way to the top of the stairs, a huge knot started to form in the pit of my stomach. Scott and I both paused and took in the awesome sight. Just as we were about to start making our way down towards our seats, I saw a familiar friendly face smiling at me.
"Hey Miss...I mean Bekah."
"Nate. It's good to see you."
"You too. I missed you last game."
"Yeah, I haven't been feeling well lately. Oh, I'm sorry Scott. Scott, this is Nate, the best damn usher at the Igloo. Nate, this is a good friend of mine Scott."
Nate looked at me with a puzzled look on his face as the two men shook hands.
"We should get to our seats," I said quickly. "I'll catch ya after the game Nate."

As we made our way down the stairs, that knot grew bigger and bigger. I wasn't sure what emotions I was feeling. Nervous? Scared? Both? 'Try to stay clam,' I told myself. 'He won't expect you to be here. He probably won't even look for you.' I was praying he wouldn't. I don't think I would be able to handle eye contact with those beautiful hazel eyes.
We took our seats and watched the warm up. Scott amazed me with his knowledge of almost every Pens player that skated by us. Luckily, Sid was on the other side of the ice running drills with this Armstrong kid I'd never seen before. 'Hmm. He must be a new one,' I thought to myself. 'So far, so good!'
I had managed to start to relax a little and was actually enjoying the game until the end of the second period. 30 seconds remained and Sid scored off a beauty pass from Armstrong to tie the game. The celebration was taking place right in front of us. I hadn't seen a smile that big on Sid's face in a long time, and then, it happened. Eye contact! That wonderful smile was quickly replaced by a look of surprise, followed by a look of hurt. His hazel eyes bore a hole right down to the depths of my soul. I couldn't take it anymore. I had to look away, but where. The first thing my eyes fell upon was Scott who scooped me up in a bear hug in the midst of his own celebration. When he put me back on the ground, I turned to sit down in time to see Sidney shaking his head and then skate to the bench. The whole exchange probably lasted about 20 seconds, but it felt like an eternity, like everything was happening in slow motion.
When the boys took the ice for the third period, Marc made it a point to look right at me and give me a little wave. I gave him a half smile and a nod. I could only imagine what Sid had said to him in the locker room. I knew this was a mistake, I shouldn't have come. But when I looked at Scott and saw the look of pure joy and excitement on his face, it put everything in perspective. Sure, I felt uncomfortable, but Scott was having the time of his life and he deserved a little happiness.
The game ended and the crowd was wild. The Pens won, for the first time in a while. As the team skated out on the ice to congratulate one another, I felt the burning of Sidney's glare. He did not take his eyes of of us the whole time they were out on the ice. He even made it a point to skate by the glass where we were sitting. I avoided making eye contact with him again. I couldn't handle it. I knew if I looked into his eyes again, I'd lose it. I turned to Scott to tell him we needed to leave and he wrapped me in yet another bear hug. As we began to separate, he gave me a peck on the cheek and said, "I don't know how I could ever thank you for tonight Bekah. It has truly been one of the best nights in my entire life, certainly the best I've had in a long time."
"Well you deserve it! And no thanks are needed. It's thanks enough just knowing you had a good time. You ready to go?"
"Not really, but I suppose we should."
As we made our way out of the aisle to the stairs I couldn't help myself. As Scott slipped his arm around my shoulder, I turned back towards the ice. He was still there, still watching me. At that moment I couldn't tell which was colder, the temperature of the ice or the icy cold glare shooting out of those hazel eyes that once looked at me with such warmth.

Chapter 55

Going back to work the next day was certainly no picnic. I had spent the rest of the day before in bed with a box of Kleenex watching every sappy chick flick I owned. Somehow I thought watching them pull the plug on Julia Roberts would make the flood fest of tears I was putting on okay. I didn't need the movies to make me cry, but it did make me feel justified. After hours of heartache and sickening love stories, I decided I needed something a little more upbeat. My mind flashed back to night I came home from work to find Sid watching the Mighty Ducks movie. It was stupid I know, but somehow watching it now made me feel close to him.

I couldn't be bothered to do anything more than get dressed to go to work. My eyes were still slightly red and puffy and my head was killing me. I glanced in the mirror as I brushed my teeth.
'Ughh! One look at me and no one will doubt that I was sick,' I thought to myself.



