"Hey Sid, where have you been? Nathalie and I have been trying to call you all morning," Mario asked as I walked into his hospital room.
"It's a loooong story and you probably won't believe it when I tell you."
"Well my guess is that it has something to do with a certain cute little nurse that I met last night!"
"Who else?" I said almost positive the look of frustration and confusion was written all over my face.
"Well I guess it's a good thing we've got the drive home to talk about it," Mario said more than a little concerned.
"Oh my god, I am such an ass! Here I am about to dump this crap on you when you have way more important things on your mind! Are you ok? How are you feeling? Are you sure you're ready to go home?"
"I'm fine. The doc gave me some pills and told me to take it easy. I have to come back in a week for a check up. Now let's go, I believe I have a story to listen to."
"Mar, I really just need you to listen and not pull any of that over protective crap on me. I'd really like to hear your opinion or some advise but if you can't say anything helpful or positive, I'd rather you didn't say anything."
"Geez, what the hell happened Sid?"
I recounted every detail of what had happened in the 18 hours since Bekah and I had left his room the night before. Our conversation in the parking lot, going to her house to check on her and how adorable she had been when she was so exhausted, falling asleep holding her and finally everything that had transpired this morning. The horrific details she had told me about growing up, losing her grandmother and brother and the special bond they had shared about Mario himself.
"She came to Pittsburgh to fulfill her promise to them to see you play. She even wears your number on a chain around her neck!"
I told him how it was the last thing David had given her and the meaning behind it. I took a deep breath and told him to brace himself because it got worse. I retold every disgusting detail of her marriage to that animal and the final beating that had made her leave. The anger was beginning to take over in my voice. Before I knew it I was practically yelling and the tears once again rolled down my cheek. I looked at Mario and was surprised to see that he was having the same reaction. Then I told him about the 'just friends' conversation Bekah and I had and that she had basically left the ball in my court.
"I don't have the first clue about what I'm supposed to do here. I know there is sooo much more there than friendship for both of us. I understand why she's so scared to open up and let anyone in, I just wish I could make her see that not all men are like her ex. I know I have to have her in my life, I have to be with her. I just don't know how I'm supposed to act like I'm just her friend when I am quite possibly falling in love with her."
I looked over at Mario who had raised one eyebrow as soon as I said the 'l' word. He had that look of fatherly contempt on his face, the same one he got whenever Stephanie talked about the boys at school she had crushes on.
I inhaled deeply and braced myself for the inevitable barrage of reasons why I should just give up and forget about this girl who was obviously far more trouble than I need in my life. After a long pause, I was stunned at the response I got.
"Well," he said carefully, "if you think that you might love her, I don't see how you have any choice but to fight for her and if that means being her friend for now and not being too overbearing then that's what you'll have to do."
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Sidney's POV
'What the hell is going on with her?' I thought driving away from her house not knowing where I was going. She's up and down and all over the place. One minute we are connecting on a level far deeper than I ever expected, and the next we can only be friends? There's no way she can really mean that! I was not imagining the chemistry between us or the way she makes me feel. I know she feels it too, I can see it in her eyes. So why is she fighting so hard against it? Think about it stupid! She's scared! And she has every right to be. I was right in thinking that she'd been hurt badly, but I had never imagined that it would have been anything like what she had just described to me. The abuse she endured from that monster was something I couldn't wrap my brain around. How could a man lay his hands on that beautiful creature? Any man that could do that is clearly not a man, he is a coward. Because of him, she's built this wall around herself. She's afraid to trust anyone and I'm not sure I can really blame her for that.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Why does this have to be so fucking difficult? I just want to take her in my arms and tell her everything will be ok. Show her that all men are not the same, assure her that I would never hurt her. After today I feel so close to her, my feelings deepening with every word she spoke. How am I supposed to be friends with the girl I am quite possibly falling in love with? LOVE? Shit Crosby are you serious? I'm so confused. Am I falling in love with her or is it the challenge? This is not a simple case of her playing hard to get, she may be impossible to get. Is she worth all the aggravation and frustration I am going to encounter if I try to pursue a relationship with her? YES! I still believe that if we spend time together she will have to give in to the feelings between us and she will fall in love with me. But can I handle being around her under the disguise of her friend when I feel the way I do? I'm going to have to try because I may not be sure about alot of things, but the one thing I am sure of is I need Bekah in my life. This is going to be a tricky situation. I need to get close to her without going to far. Man, I wish I could talk to my Dad about this. Just then I realized I had arrived at my destination. I was back at the hospital. I guess this is the next best thing. I just hope he will understand and not criticize what I need to do.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Why does this have to be so fucking difficult? I just want to take her in my arms and tell her everything will be ok. Show her that all men are not the same, assure her that I would never hurt her. After today I feel so close to her, my feelings deepening with every word she spoke. How am I supposed to be friends with the girl I am quite possibly falling in love with? LOVE? Shit Crosby are you serious? I'm so confused. Am I falling in love with her or is it the challenge? This is not a simple case of her playing hard to get, she may be impossible to get. Is she worth all the aggravation and frustration I am going to encounter if I try to pursue a relationship with her? YES! I still believe that if we spend time together she will have to give in to the feelings between us and she will fall in love with me. But can I handle being around her under the disguise of her friend when I feel the way I do? I'm going to have to try because I may not be sure about alot of things, but the one thing I am sure of is I need Bekah in my life. This is going to be a tricky situation. I need to get close to her without going to far. Man, I wish I could talk to my Dad about this. Just then I realized I had arrived at my destination. I was back at the hospital. I guess this is the next best thing. I just hope he will understand and not criticize what I need to do.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Chapter 20
"You remind me of David alot," I said quietly. "It's kind of scary how your life was very similar to his. I can't help but wonder sometimes if he was still alive if he would be playing in the NHL. That was always his dream."
