I'm back did ya miss me? Letang story is updated too!
"You miss me too."
I couldn't tell if it was a statement or a question.
"Yes, Sidney of course I miss you. I've missed you for the last three months," I said in a lower voice.
"Can we go somewhere and talk?"
I gave him a slight nod before turning to face Sam.
"Do you think you can stay out of trouble for a few minutes?"
"Trouble's my middle name babe!"
"You have been spending too much time with Talbot," I whispered quietly in his ear before kissing the top of his head.
That cheeky grin was his only response.
"See ya Sid! Thanks for coming to see me!"
"No problem Sam, I'll see you again soon okay?"
"OKAY!"
"I don't think you should be saying things like that unless you can back them up. It will break his heart when you don't show up again," I said through pursed lips as we left Sam's room.
"Who said I won't show up?"
"Well forgive me Sidney, but you don't have a very good track record."
"When I say I'm going to do something I do it."
"Except when it comes to me is that it?"
"Can we do this somewhere a little more private?"
"Right, wouldn't want to tarnish your golden reputation," I replied snidely. "In here," I ordered opening the door to the nurses lounge.
"No one will bother us in here, there's no one due for break for another 2 hours."
I poured us both a cup of coffee and sat across the table from Sidney.
"You wanted to talk so talk," I said.
He didn't know where to start. He'd been waiting a week to get this chance and now there were no words coming to him. It didn't help that Bekah was just staring at him with absolutely no sparkle in her eye. 'When did that go away?' he thought.
"Okay, I'll start," I said breaking the silence. "I don't think we have anything left to talk about Sidney. I've said everything I have to say."
"Well maybe I haven't. You're not the only one in this relationship Beks."
"You could have fooled me! I've been the only one in this relationship for months!"
"That's not fair."
"It may not be fair but it's a fact. Anything left to say will just be beating a dead horse."
"So that's it? You've said what you have to say and that's the end of it? You get to decide this relationship is over and I don't get a say?"
"What's the point? We've had this conversation more times than I can count and nothing ever changes. You say you know you screwed up and you just need a chance to prove yourself and then nothing. Nothing changes. You can't change."
"Beks, I know I haven't done a very good job at managing the hockey life and my personal life, but I can do better. I will do better."
"Why? Why now Sidney? You've been saying that you'll do better since we left Nova Scotia. Why should I believe you now?"
"Because I was taking you for granted before. I knew we loved each other and I just assumed that would be enough; that you loved me enough to stick with me. We've been through so much; you've been through so much to even let me in your life, I didn't think it would be so easy for you to throw it away."
"Easy! You think this was easy? I have been agonizing over this for two months! Every time you said you were coming over and then you didn't show up; every time we had plans and I sat waiting for hours because you got held up at a photo shoot or an interview or a charity thing. When I asked you to come and meet Sam and you couldn't just do it as a favour it had to be about business. Every time I've had to sit at home while the other wags got to attend team functions with their men because the world would come to an end if people knew you had a girlfriend. You think that's easy? Don't you dare tell me this was an easy decision. I still didn't throw in the towel after fighting about Thanksgiving. I tried the compromise - I told myself if you made any kind of effort, if you showed up just to decorate the tree, or if you showed up after dinner then maybe we had a chance; maybe I was some sort of priority for you. But you didn't. You had to wait until everyone was asleep before sneaking out of the house - That doesn't exactly scream 'you're important to me!' That was the last straw. I can't keep being the least important person in your life; it's not fair to me and it's not fair to you."
"But that's not the way it is - you are important to me. You are the only person I can really be myself around; the only one who gets me. You keep me sane when everything around me is out of my control. Do you have any idea how much I need that? How much I need you?"
"No, I don't! How would I? Oh right, maybe because of all the time we spend together. Or maybe because we talk so often. Oh no wait! I has to be because you actually tell me! When was the last time you told me you love me Sid?"
"Just now in Sam's room."
"And before that?"
"I tell you I love you all the time, every time we talk."
"September 27. That was the last time you actually said the words I love you to me. Ever since then I tell you I love you and your response is always the same: 'Yeah, me too babe.' How do you think that makes me feel?"
"I don't... I haven't...been doing that have I?"
"That's exactly what I mean. You don't even know what you've been doing Sidney. I know it's not what you want to hear, but let's just have the courage to say enough is enough. You have no room for me in your life and if there's anything I've learned from you it's not to settle for anything less than 100%. I think we need to just walk away before we end up hating each other."
Sidney got on his knees in front of me and held my hands. It was the first time I'd ever felt his hands be cold.
"I could never hate you," he whispered. "I know you don't believe me, but I love you, more than you could ever know. I know I haven't done a very good job at showing you or telling you, but I do, I love you and I know you love me. We can work through this. I don't want to lose you; I can't lose you."
His head was down in my lap and it didn't take a genius to figure out that the normally quiet and reserved Sidney was doing his best to keep his emotions on the same path, with little success. His sob took me by surprise more than it did him and once again I was feeling that tug at my heartstrings.
"Sidney, look at me."
His golden orbes looked up at me through tear soaked eyelashes, pleading with me not to say the words that he knew were coming.
"I do love you Sidney, and I know in your own way you love me too, but let's face it; love just isn't enough. We can't keep doing this to each other. I love you enough to know that I am not what's best for you right now, so I'm letting you go before we hurt each other anymore."
"No, this can't be the end Beks," he sobbed.
"It has to be Sidney."
He took a few moments to pull himself together before speaking again.
"What will you tell the boys?"
I was a little caught off guard by his question.
"The truth I guess."
"I want them to know that I love them and I will still be there for them any time they need me; they can call me anytime. I mean it, anytime."
"I will make sure they know that."
"I can't believe this is happening. How am I supposed to walk away from the best thing that ever happened to me?"
"Because it's the right thing to do."
"How does this work? I mean are we still friends, are we still going to talk, can I still call you sometimes?"
"Sidney, being just friends was never our strong suit. I think a clean break is best; no phone calls or anything like that."
"So I'm just supposed to pretend that we never happened?"
"No, not at all. There's so much I think we've learned from each other. I know I will hold onto that and I hope you do too. And maybe someday I'll be at the point where we can be friends and talk once in a while, but right now, I just need a clean break and time. I hope you can understand that. To offer anything more would just be too hard for me Sidney. I need time to heal."
"So that's it then?"
I nodded.
He turned to walk away from me for the last time, but stopped himself.
"For what it's worth, I am sorry."
"I know, me too," I whispered.
He took my face in his strong hands, now trembling and placed the sweetest kiss on my lips. When we parted his voice was barely above a whisper.
"I will never stop loving you Beks. Never."
And after entering my life over a year before like a lightening bolt, he exited like a gentle wind with barely enough strength to blow out a candle.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
FYI
Updates are coming soon to all 3 of my stories soon...I hope within the next week or so. Thank you all for being so patient and sticking with me. I write as a sort of therapy for myself and hopefully as entertainment for you. I can't thank y'all enough for reading and commenting; I love them and without you to read them, there would be no stories! Stay tuned...
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Chapter 114
An early Christmas gift my lovelies!
"Oh my god, what happened to you?"
"Your boyfriend happened. Actually his right hook. I didn't even know the kid knew how to throw a punch!"
"Come in so we can get some ice on it."
Max followed me to the kitchen so I could grab an ice pack and put it on his now very bruised eye. He winced when the ice went on and I couldn't tell if it was because of the cold or because he was in pain.
"I can't believe Sidney did this, Max I'm sorry."
"So I'm guessing that the talk didn't go so well?" he chuckled.
"You could say that. It's over Max. I ended it."
The silence was heavy in the room.
"Wow...I...don't really know what to say. For real? You and the kid are done?"
"Mmm hmm. I just can't do it anymore Max. Yesterday was it for me. I told myself if he came through and showed up, then he was making an effort and we could work it out. But he didn't. He couldn't even pick up the phone Max," I managed through my now free flowing tears.
"Come here bijou," Max said taking me in a comforting embrace. "This is not what you really want is it?" he questioned.
"I don't know Max."
"Well I do. You love him yes?"
"Of course I do."
"Then you should work it out. Frankly I'm a little surprised bijou, it's not like you to give up on something. You are not a quitter."
"I know what you're trying to do with this reverse psychology bullshit and it's not going to work. And I'm not the one who quit. Sidney quit on this relationship a long time ago. I'm not going to try and fight for something that isn't there and I'm certainly not going to be his doormat anymore. I've been down that road and I'm not going back."
"This is hardly the same thing and you know it. Sid would never hurt you like that."
"Physically no, but emotionally is it any different? You know what this relationship has bee like Max; what am I supposed to do, just let it keep going the way it is? That's not fair; to me, Sid, or the boys."
"No, it doesn't have to stay the same. Make him work for it. Maybe him thinking he has lost you will be enough to scare him and he'll pull his head out of his ass. I think he at least deserves the chance to prove himself. If you give him that chance and he still fails, then it's on him. At least you will know that you've done everything possible to make it work."
