Chapter 69

By the time I walked through the door in the morning, I wasn't sure how I was going to make it through breakfast without falling asleep. I looked at my watch; 6:40. Enough time to take a quick shower to rid myself of that hospital smell and hopefully rejuvenate a little.
I let the hot water flow over my shoulders and run down my back, relaxing my tired muscles. I lathered my hair with my favourite tangerine shampoo and did a quick scrub with the pomegranate body wash Lily got me hooked on. I could have stayed in there for at least another hour but the sound of Jake and Alex stomping down the hallway quickly brought that fantasy to an end. I turned the water off and quickly dried off and threw on my favourite penguin pyjama bottoms and a t-shirt, wondering if I had time to throw a little make up on before Sid got there.
The sound of the boys squealing Sidney's name answered that question for me.
"Sidneeeeeeey!" I heard as I came around the corner just in time to see Alex give Sid a high five and Jake wrap himself around Sid's leg.
"Wow! That's quite a greeting," Sid chuckled as he pried Jake of his leg and lifted him up so he could give him a proper hug.
"We haven't seen you in like, forever!" Jake said enthusiastically. "Wait, what are you doing here so early?"
Lily came out of the spare bedroom and down the hallway to join me in watching this heartwarming scene unfold.
"Well, I just got back from my road trip last night and the first thing I wanted to do was come and see you guys."
"Cool! Mom had to work last night so Aunt Lily's here with us."
"Actually, we're both here now," I said as we appeared from our 'hiding' spot.
"Okay, come here rug rats. Give your Aunt Lil a hug and kiss goodbye."
"Oh man, do we have to?" was the universal response.
"Only if you ever want me to let you stay up late or read you bedtime stories again."
"Fine."
"Aren't you going to stay for breakfast?" I asked.
"Can't, gotta run. My shift starts in half an hour."
"Thanks for staying with the boys last night," I said walking her to the door and giving her a hug.
"No problem. It's not like I have any other men in my life anyways! I'll call you later," she said giving me that knowing look."
"Bye Sidney," she said as she walked out the door.
"Bye Lily, good to see you again," he replied politely.
"Alright troops," I said. "Breakfast. What does everyone want?"
"Scrambled eggs," Jake said climbing onto a stool at the counter.
"No way, eggs are gross!" Alex replied sitting next to his brother. "Pancakes."
"Scrambled eggs!"
"Pancakes."
"Scrambled eggs!"
"Pancakes!"
"Alright you two that's enough." I looked over at Sid to see him laughing hysterically at what was happening. "Why don't we let our guest decide. Sid, what'll it be, scrambled eggs or pancakes?" I asked.
He looked at both boys who were each looking at him with pleading eyes. Not wanting to choose one over the other, he sheepishly answered "French toast?"
The three of us just looked at him.
"What? French toast is one of favourites!"
"Thanks for the help, " I said giving him a playful punch in the stomach. "That's it. Cereal for everybody!" I said turning around and opening the cereal cupboard.
"But Mom!!!" not two but three voices rang out in unison.
"I am not but mom! You two have half and hour to go watch tv, so scram!"
"K!"
"And you, mister are absolutely no help!" I said poking him in the arm.
"How am I supposed to pick between those two adorable faces?" he asked wrapping me in a hug.
"You smell amazing," he whispered into my neck. "There's just one problem."
"What's that?" I asked pulling out of his strong grip.
"That shirt. You have to lose the shirt!"
"What's wrong with it?" I questioned looking down at my black t-shirt and not seeing anything wrong.
"It's Nike."
Okay, now I was really confused.
"What's wrong with Nike?"
"Seriously?" he laughed. "Look at me."
"I am looking at you."
"Notice anything?"
I looked him up and down. What the hell was he talking about?"
"Nope."
"Look at what I'm wearing."
I took another look, this time paying attention to what was covering that amazing body of his. Hat-Reebok. T-shirt-Reebok. Warm up suit-Reebok. Socks-Reebok.
I smiled at him. "Is your underwear Reebok too?" I laughed.
"Why don't you come here and find out," he said wrapping his arms around my waist again.
"Sidney! What happened to playing it cool in front of the kids?" I asked playfully hitting him.
"They're busy watching tv, besides you're driving me crazy!" he said kissing my neck.
"If this is the way it's going to be, you won't be allowed over here," I said trying to pull away.
"Come on, just one little kiss? Pleeeeeeeeeease?"
Damn those puppy dog eyes!
"One, that's it! Then I have to make breakfast, before it's lunch time."
"Better make it a good one then," he said before pulling me in close to him.
He was so strong, he moved me around like a rag doll. He slid his fingers up into my still damp hair and pulled my face in close to his, pausing and looking directly into my eyes. Before I knew what was happening, his lips were on mine, gently at first, then slowly, his tongue parted my lips. I grabbed on to both of his wrists for no other reason but to keep myself from falling. Warmly and sweetly, the kiss continued as I let him take complete control. Our tongues intertwined with one another like they were meant to be one. And when it was finally coming to an end, he took each one of my lips in between his; first the top one, gently caressing it with his tongue; then the bottom one, gently sucking on it before placing one final sweet kiss on them.
As he pulled away, I still had hold of his wrists and I stumbled forward when I didn't have his body right in front of me to support my weight.
"Are you okay?" he whispered in my ear as he caught me.
With my eyes still closed, I barely managed a "mmm hmm"
He rested his forehead against mine. "Wow," he whispered.
I was silent.
"I've never kissed anyone like that before," he said softly as he lifted my chin so I would look at him. "Never," he repeated looking into my eyes.
"Me either," were the only words I could manage.
"Mom, is breakfast ready yet, I'm starving?" came bellowing through the house.
SNAP! Right back to reality!
We both jumped back but were relieved when there was no body that came into the kitchen to accompany the question.
"A few more minutes," I yelled back.
I looked at Sidney and we both kind of chuckled. "Guess I better get to work," I said turning to get some pans out of the cupboard.
"Guess you'd better," he replied giving me a gentle tap on the butt.