The first thing I did when I got to the hospital was check on Dylan. I hadn't been to see him since he started his chemo treatment. When I walked in his room I was instantly greeted with two warm embraces from Scott and Gloria. I had become close with them over the last few weeks. Turns out Scott was a huge Pens fan and was in complete awe that I had season tickets, let alone the fact that I knew Sidney Crosby. Every time I saw him, we would talk about the previous night's game.
"You're so lucky," he would tell me. "I would kill to have season tickets! I've never even been to a game."
Gloria on the other hand, was also interested in Sidney, but for a much different reason. Scott and I had been discussing the skating party and the fact that I kicked Sid's ass skating. He of course did not believe me and left the room to get coffee for his wife still chuckling at the tall tale I had just told him.
"So, when did you fall in love with him?" she asked me.
"I beg your pardon? I...I'm not...we're not even...we're just friends," I finally managed to spit out.
"Oh honey, it's so obvious."
"Why would you say that?"
"You can see it in your eyes whenever you talk about him. You get this sparkle in your eye, your face starts practically glowing and you seem to go into your own little world when you tell your stories."
"I do not.. do I? I've honestly never thought about him like that."
"What's to think about?" she shrieked. "From the sounds of it, he's wonderful! And he obviously has some serious feelings for you and your boys."
"But I don't...I don't..."
"You don't what?"
"I don't do...that," I said quietly.
"You don't what...fall in love?"
"No. I don't even date. Never have. It's kind of a rule of mine."
"What kind of stupid rule is that?"
"The kind that keeps me and the boys protected."
I didn't need to go any further. I hadn't gone into all the details, but I had opened up to Gloria about my past. Oddly enough, that was another thing we had in common. She herself had been in a marriage with domestic violence. She had barely escaped with her life. Thankfully, there were no children involved.
"I felt the same way once upon a time. But Bekah, you can't go through the rest of your life afraid to love again. If I hadn't woken up and seen what was right before my eyes, I wouldn't be with Scott right now and we wouldn't have this precious baby boy. Despite everything we're going through right now, I wouldn't trade any of it. Scott helped me recover. He showed me that not all men are like that, there are some truly wonderful ones out there. You have found yourself one, and you owe it to yourself and your kids to be open to the possibilities."
It was that conversation that forced me to examine my true feelings for Sidney.

"Jesus girl, you look like shit!" Scott said as I pulled out of his embrace, shaking me from my memories.
"Nice Scott! You could be a little more tactful. Are you okay hon? You do look...not so good."
"I'm fine. I just haven't been feeling well and I'm pretty tired these days."
"I'm going to the cafeteria, anybody want anything?" Scott asked.
"No thanks," Gloria replied.
"Me either, but thank you," I said.
When he was gone, Gloria led me over to the couch and motioned for me to sit down. She looked at me with concern in her eyes.
"Is that man of yours keeping you up too late?" she asked almost hopefully.
I didn't have to say a word, the expression on my face and the tears building up in my eyes said it all.
"Oh honey, what happened? I thought everything was going so well?"
"It was," I replied taking a deep breath. "It just got to be too much too soon. I'm not ready."
She looked in my eyes and pondered over the statement I had just made.
"Okaaaaay. Now how 'bout the truth."
After contemplating my options I said, "Oh, what the hell. It's not like you're ever going to run into any of them."
I relived the story yet again, albeit an abbreviated version. The pain was just as pure as it had been that night.
Gloria let this new information sink in for a moment.
"And you bought that load of garbage? And agreed not to see Sid anymore? That is the most asinine thing I've ever heard!"
"No it isn't," I tried reasoning with her.
"Bekah, never in the history of...well...of anything has falling in love with someone resulted in a career tanking or losing sponsorships or whatever else this guy told you would happen. It just doesn't happen. So you've got a couple kids from a previous marriage, who cares! It's not like your an axe murderer or something."
"But he's not just like everyone else. They are practically dropping the whole weight of the NHL on his shoulders. They expect him to carry the whole league out of the depths of despair after the lockout. That's enormous pressure! He's under relentless scrutiny and he doesn't need any added complications."
"I doubt very much he sees you as a complication. Besides, doesn't he have 'people' to help him with all his responsibilities and shit?"
"Yes, but..."
"But nothing! Fuck Troy Crosby! You just tell him that you're not going to do it and there's nothing he can do about it. Then you go to that boy and tell him you were temporarily insane and beg him for forgiveness. Better yet, why don't you tell him the truth...that his father is an interfering asshole and let him deal with Troy.
"I can't do that Gloria."
"Why the hell not?"
"Two reasons. One, Sid is very close to his father and I am not going to do anything to jeopardize that. Two, I gave Troy my word and I won't go back on it. Besides, I do think it's what's best for him. I gotta go. I have other patients to check on. Thank you for your support Gloria, but really, I'll be fine. It's just going to take some time. I'll check in again later."