"Isn't it every Canadian kid's dream? I'm sure he would've made it here. And who knows, he could've been teaching me a thing or two!"
I looked at Sid with adoring eyes.
"Seriously though Beks, thank you."
"For what?"
"For trusting me with your past. I feel so close to you right now, and that's all I ever wanted." He leaned in to kiss me but I stopped him.
"Sidney, I told you everything because I needed you to understand why I am the way I am and why I feel the way I feel. It wasn't fair the way I'd been treating you. But that doesn't mean that anything between us has changed. I just don't see how there can be anything romantic between us."
Sid was very confused. "Did we or did we not just have a major breakthrough here? You just said that David was pushing us together and now you're going to ignore that?"
"Sidney, I care about you very much, I adore you actually, but maybe he brought you into my life to kind of replace him? He was my best friend and the one person I could truly be myself around. I feel the same way when I'm with you. There is nothing romantic about that."
"You can't deny that we have some serious chemistry between us. I feel it and I know you do too. If you put it all together, that sounds like a perfect relationship to me."
"First of all, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Second of all, there is a monumental age difference that just can't be ignored."
"Oh for fuck sakes Bekah! How many times do we have to go over this?" I could hear the anger building in his voice. "Age is just a god damn number! It's the connection between two people and the things they have in common that make a relationship work."
"And you know this how?" I asked a little harshly. "You haven't had a relationship that lasted longer than 30 seconds and you certainly haven't had a grown up relationship. You're still a kid yourself."
"I'm getting really sick and tired of you referring to me as a kid. I think I've proven I'm not an average 18 year old," he said bitterly.
"Yes, in many ways you have," I said trying to take a gentler tone. "But not in this way. The reality remains the same Sid. I have two kids to consider. I cannot afford to be an experiment to see if you can handle an adult relationship and all the complications that come with it. It may not seem like it, but I am trying to do what's best for you too. It's not fair to burden you with all the excess baggage I come with. You have enough on your plate. You need to find yourself a girl who can give you the kind of love and support you need, someone who can just focus on you and building a life with you. You deserve that."
"I can't believe that you are trying to disguise your selfishness with fake concern about what's best for me. You don't have the first clue about what's best for me! It certainly isn't some little puck slut who just wants to fuck me to say that she's been with Sidney Crosby or one that wants to be with with me for what I do and not who I am inside."
I was startled by the viciousness of his words.
"Not all girls are like that. There are good ones out there."
"What kind of girls do you think I get to meet Bekah? You are the one being naive if you think girls like you come along every day."
I need to take a different approach here. "Did you mean it when you said you wanted me in your life even if it was just as a friend?" I asked.
"Well, yes but because I thought once you got to know me, you would not be able to resist my incredible charms and you'd fall madly in love with me," he said coyly. Finally the mood was starting to lift! "I was just trying to keep you in my life."
"Well, if you really just want me to be part of your life then being your friend is all I can offer you. You're going to have to decide if knowing that it will never amount to anything more, that's enough for you. I have to get ready for my day. You take some time and really think about this. When you're ready, let me know."
"Isn't it every Canadian kid's dream? I'm sure he would've made it here. And who knows, he could've been teaching me a thing or two!"
I looked at Sid with adoring eyes.
"Seriously though Beks, thank you."
"For what?"
"For trusting me with your past. I feel so close to you right now, and that's all I ever wanted." He leaned in to kiss me but I stopped him.
"Sidney, I told you everything because I needed you to understand why I am the way I am and why I feel the way I feel. It wasn't fair the way I'd been treating you. But that doesn't mean that anything between us has changed. I just don't see how there can be anything romantic between us."
Sid was very confused. "Did we or did we not just have a major breakthrough here? You just said that David was pushing us together and now you're going to ignore that?"
"Sidney, I care about you very much, I adore you actually, but maybe he brought you into my life to kind of replace him? He was my best friend and the one person I could truly be myself around. I feel the same way when I'm with you. There is nothing romantic about that."
"You can't deny that we have some serious chemistry between us. I feel it and I know you do too. If you put it all together, that sounds like a perfect relationship to me."
"First of all, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Second of all, there is a monumental age difference that just can't be ignored."
"Oh for fuck sakes Bekah! How many times do we have to go over this?" I could hear the anger building in his voice. "Age is just a god damn number! It's the connection between two people and the things they have in common that make a relationship work."
"And you know this how?" I asked a little harshly. "You haven't had a relationship that lasted longer than 30 seconds and you certainly haven't had a grown up relationship. You're still a kid yourself."
"I'm getting really sick and tired of you referring to me as a kid. I think I've proven I'm not an average 18 year old," he said bitterly.
"Yes, in many ways you have," I said trying to take a gentler tone. "But not in this way. The reality remains the same Sid. I have two kids to consider. I cannot afford to be an experiment to see if you can handle an adult relationship and all the complications that come with it. It may not seem like it, but I am trying to do what's best for you too. It's not fair to burden you with all the excess baggage I come with. You have enough on your plate. You need to find yourself a girl who can give you the kind of love and support you need, someone who can just focus on you and building a life with you. You deserve that."
"I can't believe that you are trying to disguise your selfishness with fake concern about what's best for me. You don't have the first clue about what's best for me! It certainly isn't some little puck slut who just wants to fuck me to say that she's been with Sidney Crosby or one that wants to be with with me for what I do and not who I am inside."
I was startled by the viciousness of his words.
"Not all girls are like that. There are good ones out there."
"What kind of girls do you think I get to meet Bekah? You are the one being naive if you think girls like you come along every day."