After Jake had his scrambled eggs, Alex had his pancakes, Sid had his french toast and I had a bit of everything, the boys got dressed for school and Sid helped me with the dishes that couldn't go in the dishwasher.
"That was amazing," he complimented as he dried the last pan. "And I can't believe you had real maple syrup!"
"Of course I have real maple syrup, I'm Canadian too remember!"
"I always knew it'd be a good old Canadian girl I fell in love with," he said smiling at me.
"Who you calling old?" I asked hitting him in the butt with a rolled up dish towel.
"Oh you did not just rat tail me!"
"Oh yes I did. Whatcha gonna do about it rookie?"
"Is that a challenge?"
"It sure is."
"Oh it's on now!" he said twisting his towel as tightly as he could.
"Are you sure you want to do this Crosby? I am the undefeated champion of the rat tail snap."
"Oh you are so going down Jones!'
"Bring it on!" I said twisting my towel until I couldn't twist anymore.
We stood almost like we were about to take a face off.
He took a swipe at me and I slid out of the way before he was able to make contact.
"Nice try," I said as I quickly snapped my towel and got him on the bare arm.
"Owe! Shit that hurt!" he said rubbing his arm.
"Hey, watch your language!" I said as I gave him another quick snap on the hand."
"Owe! Sorry. No fair!"
"No fair? What do you mean no fair?"
"You can't strike again until I'm ready."
"What kind of pansy ass rule is that?" I asked getting my towel ready again.
"Hey, hey, hey language!" He said taking a snap at me and missing.
I caught him a few more times before he started getting really pissed.
"Ah, poor baby! You're not gonna get beat by a girl again are you?"
"That's it!" he said and before I knew it he was coming right at me.
I took off around the breakfast bar and back into the kitchen taking refuge behind one of the stools. No use. He kept coming and this time caught me in the butt before scooping me up in his arms and twirling me around in circles until I couldn't see straight.
"Say I'm the new champion and I'll put you down," he said still spinning around.
I was laughing so hard I could barely breathe.
"Never."
"Say it," he said starting to turn faster.
"No way," I squealed closing my eyes.
"Say it. Say 'Sid you are the champion. You're my hero.'"
"Not a chance!"
"What the heck are you guys doing?"
Alex's voice startled Sidney and we both fell to the floor laughing hysterically. When the room finally stopped spinning, we both looked up to see the boys looking at us like we were out of our minds.
"We were having a rat tail fight," Sid answered breathlessly.
"A what?" Jake asked.
"And you think we're the kids," Alex said.
Sid and I looked at each other before breaking out into laughter again. When we were able to catch our breath, we saw both boys shaking their heads.
"Can we go to school now?" Alex huffed.
Sid offered me his hand to help me up off the floor. I looked at him and he looked at me and we both knew what each other was thinking. In one swift motion Sid picked up Alex and I picked up Jake and we started spinning around in circles and tickling them. All four of us fell into a heap on the kitchen floor. When I looked at the boys, each of them were laughing and smiling like I hadn't seen them do in quite a while.