'That's just like you Bekah. Always thinking of everyone but yourself,' Gloria thought to herself as Bekah left the room. 'Maybe it's about time someone thought of what's best for you for a change. You may have give that bastard your word...but I didn't!'

Chapter 54

The silence during the ride home from the arena was deafening. Mario and Troy riding in the front while Sid sat alone in the back, starring out into space. Mario had nothing to say to Troy, and Troy knew better than to try and carry on a conversation with his son while he was in a mood.
When they arrived back at the house, Sid went straight to his room only stopping long enough to give Taylor a kiss goodnight. He spoke to no one. Once alone in his room, he couldn't hold in his emotions any longer. He couldn't be bothered to get undressed. He crawled into bed, suit and all, and cried. He lay in the pitch black room remembering every precious moment he had spent with her. He expertly reached through the darkness for the picture on his bedside table, the one of the four of them at the skating party, and clutched it tightly to his chest. That day had been one of his happiest since coming to Pittsburgh. All of his time with her was happy, even when she was being difficult, and god only knows she could be difficult! That was one of the many things he loved about her. One of the things he would always love about her. He didn't care what she said, there would be no moving on for him, not anytime in the near future anyways.
He closed his eyes and thought back to the kiss they had finally shared. Passionate, gentle, full of the love they were both feeling for each other, but too afraid to admit. A small smile appeared across his lips and tears ran down the side of his face. For the first time in his entire life, he cried himself to sleep.

**********************************************

In one of the guest bedrooms of the Lemieux house, Trina was questioning her husband about their son's behaviour.
"What happened out there tonight Troy? Sidney was so angry. It's not like him to play like that. I'm worried about him. I went to his door to say goodnight and I heard him crying."
"Crying? Sidney doesn't cry."
"That's why it's so unsettling, but I'm quite sure I know what I heard Troy. What's going on with him?"
"He has alot of pressure on him hon, and the team isn't doing well. You know he's not used to losing like this. And I'm sure he's not over the Olympic thing either. Everyone has a breaking point and maybe he's reached his. Give him a few days, and I'm sure he'll be back to his old self."
"Are you sure that's all it is? He seems in pretty bad shape for it to just be the pressure and disappointment. Maybe it has something to do with that girl...what's her name?...that he hasn't stopped talking about. Oh what's her name?"
"What girl?"
"You know, the one with the two boys...Bekah! That's her name. Maybe it has something to do with her. He obviously likes her very much."
"Trina, he hardly knows the girl. I'm sure she has nothing to do with any of this. Now stop your worrying, Sidney will be fine. He always bounces back."
"I'm his mother, I will never stop worrying about him, but I hope you're right. I can't stand seeing him like this."

***************************************************

Nathalie sat next to Mario in their bed and studied the disturbing look of worry on his face. She reached out and placed a gentle hand on her husband's back. He took a deep breath at the mere touch of her hand.
"I'm torn Nat. I don't know what to do."
He had told her the whole story the night that it happened, and had filled her in on the most recent events from that morning that he himself had only learned because he had forced Sid to tell him what was bothering him. Sid couldn't keep anything this big from Mario, and Mario could never hide anything from Nathalie, she saw right through it. They both adored Bekah and thought she was so good for Sidney, so they too were in anguish over what Troy had done."
"You're in a very difficult position sweetheart. You promised Troy you'd take care of his son, and you and I both know that he needs Bekah in his life. But you're not his father, Mario. You have to respect Troy's wishes...no matter how much you might disagree with them."
"But this is just so wrong. He loves her Nat, and to keep them apart like that...in such a devious manner...don't you think Sid deserves to know what his father has done?"
"Of course I do, but it's not your place. If you tell him the truth you could damage their relationship and where would that get you? All you can do is be there for Sid when he needs you. I believe those two are meant to be together. The kind of bond they have can survive anything, even a meddling father. Give it time to run it's course, and I bet you'll see them find their way back to each other."
"But will that happen before the kid completely self destructs and blows his rookie season?"
"Only time will tell sweetheart."
"If he doesn't snap out of this funk sooner rather than later, I'll have no choice but to tell him. I won't let him throw this year away."
She gave him a loving kiss on the forehead. After all these years, she still loved his compassion almost above anything else. "You will do what you think is right...you always do."