I need to take a different approach here. "Did you mean it when you said you wanted me in your life even if it was just as a friend?" I asked.
"Well, yes but because I thought once you got to know me, you would not be able to resist my incredible charms and you'd fall madly in love with me," he said coyly. Finally the mood was starting to lift! "I was just trying to keep you in my life."
"Well, if you really just want me to be part of your life then being your friend is all I can offer you. You're going to have to decide if knowing that it will never amount to anything more, that's enough for you. I have to get ready for my day. You take some time and really think about this. When you're ready, let me know."
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Chapter 19
Sorry everyone! This is a long one again!
I sat down on the stool I had previously occupied and buried my head in my arms. It was completely silent except for my sobbing and the thoughts running through my head. I had been on an emotional roller coaster since Sidney Crosby came into my life and I wasn't sure how much longer I could stay on. The truth was that I didn't know anything anymore except I was given the gift of Sidney and I was doing everything possible to make him hate me. I started to feel sorry for Sidney. We had met because I had thought he wasn't 'anything special' and he had made the best of it. He had been surprised by the existence of my boys on two separate occasions and he barely skipped a beat all the while being totally wonderful to them. He complied when I had asked him to leave me alone, but never completely abandoned our connection still seeking me out at games to give me a wink or a smile. And the past 24 hours had only confirmed what I was secretly feeling. Sidney was an amazing human being and despite my difficulty with the age difference and all my rules and logic, I wanted him to be part of my life, even if it was only as a friend. So what was I treating him so horribly?
Just then I felt the loving touch that I was becoming all too familiar with. His hands were gently caressing my shoulders in an attempt to soothe me.
"Bekah," he whispered, "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to cross the line, but please don't shut me out. Talk to me."
I looked up at him with my tear stained cheeks and saw a look in his eyes that I had never seen before. I didn't say a word, just looked into those eyes trying to figure out if he was my safe place to fall. Lily was right. I had to let go of the past if I had any hope of a future whether it was with Sidney or someone else.
"Beks please," he pleaded.
I didn't even care that he called me that. It actually gave me a feeling of being safe and dare I say loved?
I took a deep breath and opened my mouth but at first nothing would come out. "This is very difficult for me to talk about. I haven't told anybody what I am about to tell you except Lily."
He sat down on the stool beside me and held my hand in his. "Take your time, I told you, I'm not going anywhere."
"I don't even know where to start."
"Well, how about with David. Was he...or rather is he...the boy's father?" he asked tensing, afraid of what my reaction would be this time.
I sighed a very long sigh before answering. "No," I said quietly looking down before meeting his gaze again. "He was my brother. He was also my best friend. He died when he was 18, of leukemia." I had to stop. The tears were starting again and the pain I was feeling was as intense as it had been 18 years ago. I took another deep breath and let it all go.
I told Sidney everything from the beginning. My non-existent relationship with parents who cared less if I was around or not, my close relationship with my grandmother who had been my safe haven during my childhood, how wonderful David was and about our special relationship and his budding hockey career that I was so proud of even to this day. And then I told him about the special bond that held the three of us together - Mario. I pulled the pendant out from underneath my scrub shirt that I was still wearing from the day before and showed it to Sidney.
"This is the last thing David ever gave me." I explained the meaning behind it. "It was my birthday gift. He gave it to me the day he died."
I told him about the promises I had made to gram and David before they had died. I was considering stopping there but I figured I'd come this far, might as well go all the way. I continued with my 'downward spiral' years and how I had met Jeff. I told him every nasty detail of my marriage to Jeff and the verbal and physical abuse I had endured over the years, including the beating I had taken the night I decided to finally leave the bastard.
"He had given me a black eye and 3 broken ribs because I hadn't gotten around to picking up the wet towel that was left on the floor after Jake's bath."
I looked up at Sid and saw that he had tears sliding down his rugged jaw. His grip tightened on my hand.
"That night I locked myself in the boy's room and cried for hours. Not because I was in pain, but because I was ashamed at what I had become. I thought about the words my gram had said to me the night she died. 'You are so strong and so smart. You are capable of achieving great things in your life. Don't let your fears hold you back.' And that was it. I packed up the boys, left while Jeff was sleeping and never looked back. I put myself through nursing school working two jobs to support us. When the Penguins won the 'Sidney Crosby lottery' and I found out that Mario would be playing this season, I decided it was time to fulfill gram and David's dream of coming to Pittsburgh to see Mario play. We actually came here the same time you did," I kind of chuckled remembering how I met his father.
Sid looked at me for a long time before saying anything. I could only imagine what it was like for him trying to take in all this information I had just burdened him with.
"So...a little more than you bargained for eh?" I said finally breaking the silence.
He looked at me with such affection and said, "Bekah, I'm so sorry that happened to you. No one should ever have to go through what you've been through. Most people wouldn't be able to endure that kind of pain and tragedy in a lifetime let alone a few short years. And look at you. You overcame it all and made a wonderful life for you and those boys. You should be very proud of yourself."
His praise made me a little uncomfortable. I wasn't used to a man being so wonderful.
"I guess our lives are kind of intertwined aren't they?" he said with a very cute but puzzled look on his face.
"You have no idea!" I replied.
"Explain."
"I have been thinking alot about this since I've met you. You've kind of forced me to look at my life and where I want it to go. I've been so busy trying to get you out of my mind that I ignored some very important signs."
"Signs?? You're not into all that voodoo psychic crap are you?"
"No, but I do believe there is a higher power and that we all have guardian angels looking out for us. How else can you explain all the coincidences?"
"What coincidences?"
"Like, I believe when one person's life ends, another one will begin. David died August 7, 1987 at 4:47 pm."