Chapter 68

Sid followed me down the hall to an empty room. It was cold and dark with nothing but the moonlight shining through the window. I walked over to the window and just stared at the snow that was gently falling. I crossed my arms in front of me in a weak attempt to stay warm. We stood in silence for what seemed like eternity. He was close enough to me that I could feel the heat radiating from his body, and when it sent a shiver through me, he instinctively wrapped his arms around me. Every tense muscle in my body relaxed and I gave in and leaned back against him.
"It was a night just like this," he whispered in my ear. "Do you remember that night in the parking lot at the hospital?"
"Of course I do. That was the night you so gracefully fell on your ass." I replied quietly.
"That's the night I fell in love with you," his meek voice uttered before he gently kissed my neck.
I closed my eyes and took in every sensation my body was feeling at that moment. I turned to face him and when I opened my mouth to speak, he held his finger over my lips stopping any sound from coming out.
"Beks, I was an ass," he said as he softly rested his forehead against mine. "I was angry and frustrated and I had no right to talk to you the way I did. I am sorry. I missed you."
His grip tightened around me. Who did he think he was? Did he think an 'I'm sorry' wrapped up in a nice little package with a pretty bow was going to make everything alright? I could feel the anger that had momentarily disappeared return. As I looked up at him to speak, the moonlight was shining in his eyes which made them an even more intense caramel colour. Oh who was I kidding? There was no way I could stay mad at this gorgeous creature!
"I missed you too," I managed to whisper before his lips met mine. His masculine upper body and strong arms enveloped me as his lips continued to caress mine. His tongue found mine to dance with; slowly,expertly, and gently, sending surges of euphoric sensations through my entire body.
'Get a hold of yourself,' I screamed in my head as I broke free from his embrace.
"Sidney, this is probably one of the most perfect moments I've ever experienced," I started.
"And I want to give you many more," he said through that crooked little grin of his.
"Please let me finish Sidney. I can't even begin to imagine the kind of pressure you're under and the circus that you have to live with every day, but when you have a bad day, or a bad game, you have to find a better way to deal with it. You can't lash out at me or whoever else might be around."
"I know. I can't say I'm sorry enough. But everyone has a breaking point Beks, and that kind of blatant unfair treatment pushed me over the edge."
"And that's exactly what Kovalchuk wanted. You are the most talked about, hyped up, marketed guy in the league right now and unfortunately that makes you a target. Everyone is going to try and push your buttons and bring you down to see how you react; to show you're not perfect like everyone's making you out to be. Tonight you proved them right. You behaved badly during the game and even worse after. Kovlachuk is probably sitting at home right now proud as a peacock that he got under your skin. The only way you'll ever get them to stop is to show them that you're better; that it doesn't bother you and just go on playing your game. I know this is your job, and you love the game more than anything, but you have to remember one thing. When all is said and done, it is just a game. You have to leave what happens on the ice, on the ice."
There was a long pause and I was a little scared when for once I could read the expression on his face.
"How did you get to be so smart?" he finally said wrapping me in another hug.
"It's a curse," I smiled as I turned him around and marched him towards the door. "Now go home and get some sleep so I can get back to work."
"Is my beautiful girlfriend available for breakfast in the morning?"
"She is, but you are not. You will be sleeping."
"I have an off day tomorrow, I have all day to sleep."
"You never have an off day. You always have some interview or photo shoot or commercial to make."
"I only have two interviews and they're both phone interviews and both in the afternoon, so what's your next excuse champ?"
"I have to get the boys ready and take them to school in the morning."
"Perfect! I haven't seen them since before New Year's. I'll come by when you're done work and we can all have breakfast together. Then WE can take them to school."
"We can, can we?"
"Yes. No arguments. End of discussion."
"Fine. I'll be home just after 7."
"Fine. I'll be there," he said before giving me a kiss as I pushed him out the door.