"Why are you defending him after he did that to your face?"
"I'm not defending him, I'm protecting you. I know you don't really want to end this bijou. I know how much you love him; and I think my black eye is proof of how much he loves you."
"Or how barbaric he is."
"Bijou?"
"I don't know. I didn't just decide this in a split second Max; I've given it alot of thought. It's all I've been thinking about. I just don't see a happy ending in our future."
*********************************
He knew it probably wasn't a good idea, but he had decided a week ago that this was going to be the day, and if you could say one thing about him it was that he did what he said he was going to do.
"What the hell are you doing here?"
"Hey Lily. I'm here to see..."
"Well don't bother. She doesn't want to see you. Besides, she's not here," Lily snarled.
"I know," he said solemnly. "She's made that pretty clear by not returning any of my phone calls or messages."
"What do you expect Crosby? You didn't leave her much of a choice."
"I don't know. I guess I expected her to at least give me a chance to redeem myself."
"Well, she hasn't really found anything redeeming about you lately."
"Trust me Lily, I don't need to get the gears from you too okay. I know I'm an ass and I know I screwed up, unfortunately I think it's too late to do anything about it."
Lily soaked in the pitiful sight before her and for a brief moment, almost felt sorry for him...almost.
"Well, you look like shit."
"How do you expect me to look when I just lost the only girl I've ever loved?" he said calmly.
"Honestly? I figured you'd just move on with being 'Sidney Crosby'. I didn't think not having Bekah around would phase you much; it's really no different then when you were together."
"Okay Lily, I get it. I don't need you rubbing salt in the wound; it hurts, trust me."
"Fine, no more jabs."
"Thank you," Sidney sighed.
He'd gotten raked over the coals by just about everyone in his life over the past seven days. Seven days, nine hours and thirty-six minutes to be exact. The team, the wags, Nat and Mario, his mother, all four Lemieux kids, Taylor, his mother, Nat, his mother, Mario, and Nat. The only ones who didn't tell him what an ass he was and how he really screwed up was his dad and Max. Neither of them talked to him at all. When he hadn't heard from Bekah, he even resorted to apologizing to Max and asking him if she was okay.
Max hadn't responded; just snickered and walked away and Sidney didn't really blame him. He sure had got himself into quite a mess, and he wasn't sure how he was going to get out.
"So if you're not here to see Bekah, what are you doing here?" Lily asked snapping him out of his self-loathing.
"Umm, before everything happened, I told myself when we got back from the road trip I was going to come and meet Sam, so here I am."
"Now you're going to use the kid to try and get Bekah back? That's kinda low Crosby."
"It's not about her. I said I was going to do it and I don't back out. I'm doing this for Sam and for me."
"Not sure I believe you but, whatever floats your boat."
"I don't want to upset her anymore, that's why I came when she wasn't here. So can you just tell me where to find him?"
She looked at him suspiciously, not sure if she should let this happen, but here extremely well hidden soft side took over.
"Down this hall, last door on the left."
"Thanks Lily, I appreciate it."
Lily half smiled and left in the opposite direction.
********************************
"Hey Sammy, how's my favourite quarterback do...." she stopped dead in her tracks as she rounded the corner into Sam's room.
"Sidney, what are you doing here?" she asked, her voice barely audible.
"He came to see me! Me Bekah! Sidney Crosby came here to see me and if I wasn't so excited I would be really really mad at you."
"Mad at me? Why?"
"Sidney Crosby is the secret boyfriend you've been keeping from me?"
"I umm, he's umm..."
"It's not her fault," Sidney interjected. "It's mine. I made her promise not to tell anyone, so you can be mad at me."
"I would never be mad at you, you're Sidney Crosby!" Sam exclaimed.
"Oh thanks alot! Who's the one taking care of you here?"
"I'm not really mad at you, I just can't believe that you are actually Sidney Crosby's girlfriend! That is so awesome!"
"Well, I'm not actually his girlfriend anymore Sam."
"What!" Sam shrieked. "Are you crazy? Why not?"
"Sam, that's grown up stuff; and besides, it's none of your business," I scolded.
"Actually bud, that's my fault again."
"Ahh man. What did you do? Did you cheat?"
"No. It's not really what I did, but what I didn't do."
"Did you hurt her?"
"No."
"Forget her birthday?"
"No," Sidney kind of chuckled.
"So if you didn't cheat, and you didn't hurt her, and you didn't forget her birthday, I don't get it. Why isn't he your boyfriend anymore," he now directed at me.
"I am not having this conversation with you Sam."
"Don't you love him anymore?"
His question took me by surprise and from the look on Sidney's face, it surprised him too. That look of surprise was replaced with one of anticipation soon after.
And there it was. The question of the hour. A million things went through my mind in a split second. 'Do I still love him?' 'What do I do? Tell the truth? Lie? Both of them would see right through a lie.
"It wasn't a trick question Bekah. Do you love the guy or what?"
There were very few people who could make my heart melt with just a look, but two such people were starring into my soul waiting for an answer.
"Yes Sam, I love him very much."
"Do you love her Sid?"
"More than anything," he answered quickly.
"More that scoring a game winning goal?"
"Yes."
"More that scoring a hat trick?"
"Yes.
"More than playing hockey period?"
"Let call that one a tie," he tried to joke.
"Then what's the problem? You love him and he loves you so..."
Sidney got up from the chair beside Sam's bed and walked over to where I was standing.
"I'm miserable Beks. I miss you so much," he said quietly.
Again, two pairs of melt-your-heart eyes starring at me; anticipating what I was going to say.
"I miss you too Sidney."
"Oh my god, what happened to you?"
"Your boyfriend happened. Actually his right hook. I didn't even know the kid knew how to throw a punch!"
"Come in so we can get some ice on it."
Max followed me to the kitchen so I could grab an ice pack and put it on his now very bruised eye. He winced when the ice went on and I couldn't tell if it was because of the cold or because he was in pain.
"I can't believe Sidney did this, Max I'm sorry."
"So I'm guessing that the talk didn't go so well?" he chuckled.
"You could say that. It's over Max. I ended it."
The silence was heavy in the room.
"Wow...I...don't really know what to say. For real? You and the kid are done?"
"Mmm hmm. I just can't do it anymore Max. Yesterday was it for me. I told myself if he came through and showed up, then he was making an effort and we could work it out. But he didn't. He couldn't even pick up the phone Max," I managed through my now free flowing tears.
"Come here bijou," Max said taking me in a comforting embrace. "This is not what you really want is it?" he questioned.
"I don't know Max."
"Well I do. You love him yes?"
"Of course I do."
"Then you should work it out. Frankly I'm a little surprised bijou, it's not like you to give up on something. You are not a quitter."
"I know what you're trying to do with this reverse psychology bullshit and it's not going to work. And I'm not the one who quit. Sidney quit on this relationship a long time ago. I'm not going to try and fight for something that isn't there and I'm certainly not going to be his doormat anymore. I've been down that road and I'm not going back."
"This is hardly the same thing and you know it. Sid would never hurt you like that."
"Physically no, but emotionally is it any different? You know what this relationship has bee like Max; what am I supposed to do, just let it keep going the way it is? That's not fair; to me, Sid, or the boys."
"No, it doesn't have to stay the same. Make him work for it. Maybe him thinking he has lost you will be enough to scare him and he'll pull his head out of his ass. I think he at least deserves the chance to prove himself. If you give him that chance and he still fails, then it's on him. At least you will know that you've done everything possible to make it work."
"Why are you defending him after he did that to your face?"
"I'm not defending him, I'm protecting you. I know you don't really want to end this bijou. I know how much you love him; and I think my black eye is proof of how much he loves you."
"Or how barbaric he is."
"Bijou?"
"I don't know. I didn't just decide this in a split second Max; I've given it alot of thought. It's all I've been thinking about. I just don't see a happy ending in our future."
*********************************
He knew it probably wasn't a good idea, but he had decided a week ago that this was going to be the day, and if you could say one thing about him it was that he did what he said he was going to do.
"What the hell are you doing here?"
"Hey Lily. I'm here to see..."
"Well don't bother. She doesn't want to see you. Besides, she's not here," Lily snarled.
"I know," he said solemnly. "She's made that pretty clear by not returning any of my phone calls or messages."
"What do you expect Crosby? You didn't leave her much of a choice."
"I don't know. I guess I expected her to at least give me a chance to redeem myself."
"Well, she hasn't really found anything redeeming about you lately."
"Trust me Lily, I don't need to get the gears from you too okay. I know I'm an ass and I know I screwed up, unfortunately I think it's too late to do anything about it."
Lily soaked in the pitiful sight before her and for a brief moment, almost felt sorry for him...almost.
"Well, you look like shit."
"How do you expect me to look when I just lost the only girl I've ever loved?" he said calmly.