"I was born August 7, 1987 at 4:50pm," he said looking a little freaked out.
"Exactly! And how else would you explain how I went to watch Mario that day at training camp and instead met you father and mini fan club and couldn't stop watching you? And how I ended up sitting in the same section with your parents at your first game and your dad remembered me and I ultimately end up meeting you? And how you ended up finding me? And running into you at the hospital yesterday and you being responsible for my dream of meeting Mario coming true?"
"Okay, okay, okay!" he laughed. "Do you honestly think these things are some kind of fate?"
"I think someone up there is pushing us together and I have a pretty good idea who it is," I looked up and smiled. "Thank you gram and David!" he smiled.
I sat down on the stool I had previously occupied and buried my head in my arms. It was completely silent except for my sobbing and the thoughts running through my head. I had been on an emotional roller coaster since Sidney Crosby came into my life and I wasn't sure how much longer I could stay on. The truth was that I didn't know anything anymore except I was given the gift of Sidney and I was doing everything possible to make him hate me. I started to feel sorry for Sidney. We had met because I had thought he wasn't 'anything special' and he had made the best of it. He had been surprised by the existence of my boys on two separate occasions and he barely skipped a beat all the while being totally wonderful to them. He complied when I had asked him to leave me alone, but never completely abandoned our connection still seeking me out at games to give me a wink or a smile. And the past 24 hours had only confirmed what I was secretly feeling. Sidney was an amazing human being and despite my difficulty with the age difference and all my rules and logic, I wanted him to be part of my life, even if it was only as a friend. So what was I treating him so horribly?
Just then I felt the loving touch that I was becoming all too familiar with. His hands were gently caressing my shoulders in an attempt to soothe me.
"Bekah," he whispered, "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to cross the line, but please don't shut me out. Talk to me."
I looked up at him with my tear stained cheeks and saw a look in his eyes that I had never seen before. I didn't say a word, just looked into those eyes trying to figure out if he was my safe place to fall. Lily was right. I had to let go of the past if I had any hope of a future whether it was with Sidney or someone else.
"Beks please," he pleaded.
I didn't even care that he called me that. It actually gave me a feeling of being safe and dare I say loved?
I took a deep breath and opened my mouth but at first nothing would come out. "This is very difficult for me to talk about. I haven't told anybody what I am about to tell you except Lily."
He sat down on the stool beside me and held my hand in his. "Take your time, I told you, I'm not going anywhere."
"I don't even know where to start."
"Well, how about with David. Was he...or rather is he...the boy's father?" he asked tensing, afraid of what my reaction would be this time.
I sighed a very long sigh before answering. "No," I said quietly looking down before meeting his gaze again. "He was my brother. He was also my best friend. He died when he was 18, of leukemia." I had to stop. The tears were starting again and the pain I was feeling was as intense as it had been 18 years ago. I took another deep breath and let it all go.
I told Sidney everything from the beginning. My non-existent relationship with parents who cared less if I was around or not, my close relationship with my grandmother who had been my safe haven during my childhood, how wonderful David was and about our special relationship and his budding hockey career that I was so proud of even to this day. And then I told him about the special bond that held the three of us together - Mario. I pulled the pendant out from underneath my scrub shirt that I was still wearing from the day before and showed it to Sidney.
"This is the last thing David ever gave me." I explained the meaning behind it. "It was my birthday gift. He gave it to me the day he died."
I told him about the promises I had made to gram and David before they had died. I was considering stopping there but I figured I'd come this far, might as well go all the way. I continued with my 'downward spiral' years and how I had met Jeff. I told him every nasty detail of my marriage to Jeff and the verbal and physical abuse I had endured over the years, including the beating I had taken the night I decided to finally leave the bastard.
"He had given me a black eye and 3 broken ribs because I hadn't gotten around to picking up the wet towel that was left on the floor after Jake's bath."
I looked up at Sid and saw that he had tears sliding down his rugged jaw. His grip tightened on my hand.
"That night I locked myself in the boy's room and cried for hours. Not because I was in pain, but because I was ashamed at what I had become. I thought about the words my gram had said to me the night she died. 'You are so strong and so smart. You are capable of achieving great things in your life. Don't let your fears hold you back.' And that was it. I packed up the boys, left while Jeff was sleeping and never looked back. I put myself through nursing school working two jobs to support us. When the Penguins won the 'Sidney Crosby lottery' and I found out that Mario would be playing this season, I decided it was time to fulfill gram and David's dream of coming to Pittsburgh to see Mario play. We actually came here the same time you did," I kind of chuckled remembering how I met his father.
Sid looked at me for a long time before saying anything. I could only imagine what it was like for him trying to take in all this information I had just burdened him with.
"So...a little more than you bargained for eh?" I said finally breaking the silence.
He looked at me with such affection and said, "Bekah, I'm so sorry that happened to you. No one should ever have to go through what you've been through. Most people wouldn't be able to endure that kind of pain and tragedy in a lifetime let alone a few short years. And look at you. You overcame it all and made a wonderful life for you and those boys. You should be very proud of yourself."
His praise made me a little uncomfortable. I wasn't used to a man being so wonderful.
"I guess our lives are kind of intertwined aren't they?" he said with a very cute but puzzled look on his face.
"You have no idea!" I replied.
"Explain."
"I have been thinking alot about this since I've met you. You've kind of forced me to look at my life and where I want it to go. I've been so busy trying to get you out of my mind that I ignored some very important signs."
"Signs?? You're not into all that voodoo psychic crap are you?"
"No, but I do believe there is a higher power and that we all have guardian angels looking out for us. How else can you explain all the coincidences?"
"What coincidences?"
"Like, I believe when one person's life ends, another one will begin. David died August 7, 1987 at 4:47 pm."