Chapter 53

"I don't know how you could possibly believe this is what's best for everyone. It's not best for you, or the boys, or Sid. If you love him, you need to fight for him, screw Troy!"
"It's not that simple Lil. It's not just a matter of Troy not liking me, it's the damage I could do to Sid's career. I can't do that to him."
"So what are you going to do, completely walk away? Not see or talk to him ever again? Not go to anymore games? How do you think you're going to pull that off?"
"I'm hoping after the way I treated him, he won't want to see or talk to me."
"I'll tell you right now that's not gonna happen. He's going to give you some time. He thinks you'll come around if he leaves you alone for a bit, but he is NOT giving up on you. He told me that straight up. He senses how you feel about him Bek, he's not going to walk away from that! I hope you have a plan B if you're serious about it being over."
"Not yet, but I will do whatever it takes to make him forget about me."
"And in the meantime, what am I supposed to tell him? He's expecting me to call him and let him know what's going on."
"Make something up. Tell him that I had a complete emotional breakdown, that Christmas pushed me over the edge. Tell him I'm just too damaged and not over what I went through with Jeff and I'll never be able to have a healthy relationship. I don't really care what you tell him, but it better be believable!"
"My first loyalty will always be to you Bekah, but for the record, I do not feel good about lying to him, he deserves better. And I just want to go on record as saying that I think this is a huge mistake that you are making, but I will support you."
"You're right about one thing. He does deserve better...better than me. He deserves to reap the benefits of everything this world has to offer him, everything he worked his entire life to achieve. That's what he deserves."
"True. But he also deserves to be happy, and you my dear, make him happy."

***************************************************

Lily took the boys back to her place to let Bekah have the rest of the day to wallow in her sorrow before she had to go back to work the next day. When the boys were occupied with one of their new games, Lily sat and stared at her phone. She knew she had to call him, but was putting it off as long as she could.
'What am I going to tell him? How can I lie to him knowing how he feels about her and how she feels about him?' she thought to herself.
Just then the ringing of her cell phone snapped her out of her own thoughts. She knew the time had come.
"Hello?"
"Lily, it's Sid. I know you said you would call me, but it's been hours. I can't take it anymore! Is she okay? What happened?"
"I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to you yet, but I just left her not that long ago." Lie number one.
"Is she okay?"
"Physically yes. Emotionally... all I can say is it's not good news."
"Tell me what happened."
"Are you sure? You're not going to like it."
"I need to know," he said solemnly.
"Well, I've never seen her like this. She is an emotional wreck. She said Christmas pushed her over the edge."
"Wait, Christmas?" Sid asked very confused. "I thought it was special, how did it..." he trailed off.
"You have to remember Sid, Bekah has never had anyone treat her the way you do. She's used to being shit on, not treated like a queen and it scared her. And when she realized you were developing a bond with the boys, she snapped and basically reverted back to the same state of mind she was in when she left Jeff. She's not over it and she never will be until she gets help to deal with it...professional help. I've been trying to convince her see someone since she moved here, but she won't hear of it. The poor girl has had so much tragedy in her life. Nobody can suffer that kind of pain and not need help getting over it... Anyways, I honestly thought that you were bringing her out of it, that maybe it was possible for her to get involved in a relationship. But after what I witnessed today, that's just not the case. I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, but there is nothing you can do to fix this. No amount of time or space will make her come around. She will never be ready for any kind of relationship until she deals with her issues. I'm so, so sorry Sidney, but I really do think it's best if you do as she asks and just walk away."
He was silent on the other end of the phone. After what seemed like an eternity, he finally spoke. His voice cracked and Lily could tell he was crying again.
"I pushed her to an emotional breakdown?" his voice was fearful and shaky.
"It's not your fault Sid. She just has too much to deal with and the holidays are always a particularly hard time for her. Please don't blame yourself."
"You're sure...sure there's no way... nothing I can do?"
"If there was, I would be the first person to tell you. Believe me, I wish it were different."
"Me too," Sid said, his voice barely above a whisper.
"I'm sooooooooooooooo sorry Sid," Lily said barely able to contain her own tears now. It was breaking her heart to see two people who were so obviously in love with each other have to be apart. It wasn't right.
"Thanks Lily...for trying. For everything really."
"If there's anything else I can ever do..."
"I know. Just let me know how she's doing every now and then. I need to know that she'll be okay."
"You got it. Take care of yourself Sid."
"Goodbye Lily."