"Honestly? I figured you'd just move on with being 'Sidney Crosby'. I didn't think not having Bekah around would phase you much; it's really no different then when you were together."
"Okay Lily, I get it. I don't need you rubbing salt in the wound; it hurts, trust me."
"Fine, no more jabs."
"Thank you," Sidney sighed.
He'd gotten raked over the coals by just about everyone in his life over the past seven days. Seven days, nine hours and thirty-six minutes to be exact. The team, the wags, Nat and Mario, his mother, all four Lemieux kids, Taylor, his mother, Nat, his mother, Mario, and Nat. The only ones who didn't tell him what an ass he was and how he really screwed up was his dad and Max. Neither of them talked to him at all. When he hadn't heard from Bekah, he even resorted to apologizing to Max and asking him if she was okay.
Max hadn't responded; just snickered and walked away and Sidney didn't really blame him. He sure had got himself into quite a mess, and he wasn't sure how he was going to get out.
"So if you're not here to see Bekah, what are you doing here?" Lily asked snapping him out of his self-loathing.
"Umm, before everything happened, I told myself when we got back from the road trip I was going to come and meet Sam, so here I am."
"Now you're going to use the kid to try and get Bekah back? That's kinda low Crosby."
"It's not about her. I said I was going to do it and I don't back out. I'm doing this for Sam and for me."
"Not sure I believe you but, whatever floats your boat."
"I don't want to upset her anymore, that's why I came when she wasn't here. So can you just tell me where to find him?"
She looked at him suspiciously, not sure if she should let this happen, but here extremely well hidden soft side took over.
"Down this hall, last door on the left."
"Thanks Lily, I appreciate it."
Lily half smiled and left in the opposite direction.
********************************
"Hey Sammy, how's my favourite quarterback do...." she stopped dead in her tracks as she rounded the corner into Sam's room.
"Sidney, what are you doing here?" she asked, her voice barely audible.
"He came to see me! Me Bekah! Sidney Crosby came here to see me and if I wasn't so excited I would be really really mad at you."
"Mad at me? Why?"
"Sidney Crosby is the secret boyfriend you've been keeping from me?"
"I umm, he's umm..."
"It's not her fault," Sidney interjected. "It's mine. I made her promise not to tell anyone, so you can be mad at me."
"I would never be mad at you, you're Sidney Crosby!" Sam exclaimed.
"Oh thanks alot! Who's the one taking care of you here?"
"I'm not really mad at you, I just can't believe that you are actually Sidney Crosby's girlfriend! That is so awesome!"
"Well, I'm not actually his girlfriend anymore Sam."
"What!" Sam shrieked. "Are you crazy? Why not?"
"Sam, that's grown up stuff; and besides, it's none of your business," I scolded.
"Actually bud, that's my fault again."
"Ahh man. What did you do? Did you cheat?"
"No. It's not really what I did, but what I didn't do."
"Did you hurt her?"
"No."
"Forget her birthday?"
"No," Sidney kind of chuckled.
"So if you didn't cheat, and you didn't hurt her, and you didn't forget her birthday, I don't get it. Why isn't he your boyfriend anymore," he now directed at me.
"I am not having this conversation with you Sam."
"Don't you love him anymore?"
His question took me by surprise and from the look on Sidney's face, it surprised him too. That look of surprise was replaced with one of anticipation soon after.
And there it was. The question of the hour. A million things went through my mind in a split second. 'Do I still love him?' 'What do I do? Tell the truth? Lie? Both of them would see right through a lie.
"It wasn't a trick question Bekah. Do you love the guy or what?"
There were very few people who could make my heart melt with just a look, but two such people were starring into my soul waiting for an answer.
"Yes Sam, I love him very much."
"Do you love her Sid?"
"More than anything," he answered quickly.
"More that scoring a game winning goal?"
"Yes."
"More that scoring a hat trick?"
"Yes.
"More than playing hockey period?"
"Let call that one a tie," he tried to joke.
"Then what's the problem? You love him and he loves you so..."
Sidney got up from the chair beside Sam's bed and walked over to where I was standing.
"I'm miserable Beks. I miss you so much," he said quietly.
Again, two pairs of melt-your-heart eyes starring at me; anticipating what I was going to say.
"I miss you too Sidney."
Monday, December 13, 2010
Chapter 113
The smell of coffee tickled my nose and I smiled without opening my eyes; that is until the body lying next to me moved.
"Bon matin bijou."
"Morning. I love that you're making me coffee Max, but it's still dark out. You could have waited a bit longer."
"Not me bijou, I thought you snuck out and made it."
We looked at each other for a moment before both getting out of bed and heading to the kitchen.
"If it wasn't either of us..." I whispered.
"Maybe one of the boys?"
"No both of them know they are not to touch any electrical appliances without me."
The question was answered when Max and I both appeared at the door to the dimly lit kitchen.
"Talbot, Bekah. Did you both sleep well?"
"Sid, what are you doing here?"
"What am I doing here?" he asked in a very high pitched voice. "I should be asking you that about him," he snarled and gave a nod towards Max.
"Oh I don't know...Max is actually the one who chose to spend the holiday with me."
"And that entitles him to sleep with you too?"
"Okay, now wait just a minute Sid. It's not like that and you know it. We fell asleep watching a movie," Max tried to defend.
"Save it Talbot. You need to leave so I can talk to MY girlfriend."
"Who the fuck do you think you are kicking Max out of MY house?" I asked much louder than I intended. "Max does not need to leave, maybe you do."
"Non bijou. I go. You two have much to talk about."
"Max no..."
"I will talk to you later. Give me a call if you need anything," he said sweetly as he kissed my forehead.
"She doesn't need anything from you Max," Sidney growled.
"What the fuck is your problem?" I sneered after the door had closed behind Max.
"Oh I don't know; maybe the fact that I come here last night to try and salvage some of the holiday with you and I find you in bed with Max!"
"Oh for God sakes Sidney, don't be so dramatic. You make it sound like you caught us having sex in your bed! We fell asleep watching a movie, we did nothing wrong."
"Yeah, our movie! Do you have any idea what it was like for me to walk in, hear our song playing and then seeing you wrapped up in his arms, not mine?"
"No I don't know what it was like for you because I never see you! I hardly talk to you anymore and you made it pretty clear by your abscence yesterday that I am not very high on your priority list, so why don't you take your possessive bullshit and blow it out your ass! You don't get to act like you give a damn about what I do; it's too late for that."
"Wh...what do you mean it's too late?" he questioned with a startled look on his face.
"I mean I'm done Sidney," I said quietly.
The words left my mouth before my brain had a chance to catch up.
"What do you mean 'done' Beks?"
"I mean I'm done. I can't wait around hoping you're going to have a few minutes to stop by and say hi; I can't be your punching bag when you've had a bad game, which by the way is practically the only time you call me anymore; I can't be at the mercy of your moods; and I'm not going to take a backseat to everything and everyone else in your life. I'm done; I can't do it anymore.
"Beks, please," Sidney said reaching for my hand across the table but I pulled it out of his reach, "I know I've been an ass lately; I haven't been around much and I've been moody, but I'm not going to lose you. I can't lose you, please Beks, let's just talk about this."
"Sidney, you lost me a long time ago and you've been too oblivious to notice. There is nothing to say that hasn't already been said. We talk about it and nothing ever changes."
"But it will. I was talking to Mario and he's made me see how big of an ass I've been. He also made me realize what I have to do to prove to you that you're important to me and I need to show you how much I love you; I can't just say the words, I have to show you with my actions."
"Well I'm glad Mario knows how to make a relationship work, but the fact that he had to tell you to do those things is just one more reason to throw in the towel. I've told you all that before Sid; I've told you exactly what I need from you and you haven't done any of it."
"I know I've disappointed you lately, alot, but please give me a chance to fix it."
"Sidney, I've given you chance after chance and every time there's just one more disappointment, one more excuse. I don't expect you to be at my beck and call; I know exactly what I signed up for getting into a relationship with you. I knew you were going to be away alot and I knew that you had alot of commitments that take priority over our relationship and I was okay with that. It's all the other little things. I asked you to take five minutes to meet Sam and that couldn't be worked into your schedule without coordinating it with your p r people. And you've changed. When is the last time to asked me how my day was? When is the last time you called me just to tell me you loved me? When is the last time you brought me a coffee on your way home to take your nap just so you could 'see my beautiful face' before you went to sleep? When is the last time you called me from the hotel just before you you went to bed so my voice was the last thing you heard? When is the last time we talked about anything other than your game or how bad the team is doing right now or how frustrated you are because you can't fix it all yourself? When is the last time you sent me flowers just because? You used to do all those things and now you don't. What changed?"
"I don't know, I mean you know I love you and I know that you love me."
"And you have not given me any reason to believe that that's still true. What about yesterday Sid? That was the final straw. You know how important Thanksgiving is to me and you still couldn't make an effort. No phone call, no nothing. You show up here in the middle of the night and you think that shows me I'm important?"