"I was born August 7, 1987 at 4:50pm," he said looking a little freaked out.
"Exactly! And how else would you explain how I went to watch Mario that day at training camp and instead met you father and mini fan club and couldn't stop watching you? And how I ended up sitting in the same section with your parents at your first game and your dad remembered me and I ultimately end up meeting you? And how you ended up finding me? And running into you at the hospital yesterday and you being responsible for my dream of meeting Mario coming true?"
"Okay, okay, okay!" he laughed. "Do you honestly think these things are some kind of fate?"
"I think someone up there is pushing us together and I have a pretty good idea who it is," I looked up and smiled. "Thank you gram and David!" he smiled.
Chapter 18
I woke up with the sun beating down on my face and the smell of the nectar of the gods tantalizing my nose. Without opening my eyes I yelled to my best friend, "Lily, you made me coffee! I love you!"
"Well if I knew it would get that kind of reaction I would have made coffee hours ago!"
I jumped and turned around to see Sidney standing there holding two mugs of coffee.
"Good morning sunshine! I hope you don't mind but I helped myself to your coffee maker. I figured you might need some this morning. Did you sleep well?"
"Sid, what are you doing here? And how did you get in my house?" I was so confused.
"Geez Bekah, it really hurts that you don't even remember our first night together," he said pretending to act wounded.
"What do you mean 'our first night together'," I said completely serious.
"You really don't remember do you?"
"Vaguely. Refresh my memory," I said taking the mug of coffee from his outstretched hand and sitting down on a stool at the breakfast bar.
"You were supposed to call me when you got home..."
"And I did, didn't I?"
"You were going to but you didn't quite make it that far. You fell asleep on the couch with the phone in your hand and still wearing your coat and shoes. Sitting up I might add!"
"I did not!'
"You sure did! It was probably one of the cutest things I've ever seen."
I thought about this for a second. "Ok, but that still doesn't explain how you got in my house or what you're doing here this morning.
"Bekah, you couldn't even take your coat off, do you really think you remembered to lock your door? Anyways, I told you if you didn't call I was coming over here to check on you and I guess it's a good thing I did. Otherwise you'd still be sitting up on that couch with your coat on!"
"What exactly happened?" I asked reluctantly.
"Do you really think I would take advantage of an unconscious girl?" he asked faking hurt feelings.
"Must you be so sarcastic this early in the morning?"
"Absolutely! Pay back's a bitch isn't it?" he said laughing.
"Fair enough," I conceded, "but seriously?"
"Seriously, I just took your coat and shoes off and you curled up with your head on my lap and that was it. You were out like a light!"
"Oh Sid, I'm so sorry!"
"It's ok, I really didn't mind. Besides you were obviously in desperate need of sleep."
"And you stayed like that all night?" I asked feeling really bad. "That couldn't have been very comfortable for you."
"Actually, I can't remember a time when I felt more relaxed. I had a great sleep!"
"Now I really know you're full of shit!" I said.
"Hey, is that any way to talk to the guy who took care of you last night and made you coffee this morning?"
"You're right. Great coffee by the way! At least if this whole hockey thing doesn't work out you can have a career at Starbucks!"
"Ahhhh, there's that Bekah sarcasm I love!"
"Ok, in all seriousness, thank you."
"Buuuut?"
"No but, just thank you," I smiled.
We just sat in comfortable silence and drank our coffee for a few minutes.
"So how did you get a day off anyways?" he asked.
"Long story," I said.
"I have time."
"Well, Ive been trying to keep my mind off ... things lately, so I've been working alot of extra shifts, some of them doubles, and Lily suggested that I was going to run myself into the ground if I didn't take some time for myself."
"Lily sounds like a very smart girl."
"She's great! She's my best friend. Anyways, I realized that I have no Christmas shopping done so I asked one of the other nurses to take my shift today and she agreed, so that's my plan. I'm going to finish shopping for the boys."
"I love shopping for kids!"
"Really?"
"No not really, but I do still have to get something for my sister. I could really use a girl's perspective...would you mind some company?"
I started to get an uneasy feeling in my stomach.
"Uhh, I don't think that would be a very good idea," I said quickly. "I've already taken up too much of your time. You should really probably go, I'm sure you are very busy. Don't you have practise or something?" I was grasping at straws here.
"Actually we have an off day today. Why are you so freaked out Bekah?"
"Sidney, we have been over this. I don't think it's a good idea that we spend time together. Last night was a fluke. We both had rough days and it just kind of happened, but we need to get back to reality here."
"What happened to you?"
"What do you mean?"
"Last night and this morning you've been so great. Your true personality was starting to come through, and then just like that," he snapped his fingers, "you're gone!" His voice sounded hurt and confused but he still managed a concerned tone. "What happened to you to make you so closed off and scared?" he said softly putting his hand on top of mine.
I could feel the tears building up in my eyes, and there was no way I was going to let him see me cry. My hurt turned to anger and frustration.
"Where the hell do you get off?" I asked with more than a hint of anger in my voice. "Don't presume to think that you have the first clue as to what my true personality is after one conversation in a parking lot!" I was so mad, mostly at myself for being in this situation. I knew there was going to be no holding back the tears. I felt the first one roll down my cheek and I turned away from him.
He came out from behind the counter and stood in front of me. He lifted my chin and gently wiped the tears away with his thumb. He cupped my face in his hands and made me look into his eyes.
"I wish I could make you believe that there is nothing you could say that will make me think any less of you," he said quietly. "I wish I could make you believe that everything will be ok, but all I can do is offer to listen and promise you that no matter what, I'm not going anywhere."