Chapter 67

It was 2:30 am - just about half way through my shift when I left Dylan's room. He had just started another round of chemo and was having a rough night. I tried to spend as much time with him as possible. I was drawn to him. I looked in his eyes and saw my own kids. It made me thank god every day that both my boys were healthy and happy. Thank god. That's exactly what I needed right now.

"Hey Darlene, I'm taking my break now. I'll be down in the chapel. Page me if Dylan wakes up."
"Sure thing doll, but is everything okay?" my lovely elder co-worker questioned.
"Yeah, everything's fine why?"
"You only go to the chapel when something is really bothering you."
"I'm fine. I just need the solitude."
"You'll certainly get it this time of night!"
"See you in thirty Dar."

The elevator ride down the 8 floors to get to the chapel seemed to take alot longer than usual. Long enough for the conversation I had with Sidney earlier to rear it's ugly head again.

"It's fucking bullshit!" he yelled into the phone. "That asshole fucking hit me from behind and never got a penalty! He slashes me; and no fucking penalty! I shove him and I get fucking 2 minutes. Shithead scores; rubs it in my face and doesn't even get an unsportsmanlike! What the fuck?"
"Gee Sid, think you could have squeezed a few more curse words in for good measure?"
"For fuck sakes Bekah, I am really not in the mood for your fucking sarcasm right now."
"DO NOT speak to me that way," I said through clenched teeth. "The game is over. You lost. So the calls didn't go your way tonight. I am not the referee so don't take your anger out on me."
"I am not taking it out on you. I'm venting my frustration to my girlfriend. You know, the one who's supposed to support me through good times and bad. You do know what supportive means don't you?"
"Fuck you Crosby! I don't need this crap right now. I'm going to work. When you're ready to have a grown up conversation, give me a call." and I slammed the phone down.