"I know I've screwed up and I've really let you down. I know what I have to do to make it up to you, I just need a chance to do it. Please Beks, don't throw away everything we have, everything that we've worked so hard to build. I love you Bekah, please let me show you how much."
I saw the tears in his gold flecked eyes and the sincerity deep within them. My heart ached for him, it really did, but it was not enough.
"I'm sorry Sidney," I said choking back my own tears. "I can't."
"Bon matin bijou."
"Morning. I love that you're making me coffee Max, but it's still dark out. You could have waited a bit longer."
"Not me bijou, I thought you snuck out and made it."
We looked at each other for a moment before both getting out of bed and heading to the kitchen.
"If it wasn't either of us..." I whispered.
"Maybe one of the boys?"
"No both of them know they are not to touch any electrical appliances without me."
The question was answered when Max and I both appeared at the door to the dimly lit kitchen.
"Talbot, Bekah. Did you both sleep well?"
"Sid, what are you doing here?"
"What am I doing here?" he asked in a very high pitched voice. "I should be asking you that about him," he snarled and gave a nod towards Max.
"Oh I don't know...Max is actually the one who chose to spend the holiday with me."
"And that entitles him to sleep with you too?"
"Okay, now wait just a minute Sid. It's not like that and you know it. We fell asleep watching a movie," Max tried to defend.
"Save it Talbot. You need to leave so I can talk to MY girlfriend."
"Who the fuck do you think you are kicking Max out of MY house?" I asked much louder than I intended. "Max does not need to leave, maybe you do."
"Non bijou. I go. You two have much to talk about."
"Max no..."
"I will talk to you later. Give me a call if you need anything," he said sweetly as he kissed my forehead.
"She doesn't need anything from you Max," Sidney growled.
"What the fuck is your problem?" I sneered after the door had closed behind Max.
"Oh I don't know; maybe the fact that I come here last night to try and salvage some of the holiday with you and I find you in bed with Max!"
"Oh for God sakes Sidney, don't be so dramatic. You make it sound like you caught us having sex in your bed! We fell asleep watching a movie, we did nothing wrong."
"Yeah, our movie! Do you have any idea what it was like for me to walk in, hear our song playing and then seeing you wrapped up in his arms, not mine?"
"No I don't know what it was like for you because I never see you! I hardly talk to you anymore and you made it pretty clear by your abscence yesterday that I am not very high on your priority list, so why don't you take your possessive bullshit and blow it out your ass! You don't get to act like you give a damn about what I do; it's too late for that."
"Wh...what do you mean it's too late?" he questioned with a startled look on his face.
"I mean I'm done Sidney," I said quietly.
The words left my mouth before my brain had a chance to catch up.
"What do you mean 'done' Beks?"
"I mean I'm done. I can't wait around hoping you're going to have a few minutes to stop by and say hi; I can't be your punching bag when you've had a bad game, which by the way is practically the only time you call me anymore; I can't be at the mercy of your moods; and I'm not going to take a backseat to everything and everyone else in your life. I'm done; I can't do it anymore.
"Beks, please," Sidney said reaching for my hand across the table but I pulled it out of his reach, "I know I've been an ass lately; I haven't been around much and I've been moody, but I'm not going to lose you. I can't lose you, please Beks, let's just talk about this."
"Sidney, you lost me a long time ago and you've been too oblivious to notice. There is nothing to say that hasn't already been said. We talk about it and nothing ever changes."
"But it will. I was talking to Mario and he's made me see how big of an ass I've been. He also made me realize what I have to do to prove to you that you're important to me and I need to show you how much I love you; I can't just say the words, I have to show you with my actions."
"Well I'm glad Mario knows how to make a relationship work, but the fact that he had to tell you to do those things is just one more reason to throw in the towel. I've told you all that before Sid; I've told you exactly what I need from you and you haven't done any of it."
"I know I've disappointed you lately, alot, but please give me a chance to fix it."
"Sidney, I've given you chance after chance and every time there's just one more disappointment, one more excuse. I don't expect you to be at my beck and call; I know exactly what I signed up for getting into a relationship with you. I knew you were going to be away alot and I knew that you had alot of commitments that take priority over our relationship and I was okay with that. It's all the other little things. I asked you to take five minutes to meet Sam and that couldn't be worked into your schedule without coordinating it with your p r people. And you've changed. When is the last time to asked me how my day was? When is the last time you called me just to tell me you loved me? When is the last time you brought me a coffee on your way home to take your nap just so you could 'see my beautiful face' before you went to sleep? When is the last time you called me from the hotel just before you you went to bed so my voice was the last thing you heard? When is the last time we talked about anything other than your game or how bad the team is doing right now or how frustrated you are because you can't fix it all yourself? When is the last time you sent me flowers just because? You used to do all those things and now you don't. What changed?"
"I don't know, I mean you know I love you and I know that you love me."
"And you have not given me any reason to believe that that's still true. What about yesterday Sid? That was the final straw. You know how important Thanksgiving is to me and you still couldn't make an effort. No phone call, no nothing. You show up here in the middle of the night and you think that shows me I'm important?"
"I know I've screwed up and I've really let you down. I know what I have to do to make it up to you, I just need a chance to do it. Please Beks, don't throw away everything we have, everything that we've worked so hard to build. I love you Bekah, please let me show you how much."
I saw the tears in his gold flecked eyes and the sincerity deep within them. My heart ached for him, it really did, but it was not enough.
"I'm sorry Sidney," I said choking back my own tears. "I can't."
Monday, November 15, 2010
Chapter 112
"There, that's the last box," Max said dropping the bulky box in the middle of the family room. "I can't believe you have this much stuff! It's going to take forever to put everything up!"
"Especially when you are as anal as Bekah and won't let anyone touch the tree," Lily piped up.
"Lily, be quiet!" I scolded. "Thank you Max. I appreciate you lugging up all those boxes."
"No problem bijou. I wouldn't want these delicate hands to do such hard work," he said kissing the back of my hand. "Besides, I wouldn't want you to hurt yourself before you feed me!"
"Always an ulterior motive with you Talbot," I said before digging into the first box. "Ohhhhhhhhhh, Lily look at these! They're Alex's little hand prints when he was a baby," I gushed.
"Sorry Talbot, I should have warned you that this would be a sappy walk down memory lane before you agreed to come," Lily teased.
"I don't mind," Max said, helping to dig more treasures out of the box. "It gives me more insight into what makes her tick.
"Trust me big boy, you will NEVER, be able to figure that one out," Lily laughed.
"Oh I don't' know about that. I think I'm doing a pretty good job so far," Max retorted.
I watched silently as my two very best friends in the world were having some friendly banter back and forth at my expense. They got along extremely well for both having the same type A personality. I couldn't remember a time in recent history that I felt this relaxed and content. This is exactly the kind of life; the gift really; that I've always wanted to give my children. A family to celebrate holidays with a make memories that would last a lifetime. Building traditions that they could pass down to their children when the time came. And that's what today was. This family of mine, as unconventional as it may be, was here making memories for Alex and Jake to keep with them always.
"Earth to Bekah...helloooooooooo, you in there?" Lily quipped as she waved her hand in front of my face.
"What? I'm just...watching. Look at them Lily. I just...I'm so..."
Lily linked her arm through mine and rested her head on my shoulder, looking at the same heartwarming scene I was watching. Max was holding Jake so he could hang his special ornaments from the garland on the mantel. Alex was standing next to them, leaning against Max's side and handing them more ornaments.
"This is what you've always wanted isn't it Beks? The picture perfect family life for the boys?" Lily said.
"Of course it is. I swore when I had children I would give them the kind of life that I never had; a mother and father who actually love each other and adore their children and put all their resources into giving them the best damn childhood possible. One where they have no worries and they can just be happy kids who play hockey and football and hang out with their friends. I wanted them to have two parents who wanted all that for them and felt like they were put here to make it all happen. And as much as I hate admitting that I'm not enough for the boys...look at them. Clearly they need more than I've been giving them. That right there is what I've waited the last twelve years to see."
"You are that kind of parent Beks. You are the best freaking mother I have ever met. You are all those things that you just described and more. I don't know anyone who has made more sacrifices for their children than you have so don't even go down that road, you hear me?
"Yeah, I hear you," I answered as I looked back towards the two loves of my life.
"I do have to admit, that is a very pretty picture. You should be happy sooooo, why do you look so sad?"
"I'm not sad, I'm just...it...it was supposed to be Sidney. It should be Sidney in there with them, not Max."
"Should it? Maybe someone is trying to tell you something. Maybe things are exactly the way they're supposed to be."
****************************************************
"Ughhhh, I feel disgusting," Max said collapsing on the couch.
"Me too," I said falling into the cushion beside him.
"Me three," Lily said from the chair across from us.
"I can't believe I ate that much. I'm gonna have to do at least 50 miles on the bike to work off that pie."