The tears flowed more freely now. I didn't know what to say to that, not that I could've said anything at that moment. I just collapsed into his arms and cried. He wrapped his arms around me tightly and kissed the top of my head.
"Bekah, you said something in your sleep last night. I'm almost afraid to ask, but does this have anything to do with David?"
I felt the colour drain from my face and I jerked myself out of Sidney's embrace. "Wh...what did you just say?" I asked in disbelief.
"Last night in your sleep you just kept saying 'David, please don't leave' over and over again. Is this David the one who hurt you so deeply?"
I tried to pull myself together as best I could, but him bringing up David's name really threw me for a loop. "You don't have any idea about what you're talking about," I said as calmly as I could.
"You're right, I don't because you keep shutting me out. Why don't you tell me and then maybe I can understand."
"You will never understand. David would never have hurt me and he is none of your business. You need to leave," I said sternly. "Now!"
"Well if I knew it would get that kind of reaction I would have made coffee hours ago!"
I jumped and turned around to see Sidney standing there holding two mugs of coffee.
"Good morning sunshine! I hope you don't mind but I helped myself to your coffee maker. I figured you might need some this morning. Did you sleep well?"
"Sid, what are you doing here? And how did you get in my house?" I was so confused.
"Geez Bekah, it really hurts that you don't even remember our first night together," he said pretending to act wounded.
"What do you mean 'our first night together'," I said completely serious.
"You really don't remember do you?"
"Vaguely. Refresh my memory," I said taking the mug of coffee from his outstretched hand and sitting down on a stool at the breakfast bar.
"You were supposed to call me when you got home..."
"And I did, didn't I?"
"You were going to but you didn't quite make it that far. You fell asleep on the couch with the phone in your hand and still wearing your coat and shoes. Sitting up I might add!"
"I did not!'
"You sure did! It was probably one of the cutest things I've ever seen."
I thought about this for a second. "Ok, but that still doesn't explain how you got in my house or what you're doing here this morning.
"Bekah, you couldn't even take your coat off, do you really think you remembered to lock your door? Anyways, I told you if you didn't call I was coming over here to check on you and I guess it's a good thing I did. Otherwise you'd still be sitting up on that couch with your coat on!"
"What exactly happened?" I asked reluctantly.
"Do you really think I would take advantage of an unconscious girl?" he asked faking hurt feelings.
"Must you be so sarcastic this early in the morning?"
"Absolutely! Pay back's a bitch isn't it?" he said laughing.
"Fair enough," I conceded, "but seriously?"
"Seriously, I just took your coat and shoes off and you curled up with your head on my lap and that was it. You were out like a light!"
"Oh Sid, I'm so sorry!"
"It's ok, I really didn't mind. Besides you were obviously in desperate need of sleep."
"And you stayed like that all night?" I asked feeling really bad. "That couldn't have been very comfortable for you."
"Actually, I can't remember a time when I felt more relaxed. I had a great sleep!"
"Now I really know you're full of shit!" I said.
"Hey, is that any way to talk to the guy who took care of you last night and made you coffee this morning?"
"You're right. Great coffee by the way! At least if this whole hockey thing doesn't work out you can have a career at Starbucks!"
"Ahhhh, there's that Bekah sarcasm I love!"
"Ok, in all seriousness, thank you."
"Buuuut?"
"No but, just thank you," I smiled.
We just sat in comfortable silence and drank our coffee for a few minutes.
"So how did you get a day off anyways?" he asked.
"Long story," I said.
"I have time."
"Well, Ive been trying to keep my mind off ... things lately, so I've been working alot of extra shifts, some of them doubles, and Lily suggested that I was going to run myself into the ground if I didn't take some time for myself."
"Lily sounds like a very smart girl."
"She's great! She's my best friend. Anyways, I realized that I have no Christmas shopping done so I asked one of the other nurses to take my shift today and she agreed, so that's my plan. I'm going to finish shopping for the boys."
"I love shopping for kids!"
"Really?"
"No not really, but I do still have to get something for my sister. I could really use a girl's perspective...would you mind some company?"
I started to get an uneasy feeling in my stomach.
"Uhh, I don't think that would be a very good idea," I said quickly. "I've already taken up too much of your time. You should really probably go, I'm sure you are very busy. Don't you have practise or something?" I was grasping at straws here.
"Actually we have an off day today. Why are you so freaked out Bekah?"
"Sidney, we have been over this. I don't think it's a good idea that we spend time together. Last night was a fluke. We both had rough days and it just kind of happened, but we need to get back to reality here."
"What happened to you?"
"What do you mean?"
"Last night and this morning you've been so great. Your true personality was starting to come through, and then just like that," he snapped his fingers, "you're gone!" His voice sounded hurt and confused but he still managed a concerned tone. "What happened to you to make you so closed off and scared?" he said softly putting his hand on top of mine.
I could feel the tears building up in my eyes, and there was no way I was going to let him see me cry. My hurt turned to anger and frustration.
"Where the hell do you get off?" I asked with more than a hint of anger in my voice. "Don't presume to think that you have the first clue as to what my true personality is after one conversation in a parking lot!" I was so mad, mostly at myself for being in this situation. I knew there was going to be no holding back the tears. I felt the first one roll down my cheek and I turned away from him.
He came out from behind the counter and stood in front of me. He lifted my chin and gently wiped the tears away with his thumb. He cupped my face in his hands and made me look into his eyes.
"I wish I could make you believe that there is nothing you could say that will make me think any less of you," he said quietly. "I wish I could make you believe that everything will be ok, but all I can do is offer to listen and promise you that no matter what, I'm not going anywhere."
The tears flowed more freely now. I didn't know what to say to that, not that I could've said anything at that moment. I just collapsed into his arms and cried. He wrapped his arms around me tightly and kissed the top of my head.