Lily and the boys watched the game on t.v. that night and Lily did not like what she saw. Sid was not himself. He was making stupid mistakes and playing full of anger and aggression. He took stupid penalties...alot of them, and at one point beat the shit out of his stick while he was in the box. Out of habit, he kept looking for Bekah, hoping against hope that she'd be there. For the first time all season, her seat was empty...and so was his heart.
Lily was not the only one who didn't like what they saw. Mario and Troy sat high above the ice and watched Sid self destructing in complete disbelief. When the game was over Mario looked at Troy and said, "So...still think you're doing what's best for him?"

Chapter 52

"Have you told her that?"
"No," Sidney said looking down at the ground. "I don't see that being a very good idea right now. Everything is so messed up."
"How can telling her you love her be a bad idea? Sidney, she needs to know. Hearing those words could change everything."
"Or it could make it worse! I've already pushed her too far, telling her I love her would definitely send her over the edge! I'm holding on to the hope that giving her space will make her come around. Dropping that bombshell would not help."
Just then Lily's phone rang.
"Maybe that's her," Lily said. "It's too early to be anyone else. Excuse me for a second."
Sid took a sip of the coffee Lily had handed him earlier and waited with baited breath. Lily returned a few minutes later and the distressed look on her face made Sidney feel extremely uneasy.
"Was that her?" he asked, afraid to hear the answer.
"Uhh, no. It was the hospital calling to see if I could work her shift. Bekah called in sick." Now Lily was bordering on frightened, but did everything she could to hide it from him.
"She NEVER calls in sick," Lily told him shaking her head. "I have to find out what's going on."
Lily didn't care that she was still in her pyjamas, she threw her coat on and grabbed her keys. She was just about out the door when it hit her.
"Shit! I can't leave."
"Why not?" Sid asked. It had slipped both their minds.
"The boys are here," she paused. "Nope, this is too important, I'll wake them up and take them with me. I don't think it would be good if they saw you though," Lily said gingerly.
"You're right. I have to go anyway. I want to get on the ice before the rest of the guys get there anyways, try to clear my head. Lily, I'm really worried now. Please call me as soon as you know anything. I won't be able to concentrate until I know she's okay and I have a game tonight."
"I promise. As soon as I find out anything."