I walked into the chapel and took a seat at the front. The only light was from the candles that burned to my left. I took a deep breath and let my eyes close as I exhaled, trying to blow away all the negative energy I was feeling. I questioned many things in life, but right now the only question running through my mind was 'What am I doing with Sidney?' I had never heard him as angry as he was earlier. I understood why, but what I didn't understand is why he was talking to me the way he did. Was it going to be like this every time he lost or calls didn't go his way? If so, I did not sign up for this.
I tried to push Sidney out of my head and let my thoughts wander back to Dylan. That poor angel lying upstairs was so young; so innocent. He didn't deserve to have cancer. He didn't deserve to be fighting for his life, a life that hasn't even been lived yet.
As tears formed in my eyes, my thoughts drifted to David. I missed him so much. The way he smiled at me whenever I walked into the room; the way he always cocked his head to the left whenever he would listen to me talk; the way he would say "No worries Beks! Tomorrow's another day." no matter what distressing news I was delivering to him. That's just the way he was. Always happy. He never would have talked to me the way Sid did after a loss. His philosophy was always "Don't worry about what you can not control or things you can not change."
I took another deep breath, closed my eyes and said "Oh David. I wish I had your strength. I NEED your strength right now."
I felt a warm hand on my shoulder. It scared me, but at the same time, I felt a wave of relief wash over my entire body.
"David?" I said as I opened my eyes. I couldn't believe what I had just laid my eyes upon. "What are you doing here?" I whispered.
"I couldn't leave things the way they were," he said softly. "I came right from the airport."
"How did you know I was here?"
"The nurse on your floor told me you were down here. Why are you down here?" Sidney asked as he sat beside me in the pew and taking my hand in his.
"Rough night. I needed to come down here to think."
"And I didn't make it any better did I? Beks, I don't know what else to say except I'm sorry. I was out of line to yell at you the way I did. It wasn't you I was mad at, it was the situation. And I never should have said you weren't supportive. Forgive me?"
"It's not that easy Sidney," I said looking up at him for the first time. DAMN! Those puppy dog eyes! "I understand your frustration, really I do. But is that the way you're going to handle it every time you lose or calls don't go your way? Cause let me tell you, if it is, you need to find someone else to take it out on."
"I'm sorry," he whispered, running his hand down the side of my cheek. "I'm usually better at keeping my emotions in check. Tonight was just extremely brutal. It's just not fair sometimes."
My head shot up and all of a sudden I was staring directly into his eyes.
"Unfair? Unfair? Come with me," I ordered as I grabbed his hand and pulled him up from his seat.
The elevator ride was silent except for my heartbeat that I was sure he could hear. The doors opened and I held his hand as I led him down the dimly lit hall. As we approached the door, I stopped and put a finger over my lips signaling him to be quiet. He nodded. I opened the door and led him to the side of Dylan's crib. He was surprised by what he saw. A tiny little body, lying perfectly still with no less that five different wires connecting him to various machines.
"Look at him," I whispered in as demanding of a tone as I could. "Really look at him."
We both stood and watched Dylan in silence for what seemed like eternity, but was really only about a minute. I turned to Sidney and said, "You play a game for a living. What happened to you tonight may have been crappy, but it was not unfair. It did not change your life and you will go on to play another game. This," I continued pointing at Dylan," is unfair. A beautiful, innocent young boy getting cancer and having to fight for his life before he's even lived it, is unfair. So please, let's try and keep things in perspective."
I looked up at him, only to see him wipe tears away from his own cheeks. Those beautiful golden eyes looked into mine and he meekly whispered, "Bekah, you're right. I'm sorry, so, so sorry."

Just a note...

Sid's POV is meant to be read before chapter 66, so please read them in that order! Sorry for the mix up and happy reading!

Sid's POV

By the time I got back to the hotel after doing press I was exhausted and just wanted to take a nap. When I opened the door I couldn't believe what I saw.
"What the hell are you doing here?"
"We need to talk about things."
"I don't have anything else to say right now dad. I'm still angry."
"I know you are and you have every right to be, but we need to fix things. I can't stand you being mad at me. I know I screwed up, but I'm trying to make things right here Sid."
I was stunned! As I lived and breathed, Troy Crosby admitted he made a mistake?
"I'm listening," I said sitting down on the bed across from him.
"I love you more than anything else in this world. Everything I have ever done has been out of love and to try and protect you. I judged Bekah by outward appearance before I actually got to know her and that was wrong. I am so sorry for interfering in your personal life, and I hope you will be able to forgive me.I want you to know that I talked to Bekah before I came here. I apologized and I got to know her a bit better. I had alot of questions and she graciously answered all of them. She really is a very remarkable girl. It's hard to fathom some of the things she went through at such a young age. I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. You were right son. She is all of the things you said she was and more. You would be very lucky to have someone like that in your life and I told her that. If you want to be with Bekah, you have my blessing."
"Wow."
"That's all you have to say?"
"I'm just trying to wrap my brain around the fact that you not only admitted you were wrong, but you said the words 'I'm sorry' all in the same day!"
"Christ Sidney, this is not really the time for sarcasm!"
"You know what hurt more than you getting involved the way you did to try and destroy our relationship dad?"
"What?"
"The fact that you had so little faith in me. You didn't trust my character and my instincts in choosing who I let into my life. I thought knew me better than that."
"You're absolutely right. I was afraid that you were getting caught up in the chase and not the person and I was wrong. I know you know that you have to be extra careful and I should have trusted that you knew what you were doing. I just want to get past this Sidney. Put it in the past and move forward. I want you to be happy. That's all I've ever wanted for you."
"I know. And I am. Bekah makes me happy. And I'm happy that you are here. I need you here with me."
"Does this mean that you forgive me?"
"Well, someone very wise once told me that life is too short to be angry with the people you love. Forgive before it's too late. So yes, I forgive you."
"Who told you that?"
"Bekah."
"Of course she did! I mean it Sidney. She really is a wonderful girl. You are very lucky."
"Thanks and trust me, I know how lucky I am to have her in my life."
"I love you son," he said hugging me.
"I love you too dad."