"Bekah, you said something in your sleep last night. I'm almost afraid to ask, but does this have anything to do with David?"
I felt the colour drain from my face and I jerked myself out of Sidney's embrace. "Wh...what did you just say?" I asked in disbelief.
"Last night in your sleep you just kept saying 'David, please don't leave' over and over again. Is this David the one who hurt you so deeply?"
I tried to pull myself together as best I could, but him bringing up David's name really threw me for a loop. "You don't have any idea about what you're talking about," I said as calmly as I could.
"You're right, I don't because you keep shutting me out. Why don't you tell me and then maybe I can understand."
"You will never understand. David would never have hurt me and he is none of your business. You need to leave," I said sternly. "Now!"
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Sidney's POV
I could not remember a time when I felt this relaxed. Right here, right now there were no cameras, no reporters, no hockey. There was no outside world at all, just me and this amazing girl together in complete silence. I felt utterly peaceful and happy, two feelings that I usually only feel when I'm on the ice. Bekah was full of surprises and was still a complete mystery to me, yet she had the ability to make me feel at ease. It was so comfortable to be with her, to talk to her (even with her sarcasm and stubborn streak). I just sat listening to the steady rhythm of her breathing, caressing her silky hair. For the first time off the ice I felt like I was exactly where I was supposed to be. The moon was shining through the front window illuminating the room with soft light. The shelf with all the trophies and medals was practically right beside me now. The moon gave enough light I was able to read some of them.
'Most Improved Player - 1982', 'Most Valuable Player 1984,1985,1986','Leading Scorer 1985, 1986', 'Most Sportsmanlike Player - 1983, 1985, 1986', 'Best Defensive Forward - 1984, 1985, 1986'. These were amazing accomplishments, and from before I was born! Who did these belong to? I could only assume they belonged to the boy in the picture, but who was he? And why was there nothing after 1986?
I felt Bekah start to stir and she was mumbling something in her sleep that I couldn't quite make out. She repeated it a few times and the last time I caught it. "No David, please don't go." I was pondering over who David could be when I felt my own exhaustion take over my body. I tightened my grip on Bekah's arm and let my eyes close. It had been an extremely emotional day for me and I'm sure this new mystery could wait until morning to me solved.
'Most Improved Player - 1982', 'Most Valuable Player 1984,1985,1986','Leading Scorer 1985, 1986', 'Most Sportsmanlike Player - 1983, 1985, 1986', 'Best Defensive Forward - 1984, 1985, 1986'. These were amazing accomplishments, and from before I was born! Who did these belong to? I could only assume they belonged to the boy in the picture, but who was he? And why was there nothing after 1986?
I felt Bekah start to stir and she was mumbling something in her sleep that I couldn't quite make out. She repeated it a few times and the last time I caught it. "No David, please don't go." I was pondering over who David could be when I felt my own exhaustion take over my body. I tightened my grip on Bekah's arm and let my eyes close. It had been an extremely emotional day for me and I'm sure this new mystery could wait until morning to me solved.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Chapter 17
I felt my hair tickling my face and then strong hands slide down my legs til they reached my feet. I was startled and struggled to get up. The strong hands were now on my shoulders trying to keep me still and all I heard was a familiar voice whispering "shhhhhh, relax it's ok." When I finally managed to open my eyes ever so slightly, I was sure I must be dreaming.
"Sid? What? How?" I was so tired I couldn't even form a cohesive sentence.
"You didn't call," he said tenderly. "I was worried, so I came to check on you like I said I would."
I was starting to become a little more aware of my surroundings now, but I still felt like I couldn't move.
"The last thing I remember is thinking that I had to call you and grabbing my phone... but we never talked?" I asked slightly confused.
"Well that explains why you're still holding the phone in your hand," Sid said with a chuckle, "but Bekah, you were sleeping sitting up still wearing your shoes and coat!"
I looked down at myself to see that he was right. I had been so exhausted I didn't bother to undress, I just flopped on the couch.
"I'm just so tired. I don't even have the energy to move," I said as my eyes were fluttering shut again.
Sidney sat beside me on the couch.
"Well I guess it's a good thing I showed up. Come on, let's get you out of your coat and shoes."
Sid pulled one shoe off, then the other. He gently slid my coat off my arms and pulled it out from behind me.
"You still with me Bekah?"
"Hmmmmm?"
"What time do you have to work tommorrow?"
"Hmmmmm?"
"Work! Are you working tommorrow?"
"No work...day off," I managed to say without opening my eyes.
"Good. I think you might need a day off." A note of concern crept into his voice. "Bekah, where are the boys?"
"Next door with the Parkers. They're sleeping. Me too. Need to sleep."
Sid moved down to the end of the couch and grabbed one of the small pillows and put it across his legs.
"Come here sleepy head. Lay down."
He pulled me down towards him until my head was resting on his lap. Without hesitation, I curled up into a ball and snuggled in. He grabbed the blanket from the back of the couch and covered me up. One hand rested with a firm hold on my arm. The other slowly and gently ran through my hair. He settled in to the corner off the couch and laid his head back letting his eyes close. He knew I was already fast asleep. Still caressing my hair he whispered, "Goodnight beautiful. Sweet dreams."
"Sid? What? How?" I was so tired I couldn't even form a cohesive sentence.
"You didn't call," he said tenderly. "I was worried, so I came to check on you like I said I would."
I was starting to become a little more aware of my surroundings now, but I still felt like I couldn't move.
"The last thing I remember is thinking that I had to call you and grabbing my phone... but we never talked?" I asked slightly confused.
"Well that explains why you're still holding the phone in your hand," Sid said with a chuckle, "but Bekah, you were sleeping sitting up still wearing your shoes and coat!"