*********************************************

I woke up to the covers being ripped off my head and Lily's harsh words cutting through the silence.
"Rebekah Elizabeth Jones you tell me what the hell is going on right now!"
I groaned and reached for the comforter again, but Lily would have none of it.
"Bekah, now!" Lily demanded.
"Where are the boys?" I asked, starting to panic a little.
"Next door with the Parkers," Lily explained. She laid on the bed next to me, the same spot that Sid had occupied only a few hours earlier. We laid there in silence for a while before she asked again, this time with a gentler tone.
"Will you please tell me what's going on, and don't say nothing because I already know what you did, I just don't understand why you did it. And calling in sick...that's not you, so spill it."
It took a minute for everything she was saying to register in my brain.
"What do you mean you already know what I did? How do you know?"
"How do you think Bekah? Sid showed up at my door completely distraught. He didn't know where else to go. He'd been crying. He told me everything. He's a mess! Totally confused, and frankly Bekah, so am I."
I couldn't picture what Lily was telling me. Sid, crying? He's not like that. He would never show weakness to someone he hardly knew.
I barely had the strength to have this conversation.
"I told you I was ending it and I told you why," I said just wanting to be left alone.
"No, you told me a bullshit lame excuse! Too much, too fast. Bekah, you're my best friend and I love you, but you are full of shit! If you don't want to tell Sid the truth, that's up to you, but I deserve better than that. You haven't been right for days now and I want to know why. What happened?"
"Lily, I wish I could tell you, but I just can't. I can't risk it."
"I knew it! I knew something was up! Risk it? Risk what? You're not making any sense. You know you can trust me with anything Bekah. Tell me and maybe I can help."
"You can't help," I told her again. I couldn't take it anymore. It was far too big a burden to carry alone. "If I tell you, you must promise me, swear that you will never repeat a single word. No one can ever know."
"Jesus Bekah, what the hell is it?"
"Promise me!"
"I promise, I promise. Now what happened?"
I recounted the events of that fateful night. Every sickening feeling, every harsh word. She listened patiently as I told her of the promise I had made to Troy. The promise that has essentially felt like selling my soul to the devil. Lily sat silent and wide-eyed, not knowing what to make of the disturbing revelations I was making.
"So now do you see why I had to end it?" I asked.
"That bastard!" Lily said shaking her head, her anger building like lava in a volcano.
"No Lily, don't. He's Sid's father and he's doing what's best for his son. I would do the same thing if it were Alex or Jake."
"Well if he saw the state his son his in right now, he'd know that he is not doing what's best for him! You have to tell Sid the truth Bekah."
"NO! I can't do that."
"Sid's freaking out Bekah! He's blaming himself for this mess. He thinks he pressured you to fast. You can't let him go on forever thinking that it's his fault. He should know what his father did."
"Absolutely not! Sid's family is everything to him, especially his dad! I will not be responsible for hurting that relationship, or Sid's career for that matter. In time, he'll get over this and move on to some other girl, but his relationship with his dad is forever. I know how much Sid needs Troy right now. It just has to be this way."
"Sid needs you too Bekah, more than you realize. And you need him too. I can't believe you're okay with giving him up! I thought you cared about him?"
"I do care about him Lily, more than I should. I love him enough to let him go because it's what's best for him."
"You What?" Lily asked, not believing the words that just came out of my mouth. "Do you realize what you just said?"
"What? Letting him go is what's best for him?"
"No, not that. You just said that you love him!"
"What? I did not."
"Yes you did! You said you love him enough to let him go! Are you serious Bekah? Do you love him?"
"I...I don't think...I'm not...ah screw it! Yes, Lily," I said quietly. "Of course I love him. What's not to love? But that doesn't matter now."
"Of course it matters! I'm telling you, you need to tell him the truth! Sid may be mad at Troy for a while, but they'll survive. They're family, they love each other. I'm not sure that Sid's going to be okay without you. If you don't tell him, then..."
"Then nothing. You will not tell him. You promised. Just let it be Lily. This is the best for everyone."