Chapter 66

I really wasn't looking forward to the next week. Sid was on a road trip and I was left here with my negative thoughts. He was playing back home in Canada for the first time and I knew he was excited so I really tried to be excited for him. I knew the one thing he wasn't looking forward to was playing the Leafs an Saturday because that meant Don Cherry. Sid had taken alot of slack from Cherry about being a "whiner" and a "diver" since the beginning of the season and it only escalated when the Pen's new coach gave him the A. Sidney was perfect in the press saying only that everyone was entitled to their own opinion and appeared as though he let the hurtful comments roll of his back, but I knew different. He had confided in me how hurt he truly was.



------flashback to a few weeks ago-------------



"I just go out and play my game. When I am blatantly getting tripped and slashed and it's not being called of course I'm going to say something! I can take being called a cry baby or whatever the hell they're saying. What I can't take is being called a diver. That shows a complete disrespect for the game and the fact that anyone, especially people like Forsberg and Cherry; people I have admired and respected, would think that I have that kind of disrespect for this game really hurts. It hurts. I love this game and everything it represents. I would never do anything to disrespect it."

I took him in my arms and wiped away the few tears that rolled down his cheek.

"I can't imagine how you must feel, but there is one thing I do know. People are threatened by greatness, especially when they themselves were once known as being great. You are so much more than great, and everyone knows it. They are scared of what you might be able to accomplish, so they will say anything to try and bring you down a peg. It's not a personal attack against you, it's a defense mechanism for them. There is nothing you can do except keep being the kind of player you are, it's worked for you so far. Keep learning and improving and show all the doubters that you are everything that you've been hyped to be; the next great one, the face of the NHL! That will make them even more crazy!

He wrapped me in a tight embrace and kissed me on the top of the head.
"I really don' know what I'd do without you," he whispered. "It's hard to talk about some of the feelings and doubts that I have. I can't tell my dad because I'm not supposed to have negative thoughts or feelings. Thank you. Thank you for being my safe place."