"I can't believe I have to go to work now," Lily said. "Maybe I can call in stuffed."
We all laughed and then cursed Lily for making us laugh with our full bellies.
"I should go or I'm going to be late. Thanks Beks, for that delicious feast; I'm sure I'll be cursing you when I'm running up and down the stairs later. Have fun decorating the tree."
"We will. Do you want me to bring you leftovers later?"
"Ughh, don't even mention food, I don't think I'm going to eat for a week!"
"Well I'll see you later anyways,"
"What? Why?"
"I'm going to visit Sam. I don't want him to be alone all night on Thanksgiving."
"Okay, I guess I'll see you later then. Talbot, it's been a pleasure as always."
"It has. You take it easy tonight eh. Don't work to hard."
"Me? Never. Night all."
Max was sprawled out on the couch with me cuddled up next to him. Jake was snuggled into his other side and Alex was snuggled up to me. I caught myself smiling until I thought about Lily's words. I mean, she couldn't be right could she? Of course not. This is not how it's supposed to be, I mean, after swearing off men for eternity, there's a reason that Sidney finally captured my heart right? I just can't forget everything I love about him; but I can't forget everything that pisses me off either.
"Bijou?"
"Mmm hmm?"
"Do you mind if I go to see Sam with you? I hate the thought of him all by himself."
"I'm sure he'd love to see you."
Max carried Jake into the house and put him in bed when we returned from the hospital. Alex was barely coherent but able to get himself to bed.
"Do you want me to tuck you in too bijou?"
"I'm a big girl, I think I can take care of myself."
"Oh I know you can, but everyone deserves to be taken care of once in a while. You took care of all of us today so let me return the favour. Why don't you go get ready for bed and I'll make you some tea."
I knew better than to argue with him, so I just smiled and did as I was told. I washed my face and put a pair of flannels on and crawled into bed. Max appeared a few minutes later with my cup of tea.
"Thank you. I'm freezing so hopefully this will warm me up a little."
"Come here," he said climbing in beside me but staying on top of the covers. I snuggled in next to him and let the heat from his body envelop my own.
"Wanna watch a movie?" he asked.
The sly smirk that appeared on my face told him what he was in for.
"Non, not that country shit," he protested. "Anything but that!"
"But Maxie, it's my favourite," I tried as I batted my eyelashes at him.
"I know and you've already made me watch it like a hundred times."
"Please Maxie?"
"You are incorrigible!"
"Yes but you're going to go put the movie in aren't you?"
"Yes," he grumbled.
*************************************************
I thought it was strange that there were no lights on at Bekah's when I arrived; it wasn't really that late, just after eleven. I let myself in with the key she had given me. I saw light from the TV coming from the bedroom so I headed in that direction.
As I got closer to the door, I heard a song that had been forever burned into my mind and smiled at the memories it brought back. Unfortunately, my smile was short lived when I saw what was waiting for me through the doorway. My heart sank when I saw my girlfriend asleep in the arms of my teammate.
"Especially when you are as anal as Bekah and won't let anyone touch the tree," Lily piped up.
"Lily, be quiet!" I scolded. "Thank you Max. I appreciate you lugging up all those boxes."
"No problem bijou. I wouldn't want these delicate hands to do such hard work," he said kissing the back of my hand. "Besides, I wouldn't want you to hurt yourself before you feed me!"
"Always an ulterior motive with you Talbot," I said before digging into the first box. "Ohhhhhhhhhh, Lily look at these! They're Alex's little hand prints when he was a baby," I gushed.
"Sorry Talbot, I should have warned you that this would be a sappy walk down memory lane before you agreed to come," Lily teased.
"I don't mind," Max said, helping to dig more treasures out of the box. "It gives me more insight into what makes her tick.
"Trust me big boy, you will NEVER, be able to figure that one out," Lily laughed.
"Oh I don't' know about that. I think I'm doing a pretty good job so far," Max retorted.
I watched silently as my two very best friends in the world were having some friendly banter back and forth at my expense. They got along extremely well for both having the same type A personality. I couldn't remember a time in recent history that I felt this relaxed and content. This is exactly the kind of life; the gift really; that I've always wanted to give my children. A family to celebrate holidays with a make memories that would last a lifetime. Building traditions that they could pass down to their children when the time came. And that's what today was. This family of mine, as unconventional as it may be, was here making memories for Alex and Jake to keep with them always.
"Earth to Bekah...helloooooooooo, you in there?" Lily quipped as she waved her hand in front of my face.
"What? I'm just...watching. Look at them Lily. I just...I'm so..."
Lily linked her arm through mine and rested her head on my shoulder, looking at the same heartwarming scene I was watching. Max was holding Jake so he could hang his special ornaments from the garland on the mantel. Alex was standing next to them, leaning against Max's side and handing them more ornaments.
"This is what you've always wanted isn't it Beks? The picture perfect family life for the boys?" Lily said.
"Of course it is. I swore when I had children I would give them the kind of life that I never had; a mother and father who actually love each other and adore their children and put all their resources into giving them the best damn childhood possible. One where they have no worries and they can just be happy kids who play hockey and football and hang out with their friends. I wanted them to have two parents who wanted all that for them and felt like they were put here to make it all happen. And as much as I hate admitting that I'm not enough for the boys...look at them. Clearly they need more than I've been giving them. That right there is what I've waited the last twelve years to see."
"You are that kind of parent Beks. You are the best freaking mother I have ever met. You are all those things that you just described and more. I don't know anyone who has made more sacrifices for their children than you have so don't even go down that road, you hear me?
"Yeah, I hear you," I answered as I looked back towards the two loves of my life.
"I do have to admit, that is a very pretty picture. You should be happy sooooo, why do you look so sad?"
"I'm not sad, I'm just...it...it was supposed to be Sidney. It should be Sidney in there with them, not Max."
"Should it? Maybe someone is trying to tell you something. Maybe things are exactly the way they're supposed to be."
****************************************************
"Ughhhh, I feel disgusting," Max said collapsing on the couch.
"Me too," I said falling into the cushion beside him.
"Me three," Lily said from the chair across from us.
"I can't believe I ate that much. I'm gonna have to do at least 50 miles on the bike to work off that pie."
"I can't believe I have to go to work now," Lily said. "Maybe I can call in stuffed."
We all laughed and then cursed Lily for making us laugh with our full bellies.
"I should go or I'm going to be late. Thanks Beks, for that delicious feast; I'm sure I'll be cursing you when I'm running up and down the stairs later. Have fun decorating the tree."
"We will. Do you want me to bring you leftovers later?"
"Ughh, don't even mention food, I don't think I'm going to eat for a week!"
"Well I'll see you later anyways,"
"What? Why?"
"I'm going to visit Sam. I don't want him to be alone all night on Thanksgiving."
"Okay, I guess I'll see you later then. Talbot, it's been a pleasure as always."
"It has. You take it easy tonight eh. Don't work to hard."
"Me? Never. Night all."
Max was sprawled out on the couch with me cuddled up next to him. Jake was snuggled into his other side and Alex was snuggled up to me. I caught myself smiling until I thought about Lily's words. I mean, she couldn't be right could she? Of course not. This is not how it's supposed to be, I mean, after swearing off men for eternity, there's a reason that Sidney finally captured my heart right? I just can't forget everything I love about him; but I can't forget everything that pisses me off either.
"Bijou?"
"Mmm hmm?"
"Do you mind if I go to see Sam with you? I hate the thought of him all by himself."
"I'm sure he'd love to see you."
Max carried Jake into the house and put him in bed when we returned from the hospital. Alex was barely coherent but able to get himself to bed.
"Do you want me to tuck you in too bijou?"
"I'm a big girl, I think I can take care of myself."
"Oh I know you can, but everyone deserves to be taken care of once in a while. You took care of all of us today so let me return the favour. Why don't you go get ready for bed and I'll make you some tea."
I knew better than to argue with him, so I just smiled and did as I was told. I washed my face and put a pair of flannels on and crawled into bed. Max appeared a few minutes later with my cup of tea.
"Thank you. I'm freezing so hopefully this will warm me up a little."
"Come here," he said climbing in beside me but staying on top of the covers. I snuggled in next to him and let the heat from his body envelop my own.
"Wanna watch a movie?" he asked.
The sly smirk that appeared on my face told him what he was in for.
"Non, not that country shit," he protested. "Anything but that!"
"But Maxie, it's my favourite," I tried as I batted my eyelashes at him.
"I know and you've already made me watch it like a hundred times."
"Please Maxie?"
"You are incorrigible!"
"Yes but you're going to go put the movie in aren't you?"
"Yes," he grumbled.
*************************************************
I thought it was strange that there were no lights on at Bekah's when I arrived; it wasn't really that late, just after eleven. I let myself in with the key she had given me. I saw light from the TV coming from the bedroom so I headed in that direction.