I looked down at myself to see that he was right. I had been so exhausted I didn't bother to undress, I just flopped on the couch.
"I'm just so tired. I don't even have the energy to move," I said as my eyes were fluttering shut again.
Sidney sat beside me on the couch.
"Well I guess it's a good thing I showed up. Come on, let's get you out of your coat and shoes."
Sid pulled one shoe off, then the other. He gently slid my coat off my arms and pulled it out from behind me.
"You still with me Bekah?"
"Hmmmmm?"
"What time do you have to work tommorrow?"
"Hmmmmm?"
"Work! Are you working tommorrow?"
"No work...day off," I managed to say without opening my eyes.
"Good. I think you might need a day off." A note of concern crept into his voice. "Bekah, where are the boys?"
"Next door with the Parkers. They're sleeping. Me too. Need to sleep."
Sid moved down to the end of the couch and grabbed one of the small pillows and put it across his legs.
"Come here sleepy head. Lay down."
He pulled me down towards him until my head was resting on his lap. Without hesitation, I curled up into a ball and snuggled in. He grabbed the blanket from the back of the couch and covered me up. One hand rested with a firm hold on my arm. The other slowly and gently ran through my hair. He settled in to the corner off the couch and laid his head back letting his eyes close. He knew I was already fast asleep. Still caressing my hair he whispered, "Goodnight beautiful. Sweet dreams."
Chapter 16
I sat in my car unable to move. My hands were gripping the steering wheel so tightly my knuckles were white and my hands actually started to hurt. I was trying to figure out how my life went from nightmare to dream in such a brief time. Sidney had become a breath of fresh air in my seemingly stifling life. Let's face it, between work and the boys I was suffocating in other peoples needs, and forgetting my own had just become second nature. Don't get me wrong, that is the way I had wanted it. Giving my boys the best life possible was my absolute top priority, but Lily's and Sidney's words kept a resounding presence in my head. 'How long are you going to be a victim?' 'As long as you're shut down and locked away, that asshole wins.' And the kicker was Sid's. 'You deserve love too.' Was I beginning to realize they were right? Surely I was not capable of letting the wall I had so carefully constructed around my heart crumble because of a pair of gorgeous hazel eyes, beautifully luscious lips and a goofy smile. The truth is (and here lies my dilemma), my reasons for shutting Sid out of my life were legitimate and they were not going to change. He is far too young for me and how can I bring someone into the boys lives, especially someone as high profile as him, just to have him ripped out of their lives when the relationship inevitably ends? And it will end. But Sidney was absolutely wonderful! I swear he's bordering on being perfect. Seeing him tonight so vulnerable and scared just hit home the fact that he was a real person with real feelings and not just a product of the media machine that was his life. He was so easy to be with. For the first time in my life I was able to completely be myself around a guy and I had no fear about what he was thinking about me. I could say whatever sarcastic remark that popped into my head and he got it (and didn't take it personally)! I have never felt as at ease with someone in my entire life (except gram and David).
I drove home with a perm-a-smile on my face. My cheeks were starting to hurt, yet I could not stop smiling! I replayed the details of tonight's events back in my mind. The most profound of course being meeting Mario. I still couldn't wrap my brain around that one! I fiddled with the charm on my necklace and let my thoughts drift to gram and David. They would've been so happy for me. They must be smiling down on me. I was just sorry it was under these circumstances. How could I convey to him how much he had meant to me and my family when he was lying in a hospital bed? I couldn't, and that was probably my only chance. And then there was Sidney! Mr. Incredible himself. I relived every perfect detail in my mind and before I knew it, I was in my driveway with no real recollection of getting there!
I went next door to the Parker's to get the boys without a clue as to what time it was. Only 10pm, not bad? Both boys were already fast asleep and I had neither the strength or energy to get them back home. Mrs. Parker insisted that they just spend the night there and she would take them to school in the morning so I could try and sleep in a little, after all no work! I was so grateful (and completely exhausted)! I made it over to my house and crashed on the first soft surface I saw! My couch! It was not long and I felt my eyelids getting enormously heavy and begin to close. I was dozing in and out of consciousness when it hit me like a ton of bricks. 'Sidney! You have to call Sidney, you promised,' I reached for my cell phone and flipped it open and began scrolling through the directory of contacts. That was the last thing I remembered until...
I drove home with a perm-a-smile on my face. My cheeks were starting to hurt, yet I could not stop smiling! I replayed the details of tonight's events back in my mind. The most profound of course being meeting Mario. I still couldn't wrap my brain around that one! I fiddled with the charm on my necklace and let my thoughts drift to gram and David. They would've been so happy for me. They must be smiling down on me. I was just sorry it was under these circumstances. How could I convey to him how much he had meant to me and my family when he was lying in a hospital bed? I couldn't, and that was probably my only chance. And then there was Sidney! Mr. Incredible himself. I relived every perfect detail in my mind and before I knew it, I was in my driveway with no real recollection of getting there!
I went next door to the Parker's to get the boys without a clue as to what time it was. Only 10pm, not bad? Both boys were already fast asleep and I had neither the strength or energy to get them back home. Mrs. Parker insisted that they just spend the night there and she would take them to school in the morning so I could try and sleep in a little, after all no work! I was so grateful (and completely exhausted)! I made it over to my house and crashed on the first soft surface I saw! My couch! It was not long and I felt my eyelids getting enormously heavy and begin to close. I was dozing in and out of consciousness when it hit me like a ton of bricks. 'Sidney! You have to call Sidney, you promised,' I reached for my cell phone and flipped it open and began scrolling through the directory of contacts. That was the last thing I remembered until...
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