Chapter 51

"Holy crap! You look terrible...what are you doing here?"
"I'm sorry. I didn't know where else to go."
Lily led Sidney into her apartment. They both sat down on the couch. A blank stare occupied Sidney's face.
"She did it didn't she?" Lily asked quietly.
"You knew she was going to do this? What did she say? Tell me everything."
Lily could barely stand to see the pain that was so evident in his eyes.
"I don't know everything. All she told me was that she couldn't do it anymore. It was too much too fast for her and she had to end it."
"That's exactly what she said to me. I'm so confused. I don't know where this is all coming from. I thought we were getting closer." He ran his fingers through his already messy hair, then buried his head in his hands. "You warned me this would happen. I pushed too hard. This is all my fault."
"Stop blaming yourself Sid," Lily said rubbing his back. "It's not your fault. I'm sorry. I thought I had her convinced not to do this."
"Was I imagining all this Lily? I couldn't have been imagining the feelings between us could I?"
"No, I don't think so. I haven't seen Bekah this happy well, ever. This bullshit about being too much too fast is a crock. There is something more going on that neither of us are aware of, I'm convinced of it."
"Why would you say that?" Sidney asked hopefully.
"She hasn't been right since your last game before Christmas. I could tell something was wrong, but she wouldn't tell me anything. I thought after Christmas morning she was over it, but when she opened the pictures, she just lost it. It was confusing to me because she was talking about how great that day was, and when I told her the picture of the four of you was beautiful, she snapped! I told her if she would tell me what was going on, maybe I could help her, but she just said I couldn't help this time. She just had to end it."
"I don't get it. After last night..." he trailed off.
"What happened last night?"
"I was delayed getting back and when I finally got to her house she was already asleep. I just wanted to be with her ya know? I crawled into bed with her and just held her. She held my hand and everything! I thought we were getting somewhere, then this morning wham! Out of no where, it's over. It just doesn't make sense," Sidney said shaking his head. "What could have happened?"
"I'm baffled on that one too Sid, but it had to have been something major to have sparked this sudden change of heart."
"And you have no idea what it was?"
"I swear Sid. If I did, I would tell you. I was really rooting for you guys."
"It's soooooooooo frustrating! I could feel it when I kissed her. There is something so special between us."
"You kissed her!" Lily shrieked. "Did she kiss you back?"
"Yes! That's what I don't get! I told her if she could look me in the eye and tell me she didn't have feelings for me, I would leave her alone."
"What did she say?"
"Looked me straight in the eye and said she felt nothing. Lily, I've never felt such pain in my life. She might as well have stabbed me in the heart."
"Sid, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to tell you except she had to have been lying. I know she has feelings for you...but what I don't know, is how you feel about her?"
"Seriously? Do you really need to ask me that?"
"If I'm going to try and help you win her back, I need to know exactly what I'm fighting for."
"You'll help me try and get her back? Lily you're awesome!"
"Not so fast kid! Tell me what it is I'm fighting for."
"For us. I know we're so much happier together than we are apart."
"But how do you feel about her?"
"She is sooo important to me. I need her in my life."
"Yes, but how do you feel about her."
Sidney sat silent for a minute with a troubled look on his face, knowing he'd finally have to admit it. That trademark Sidney grin appeared across his face.
"Well Lily...I..." he paused. "I'm in love with her."

Chapter 50

I sat curled up in the fetal position bawling until I didn't think I had anymore tears left. I couldn't get the look on Sidney's face out of my mind. I hated myself for lying to him and hurting him so deeply. I hated his father for forcing me to do it even more. I know I didn't have a choice. I could never forgive myself if I hurt Sidney's career in any way. It was everything to him. He spent his entire life, correction, gave up his entire life to achieve his goal and I couldn't be any part of ruining it.
My head was pounding and I felt sick to my stomach. There was no possible way I could go to work in this state. I literally dragged myself to the phone, and for the first time in my entire life, called in sick.
I crawled back in bed and tried to shut the world out, even if it was only for a little while. It didn't work. I closed my eyes and I could smell him. The smell of his shampoo was on the pillow next to mine. I rolled over and hugged that pillow like it was actually him. I cried again as my mind filled with the memory of him in bed beside me, holding me in his arms. How his breath felt on my neck. His gentle kisses. The feeling of euphoria that overcame my entire body, only to be followed by something I had never felt before. The feeling of being completely safe. And that kiss! I had been longing to feel his lips against mine and now I had...and I wanted more. I felt his passion run through my body the instant his lips touched mine. I couldn't fight it anymore, I had to give in to his impulse. Kissing him had been so much more than I could have imagined. And now...it would never happen again.
Could this really be happening to me? I had found something in Sidney that I never thought I would be lucky enough to have. Unconditional love. He knew every vile thing that had happened in my life and he stuck around. I blindsided him not once, but twice with the boys and he was unphased. I did everything I could to push him away and he never once gave up on me...until now. The 'L' word was never once said out loud between us, but I knew it was there just by his actions. After years of vacancy in that department, and against my will at times, my own heart betrayed me and allowed me to fall in love again. Yes love! What a cruel irony I was trapped in. I couldn't admit that I was falling in love with Sidney when I needed to, and now that it was impossible, it was the only thing I wanted to say to him. I didn't think God would inflict so much pain on one person, but I guess I was wrong. What do they say? Everything happens for a reason? What doesn't kill us makes us stronger? Bullshit! I am not stronger for cutting Sidney out of my life! I was...I was...nothing. Dead inside, that's what I was.
I pulled the covers over my head and wrapped my arms around that pillow, praying to God for him to take this pain away.