As I got closer to the door, I heard a song that had been forever burned into my mind and smiled at the memories it brought back. Unfortunately, my smile was short lived when I saw what was waiting for me through the doorway. My heart sank when I saw my girlfriend asleep in the arms of my teammate.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Chapter 111
----------Sidney's POV------------
"Good morning Sidney," Mario said without putting the morning paper down.
"Morning," Sidney grumbled. He went to the fridge, opened the door and saw all the food Nat had already prepared for tonight's feast. He groaned and shut the door without taking anything out; instead opting to grab a banana and sit down across from Mario at the counter.
"Sleep well?" Mario inquired, already knowing what the answer was.
"Not really."
Mario peered over the top of his paper at the young man he had come to think of as one of his own children. It pained him to see Sidney in obvious distress; even if it was only obvious to him.
"So the kids are happy to have Taylor here, but I think Austin is excited to have Alex and Jake with us. He's getting tired of being thee only boy around."
"They won't be coming," Sidney said quietly.
"Oh, I see. Do you want to talk about it?"
"No," he replied going back to the fridge and this time taking out a bottle of water. "I just don't get it. Most girls would be thrilled that you asked them to spend the holiday with your family, especially when you don't see that family very often."
"But Bekah is not most girls."
"No, no she isn't. She's knows I hardly ever get to see my family, why is she so angry that I want to spend Thanksgiving with them?"
Mario thought for a moment before speaking.
"Do you really want me to tell you? You might not like what you hear."
Sidney raised his eyebrow and hesitantly nodded his head.
"Walk me through the conversation you had with her."
"I just said that my family was coming for Thanksgiving and Nat was cooking and we all hoped that her and the boys would join us for dinner."
"A very warm, loving invitation from the boyfriend you haven't seen in what? Two weeks, maybe longer? And what was her reaction?"
"She said she wanted me to spend the day at her house and have dinner with them. She has this family tradition; they watch football, have dinner, and put up the Christmas tree. It's something she used to do with her Grandmother. I offered to compromise and have dinner here then go put up her tree but that wasn't good enough."
"I see. Don't take this the wrong way, but you're an idiot!"
"Hey!"
"I can't believe I have to explain this to you. Who was the most important person in Bekah's life?"
"Her brother and her Grandmother."
"If you know she has this family tradition that the most important person in her life started, why is this even an issue? You should be thankful that she wanted to include you in it."
"But Mom and Dad and Tay are here. I never get to see them anymore. She knows how important family is to me."
"And her family is important to her, whether they are still here or not. And when do you get to see her? You are in the same city and as far as I can tell, you don't see much of each other."
"I know but..."
"No buts! Do you love her?"
"Of course I do."
"I mean really love her, not just the idea of having someone there when you have a few minutes to spare; but really love her and the person she is?"
"I think so."
"You think so? Not good enough. You have to know."
"Well I've never been in love before but, she gets me ya know, and that's important."
"You're still not hearing me Sid. You can't even convince me that you love her, how are you supposed to convince her? Let your guard down, it's me and you here. Tell me how you feel about her; tell me how she makes you feel."
Sid closed his eyes and was quiet for a long time. He pictured the first time their eyes met and how it felt like a lightening bolt travelled through his body; the look on her face when he showed up at her house and she was baking enough cookies to feed the entire city of Pittsburgh. He saw the look of heartfelt sympathy in her eyes when she found him at the hospital scared out of his mind not knowing what was happening with Mario, and how beautiful she looked that same night in the parking lot with the snowflakes falling in her hair. Then he remembered how it had devastated him just after Christmas when she told him it was over; how he barely made it to the spot where they liked to go and watch the lights of the city before he broke down and cried. Then his trip down memory lane reminded him how he thought his heart was going to beat right out of his chest last New Year's Eve when she told him she loved him for the first time and how just this past summer he had become so overcome with emotion after making love to her for the first time.
"Yes, I love her Mario. She's amazing in every way. I can be myself when I'm with her and she doesn't judge me. All it takes to make her happy is something little like showing up with dinner after she's had a long day, and making her happy is all I want to do. She makes me want to be a better person, for her and the boys. How do I know I love her? Because my heart still skips a beat whenever I hear her voice, she takes my breath away whenever she walks into the room, and my heart melts when she smiles at me. She's the first person I think about when I wake up and the last person I want to see before I go to sleep. When I'm not with her, I feel incomplete and all I can think about is when am I going to see her again. That's how I know that I love her."
Sidney slumped back in his chair and ran his hand through his hair.
"And have you told Bekah this?"
"Umm...no."
"Maybe you should. You just said all you want to do is make her happy and all it takes to do that is something small; like making a trip to the hospital to make the day of a special patient?"
"How do you know about that?"
"Nat and Bekah talk Sid. She was very hurt when you didn't go. I want you to listen carefully. You can't just say a few nice words and expect her to believe them. The only way to prove that you love her, that she's important to you is to show her. That means going to the hospital to see that little boy. That means whatever is important to her becomes important to you. You make sacrifices for her, including embracing her family traditions. When two people come together and expecct to share a life together, they have to combine everything. When Nat and I got together we had to compromise on things like who's family we were going to spend the holidays with; especially after we had kids. Bekah has her own family, and inviting you to be part of it is a huge deal and you just blew it off like it wasn't important. That's a slap in the face to someone who makes so many sacrifices just to be with you. If you are serious about her and being part of her family, then you have to stop being so selfish. It's not all about you anymore Sidney; it's about this family that you're trying to create and if you don't pull your head out of your ass, it will be all about you because you will be alone."
Sidney was somewhat surprised by the ass chewing he just received from his mentor, but he was appreciative.
"Thanks Mario. You're absolutely right. I have been a complete jerk."
"Question is, what do you plan to do about it?"
"Good morning Sidney," Mario said without putting the morning paper down.
"Morning," Sidney grumbled. He went to the fridge, opened the door and saw all the food Nat had already prepared for tonight's feast. He groaned and shut the door without taking anything out; instead opting to grab a banana and sit down across from Mario at the counter.
"Sleep well?" Mario inquired, already knowing what the answer was.
"Not really."
Mario peered over the top of his paper at the young man he had come to think of as one of his own children. It pained him to see Sidney in obvious distress; even if it was only obvious to him.
"So the kids are happy to have Taylor here, but I think Austin is excited to have Alex and Jake with us. He's getting tired of being thee only boy around."
"They won't be coming," Sidney said quietly.
"Oh, I see. Do you want to talk about it?"
"No," he replied going back to the fridge and this time taking out a bottle of water. "I just don't get it. Most girls would be thrilled that you asked them to spend the holiday with your family, especially when you don't see that family very often."
"But Bekah is not most girls."
"No, no she isn't. She's knows I hardly ever get to see my family, why is she so angry that I want to spend Thanksgiving with them?"
Mario thought for a moment before speaking.
"Do you really want me to tell you? You might not like what you hear."
Sidney raised his eyebrow and hesitantly nodded his head.
"Walk me through the conversation you had with her."
"I just said that my family was coming for Thanksgiving and Nat was cooking and we all hoped that her and the boys would join us for dinner."
"A very warm, loving invitation from the boyfriend you haven't seen in what? Two weeks, maybe longer? And what was her reaction?"
"She said she wanted me to spend the day at her house and have dinner with them. She has this family tradition; they watch football, have dinner, and put up the Christmas tree. It's something she used to do with her Grandmother. I offered to compromise and have dinner here then go put up her tree but that wasn't good enough."
"I see. Don't take this the wrong way, but you're an idiot!"
"Hey!"
"I can't believe I have to explain this to you. Who was the most important person in Bekah's life?"
"Her brother and her Grandmother."
"If you know she has this family tradition that the most important person in her life started, why is this even an issue? You should be thankful that she wanted to include you in it."
"But Mom and Dad and Tay are here. I never get to see them anymore. She knows how important family is to me."
"And her family is important to her, whether they are still here or not. And when do you get to see her? You are in the same city and as far as I can tell, you don't see much of each other."
"I know but..."
"No buts! Do you love her?"
"Of course I do."
"I mean really love her, not just the idea of having someone there when you have a few minutes to spare; but really love her and the person she is?"
"I think so."
"You think so? Not good enough. You have to know."
"Well I've never been in love before but, she gets me ya know, and that's important."
"You're still not hearing me Sid. You can't even convince me that you love her, how are you supposed to convince her? Let your guard down, it's me and you here. Tell me how you feel about her; tell me how she makes you feel."
Sid closed his eyes and was quiet for a long time. He pictured the first time their eyes met and how it felt like a lightening bolt travelled through his body; the look on her face when he showed up at her house and she was baking enough cookies to feed the entire city of Pittsburgh. He saw the look of heartfelt sympathy in her eyes when she found him at the hospital scared out of his mind not knowing what was happening with Mario, and how beautiful she looked that same night in the parking lot with the snowflakes falling in her hair. Then he remembered how it had devastated him just after Christmas when she told him it was over; how he barely made it to the spot where they liked to go and watch the lights of the city before he broke down and cried. Then his trip down memory lane reminded him how he thought his heart was going to beat right out of his chest last New Year's Eve when she told him she loved him for the first time and how just this past summer he had become so overcome with emotion after making love to her for the first time.
"Yes, I love her Mario. She's amazing in every way. I can be myself when I'm with her and she doesn't judge me. All it takes to make her happy is something little like showing up with dinner after she's had a long day, and making her happy is all I want to do. She makes me want to be a better person, for her and the boys. How do I know I love her? Because my heart still skips a beat whenever I hear her voice, she takes my breath away whenever she walks into the room, and my heart melts when she smiles at me. She's the first person I think about when I wake up and the last person I want to see before I go to sleep. When I'm not with her, I feel incomplete and all I can think about is when am I going to see her again. That's how I know that I love her."
Sidney slumped back in his chair and ran his hand through his hair.
"And have you told Bekah this?"
"Umm...no."
"Maybe you should. You just said all you want to do is make her happy and all it takes to do that is something small; like making a trip to the hospital to make the day of a special patient?"
"How do you know about that?"
"Nat and Bekah talk Sid. She was very hurt when you didn't go. I want you to listen carefully. You can't just say a few nice words and expect her to believe them. The only way to prove that you love her, that she's important to you is to show her. That means going to the hospital to see that little boy. That means whatever is important to her becomes important to you. You make sacrifices for her, including embracing her family traditions. When two people come together and expecct to share a life together, they have to combine everything. When Nat and I got together we had to compromise on things like who's family we were going to spend the holidays with; especially after we had kids. Bekah has her own family, and inviting you to be part of it is a huge deal and you just blew it off like it wasn't important. That's a slap in the face to someone who makes so many sacrifices just to be with you. If you are serious about her and being part of her family, then you have to stop being so selfish. It's not all about you anymore Sidney; it's about this family that you're trying to create and if you don't pull your head out of your ass, it will be all about you because you will be alone."
Sidney was somewhat surprised by the ass chewing he just received from his mentor, but he was appreciative.
"Thanks Mario. You're absolutely right. I have been a complete jerk."
"Question is, what do you plan to do about it?"
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Chapter 110
Weeks had passed with no real change. I worked, took the boys to hockey and played the part of supportive girlfriend as best I could, but Sid wasn't making it easy. He played hockey, went to practice, made radio and television appearances, went to one commercial or photoshoot after another, attended every team function and served as babysitter to the Lemieux kids on occasion. He did make a conscious effort to take the time to make sure we talked every night but I could count the number of times I'd seen him in the last six weeks on one hand. And he still had made no attempt to see Sam in the hospital despite a few subtle reminders.
And then there was Max. Uncle Max was turning out to be the constant in our lives. He was there when the boys got home from school if I couldn't be; making dinner on occasion so we weren't eating at eight o'clock at night. He helped with homework and read bedtime stories; was a cheerleader at hockey games, but most of all he was just there. There for me and there for the boys.
"So how long are they gone for?" Lily asked one night as we settled in to watch the game on tv.
"10 days," I replied.
"Ouch, that's a long one! I don't know if I could handle being away from my man that long all the time."
"Lily, you can't handle keeping a man for that long let alone being away from him!"
"Point taken," she smiled as we clinked our wine glasses together. "But seriously, isn't it tough having Sid gone so much?"
"Honestly, it's really no different. I don't see him when he is home. I probably talk to him more when he's on the road because he doesn't go out with the guys; doesn't want to cause a scene you know," I said in my best snobby voice.
"And you're just okay with that?"
"What choice do I have Lil? This is his life and I knew that when I signed up. It was my choice and now I have to live with it."
"Oh my fucking God! Do you hear yourself right now? You're talking about choosing to be with Sid like it was choosing to get a ridiculous tattoo when you were younger - you have to live with it? Seriously Beks, of course you have a choice! If you're unhappy end it."
"Whoa, wait a minute, I never said I was unhappy. Dating Sid is not like dating some guy I picked up in a bar; it takes patience and sacrifice, but he's worth it."
"Is he? Forgive me Beks but I haven't heard anything since the end of summer that would make me think that he's worth it. Do I need to remind you about Sam?"
"No Lily, you do not," I said tersely. "I am fully aware that Sid has let me down on occasion..."
"And there's always a very sexy Frenchman waiting to pick up the pieces."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing, it's merely an observation."
"Max is my friend Lily, he understands what life with Sid is like."
"I have no doubt that he does, but just a friend? Are you sure, cause from where I'm sitting it sure seems like it's Max you're in a relationship with, not Sid. Not that I would blame you..."
"Lily! Why would you even say that? You know Max and I are just friends."
"No, I know that you think that you and Max are just friends, but are you sure that's the way he feels? Cause I gotta tell you Beks, he sure doesn't seem to mind playing the role of domestic bliss with you; and Sam? He visits him like every other day. Does Sid do any of that?"
"No. But that doesn't mean that Max has feelings for me."
"Tell yourself whatever you need to to get through the day, but I'm telling you straight up; Max Talbot is in love with you and you're to blind to see it."
Just then my phone rang and Lily looked at it to see the caller id. "Hmmmm bachelor number one," she said tossing me the phone.
I was still starring at Lily and no words were able to leave my mouth.
"Now would be a good time to say hello."
"Uh, hi Sidney."
"Hey beautiful, you okay, you sound funny?"
"No, I'm good, just tired. Great game tonight babe. You played really well."
"Thanks, everything just seemed to click tonight, it was nice for a change. Did you and the boys watch?"
"They watched the first period and that was about all they could manage so it was just me and Lily."
"Nice; you guys haven't been able to spend much time together lately. What's new with her? Or should I say who's the latest victim?" he chuckled.
"Sid, that's not very nice. She's good, and for your information, she is currently victimless."
"Hey, I heard that! Thanks alot dick!" she shouted so Sid could hear her.
"It comes from a place of love Lily, don't mind him. You're in an awfully good mood tonight. Any particular reason?"
"Nope, just happy. I had a great night, I'm talking to my beautiful girlfriend, what's not to be happy about?"
"Okay, now you're scaring me. Where's the real Sid?"
"Thanks alot! I don't know, I'm just in a good place right now. Maybe it's because by the time we get home it will be Thanksgiving and I'm looking forward to having the two days off. Speaking of which, my family is coming and we were all kind of hoping that you and the boys would join us at Mario's for Thanksgiving dinner."
"Like on the Thursday?"
"Well, yeah that is Thanksgiving."
"But you know I have our Thanksgiving tradition, we..."
"It's one day! And my family is coming. Can't you put your tree up on Friday or Saturday? You barely made it before Christmas last year."
"Yeah and that's because I had a ton of stuff going on last year. this year I'm more settled and I was hoping that maybe you'd join us this year since you actually have a day off."
"Ahh Beks, my family's only going to be here for a few days and you know I never get to see them."
"Yeah, I know exactly what that feels like. Look, why don't they come here for dinner, then you get to see them and be part of our tradition too?"
"Nat already has everything planned and I don't think it would be right to change plans at the last minute. I don't get why you just can't come and I'll help you put up the tree on Fiday?"
"It's not about putting up the tree, it's about the family tradition, MY family tradition, forgive me for wanting you to be a part of it!"
I think he sensed my anger and frustration because his tone changed from hostile to soft.
"Why don't we meet in the middle? You guys come to the Lemieux's for dinner and as soon as were done eating, we can go back to your house and do the tree?"
"So I am once again giving up what I want for what you want? You know damn well we won't get out of there right after dinner, and I wouldn't feel right doing that so I guess were at an impass."
"Come in Beks, we can compromise."
"I'm done 'compromising' with you Sidney. All that means is you get your way, and I'm not doing it; not this time. this is too important to me."
"And seeing my family that lives 2000 miles away is important to me," he said with a raised voice.
"Then you should see them. God knows you see them more than you see me and we live in the same fucking city!"
"That's bullshit and you know it!"
"Do I? Three times Sidney; I've seen you exactly three times in the last six and a half weeks. Last time I checked your dad was just here two weeks ago for a week."
"But my mom and Taylor weren't here."
"I am so done with this conversation. You spend Thanksgiving with your family and I'll spend Thanksgiving with my family. There; settled. Goodbye Sidney," and I hung up the phone.
"That went well," Lily said trying to lighten the mood.
"Not now Lily."
And as my blood still boiled the phone rang again.
"I don't want to fight with you anymore Sid, just leave me alone..."
"Bijou? Fighting? What's going on?"
"Nothing Max. It's nothing, I don't really want to talk about it right now."
"If you and Sid are fighting it might help to talk about it?"
"I'm done talking about it. I don't want to talk about it. As far as I' concerned it's resolved."
"Okay, I won't push, but if you want to talk or if you need anything you'll come to me right?"
I was silent for a moment. "Maxie... what are you doing for Thanksgiving?"
And then there was Max. Uncle Max was turning out to be the constant in our lives. He was there when the boys got home from school if I couldn't be; making dinner on occasion so we weren't eating at eight o'clock at night. He helped with homework and read bedtime stories; was a cheerleader at hockey games, but most of all he was just there. There for me and there for the boys.
"So how long are they gone for?" Lily asked one night as we settled in to watch the game on tv.
"10 days," I replied.
"Ouch, that's a long one! I don't know if I could handle being away from my man that long all the time."
"Lily, you can't handle keeping a man for that long let alone being away from him!"
"Point taken," she smiled as we clinked our wine glasses together. "But seriously, isn't it tough having Sid gone so much?"
"Honestly, it's really no different. I don't see him when he is home. I probably talk to him more when he's on the road because he doesn't go out with the guys; doesn't want to cause a scene you know," I said in my best snobby voice.
"And you're just okay with that?"
"What choice do I have Lil? This is his life and I knew that when I signed up. It was my choice and now I have to live with it."
"Oh my fucking God! Do you hear yourself right now? You're talking about choosing to be with Sid like it was choosing to get a ridiculous tattoo when you were younger - you have to live with it? Seriously Beks, of course you have a choice! If you're unhappy end it."
"Whoa, wait a minute, I never said I was unhappy. Dating Sid is not like dating some guy I picked up in a bar; it takes patience and sacrifice, but he's worth it."
"Is he? Forgive me Beks but I haven't heard anything since the end of summer that would make me think that he's worth it. Do I need to remind you about Sam?"
"No Lily, you do not," I said tersely. "I am fully aware that Sid has let me down on occasion..."
"And there's always a very sexy Frenchman waiting to pick up the pieces."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing, it's merely an observation."
"Max is my friend Lily, he understands what life with Sid is like."
"I have no doubt that he does, but just a friend? Are you sure, cause from where I'm sitting it sure seems like it's Max you're in a relationship with, not Sid. Not that I would blame you..."
"Lily! Why would you even say that? You know Max and I are just friends."
"No, I know that you think that you and Max are just friends, but are you sure that's the way he feels? Cause I gotta tell you Beks, he sure doesn't seem to mind playing the role of domestic bliss with you; and Sam? He visits him like every other day. Does Sid do any of that?"
"No. But that doesn't mean that Max has feelings for me."
"Tell yourself whatever you need to to get through the day, but I'm telling you straight up; Max Talbot is in love with you and you're to blind to see it."
Just then my phone rang and Lily looked at it to see the caller id. "Hmmmm bachelor number one," she said tossing me the phone.
I was still starring at Lily and no words were able to leave my mouth.
"Now would be a good time to say hello."
"Uh, hi Sidney."
"Hey beautiful, you okay, you sound funny?"
"No, I'm good, just tired. Great game tonight babe. You played really well."
"Thanks, everything just seemed to click tonight, it was nice for a change. Did you and the boys watch?"
"They watched the first period and that was about all they could manage so it was just me and Lily."
"Nice; you guys haven't been able to spend much time together lately. What's new with her? Or should I say who's the latest victim?" he chuckled.
"Sid, that's not very nice. She's good, and for your information, she is currently victimless."
"Hey, I heard that! Thanks alot dick!" she shouted so Sid could hear her.
"It comes from a place of love Lily, don't mind him. You're in an awfully good mood tonight. Any particular reason?"
"Nope, just happy. I had a great night, I'm talking to my beautiful girlfriend, what's not to be happy about?"
"Okay, now you're scaring me. Where's the real Sid?"
"Thanks alot! I don't know, I'm just in a good place right now. Maybe it's because by the time we get home it will be Thanksgiving and I'm looking forward to having the two days off. Speaking of which, my family is coming and we were all kind of hoping that you and the boys would join us at Mario's for Thanksgiving dinner."
"Like on the Thursday?"
"Well, yeah that is Thanksgiving."
"But you know I have our Thanksgiving tradition, we..."
"It's one day! And my family is coming. Can't you put your tree up on Friday or Saturday? You barely made it before Christmas last year."
"Yeah and that's because I had a ton of stuff going on last year. this year I'm more settled and I was hoping that maybe you'd join us this year since you actually have a day off."
"Ahh Beks, my family's only going to be here for a few days and you know I never get to see them."
"Yeah, I know exactly what that feels like. Look, why don't they come here for dinner, then you get to see them and be part of our tradition too?"
"Nat already has everything planned and I don't think it would be right to change plans at the last minute. I don't get why you just can't come and I'll help you put up the tree on Fiday?"
"It's not about putting up the tree, it's about the family tradition, MY family tradition, forgive me for wanting you to be a part of it!"
I think he sensed my anger and frustration because his tone changed from hostile to soft.
"Why don't we meet in the middle? You guys come to the Lemieux's for dinner and as soon as were done eating, we can go back to your house and do the tree?"
"So I am once again giving up what I want for what you want? You know damn well we won't get out of there right after dinner, and I wouldn't feel right doing that so I guess were at an impass."
"Come in Beks, we can compromise."
"I'm done 'compromising' with you Sidney. All that means is you get your way, and I'm not doing it; not this time. this is too important to me."
"And seeing my family that lives 2000 miles away is important to me," he said with a raised voice.
"Then you should see them. God knows you see them more than you see me and we live in the same fucking city!"
"That's bullshit and you know it!"
"Do I? Three times Sidney; I've seen you exactly three times in the last six and a half weeks. Last time I checked your dad was just here two weeks ago for a week."
"But my mom and Taylor weren't here."
"I am so done with this conversation. You spend Thanksgiving with your family and I'll spend Thanksgiving with my family. There; settled. Goodbye Sidney," and I hung up the phone.
"That went well," Lily said trying to lighten the mood.
"Not now Lily."
And as my blood still boiled the phone rang again.
"I don't want to fight with you anymore Sid, just leave me alone..."
"Bijou? Fighting? What's going on?"
"Nothing Max. It's nothing, I don't really want to talk about it right now."
"If you and Sid are fighting it might help to talk about it?"
"I'm done talking about it. I don't want to talk about it. As far as I' concerned it's resolved."
"Okay, I won't push, but if you want to talk or if you need anything you'll come to me right?"
I was silent for a moment. "Maxie... what are you doing for Thanksgiving?"
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Happy Birthday Mr. Sid!!!!
I am up to my eyeballs in final projects and exams until the 17th and planning my own birthday bash, but I could not let this day go by without paying tribute to the man who has captured so many of our hearts.
Sidney Patrick Crosby graced the world with his presence 23 years ago today. Who knew back then that he would give us so many special gifts; the Stanley Cup back in Pittsburgh, the Olympic gold medal (sorry all you fans from other countries :()and just the sheer pleasure of letting us all admire his pure awesomeness and beauty.
Sid, I would not want to be in your shoes for all the money in the world. To have the weight of a franchise, a league, and a nation on your shoulders at such a young age was and is a daunting task and you have handled it with the utmost grace and dignity. Everyone is human and makes mistakes and you are no exception; what you are however is an exceptional leader and role model because your expectations are high, but never more than you expect from yourself. You lead quietly by example and inspire those around you to be better. One of the signs of a great leader is to learn from your mistakes and become better because of them, whether it be as a player or as a human being and you have shown time and time again your ability to do just that.
Trina and Troy, thank you for blessing us all with the gift of your amazing son. I can only imagine how proud you must be that the boy you raised has turned into such an incredible young man.
Sidney, my birthday wish for you is that you find inner peace, true love, and pure happiness. After everything you have given to the world, you deserve it!
Happy birthday Sidney!
xoxo
~B~
And FYI...updates for all 3 stories will be coming soon, if not before, definitely when the brain drain of this semester is over!
Sidney Patrick Crosby graced the world with his presence 23 years ago today. Who knew back then that he would give us so many special gifts; the Stanley Cup back in Pittsburgh, the Olympic gold medal (sorry all you fans from other countries :()and just the sheer pleasure of letting us all admire his pure awesomeness and beauty.
Sid, I would not want to be in your shoes for all the money in the world. To have the weight of a franchise, a league, and a nation on your shoulders at such a young age was and is a daunting task and you have handled it with the utmost grace and dignity. Everyone is human and makes mistakes and you are no exception; what you are however is an exceptional leader and role model because your expectations are high, but never more than you expect from yourself. You lead quietly by example and inspire those around you to be better. One of the signs of a great leader is to learn from your mistakes and become better because of them, whether it be as a player or as a human being and you have shown time and time again your ability to do just that.
Trina and Troy, thank you for blessing us all with the gift of your amazing son. I can only imagine how proud you must be that the boy you raised has turned into such an incredible young man.
Sidney, my birthday wish for you is that you find inner peace, true love, and pure happiness. After everything you have given to the world, you deserve it!
Happy birthday Sidney!
xoxo
~B~
And FYI...updates for all 3 stories will be coming soon, if not before, definitely when the brain drain of this semester is over!
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