--------------end flashback--------------


I was nearly asleep when my phone rang.
"Hey beautiful, you weren't asleep were you?" an exhausted voice purred from the other end.
"Not quite, but it sounds like you could use some sleep."
"I am beat. The adrenaline is finally wearing off."
"Yes, great game tonight 'first star'!"
"You were watching?"
"Of course! Me and the boys. I thought Jake was going to do a back flip when you scored the game winner!"
"Awe, that's awesome. I really miss you guys."
"We miss you too. Alex was asking when you were going to be home so he could beat you at NHL 06!"
"Oooh tough guy huh? You tell him I accept his challenge and when I come back on the 8th, it's game on!"
"You don't get enough hockey in real life, so you have to play it in video games too?"
"You can never get enough hockey!"
"It's awfully quiet there. Where's Colby?"
"A bunch of the guys went out to celebrate the win, he went with them."
"Why didn't you go? You of all people should be celebrating."
"I can't go anywhere here without causing mass hysteria. The press has been brutal and the fans are everywhere. I have to sneak out back doors, it's completely crazy. It's better that I don't go. The guys will have a better time without having to worry about that bullshit. I'm just gonna watch a tape of the World Junior game I missed."
"Sidney that is soooo sad. I hate thinking about you sitting there by yourself while the other guys are out having a good time. It breaks my heart."
"You get used to it, besides I am talking to my amazing girlfriend and my dad's going to come up and watch the game with me later."
"Still you shouldn't have to hide out in your hotel room. And thank you, you're pretty amazing yourself."
"We talked about this Beks. It's part of my life. You have to take the good with the bad. And I know I am amazing!"
"You also know how to ruin a moment!"
"But I know how to create a few good one's too!"
I thought back to New Year's Eve.
"That you do," I replied smiling even though he couldn't see me.
"Made you smile didn't I?"
"Yes, you did."
"Hey, my dad's here so I'm going to let you go and I'll call you tomorrow after practice."
"Oh right, at your dad's old arena right?"
"The very one. He's got alot of great memories from there, so it'll be so great for him to be back here."
"Well I hope you two have a great time, I'm glad he's there with you."
"Yeah, me too," he said sheepishly.
"I guess I was right then huh?"
"I'm glad I listened to you."
"Because I was right."
"You gave some good advise, yes."
"You can't say it can you?"
"Nope!"
I could hear him smiling.
"Well, if we're going to be together Crosby, you'd better practise saying it, because it happens quite often, and I will expect to hear it every time it does!"
"Put your pj's on baby, cause you're dreaming!"
"Sidney Patrick Crosby, that is rude!"
He was laughing hysterically by this point.
"I love you mon petit bijou! I'll talk to you tomorrow.
"Yeah well you're lucky I love you too!"
"I know I am. Give the boys a kiss from me. Sweet dreams."


I closed my eyes with a smile on my face. I couldn't believe that I had shut myself off from the possibility of love for so long. It actually made my heart happy just hearing the words 'I love you' from someone other than my children. I guess my choice was made. I choose to let go of the pain and anger that has has a hold on my heart for so long. I choose to be happy. I choose to be in love.

Chapter 65

"Mommyyyyyyyyy!" was Jake's greeting as he dropped his coat at the front door and ran towards me. "Mommy I missed you," he said wrapping his arms around my neck.
"I missed you too sweet tart," I replied, planting a kiss on the tip of his nose.
"What about you Alex? Do I even get a hello?"
"Wh...uh hey mom," he muttered without looking up from the video game Sid had picked out for him for Christmas.
"Well that was heartfelt!" I said to no one in particular as both boys immediately went to their rooms to make sure all their Christmas loot was still where they left it.

"Well, how'd it go?" Lily asked unable to control her curiosity any longer.
"It went okay," I replied.
"Okay as in 'I will have you forcefully removed if you come anywhere near my son' or okay as in 'you are the perfect girl for my son, welcome to the family'?"
"More the second one I guess."
"Seriously?"
"We had a really great talk. I think he was just concerned because he didn't know anything about my background and stuff-especially with regards to the kids."
"So what did you tell him?" Lily asked wrinkling her forehead.
"The truth. Everything. He knows about my parents, David, and my history with Jeff. He knows what I went through to get where I am today and what my intentions are towards Sid."
"And Troy was alright with everything?" she asked skeptically.
"He seemed to be. He actually said he could see why Sid loves me and that I was good for Sid. Can you believe that?"
"Um...no, not really. I can't believe he did a complete 180! Don't get me wrong, it's great...if it's for real. I hope he's not trying to pull something."
"Believe me, I've thought the exact same thing. But I do have faith that what he's told me is true. I also believe that he would do anything to make things right with Sidney, even if it means giving me a chance."
"And how did Sid take the news?"
"Like us, skeptical at first. I don't think he's ready to let go of his anger yet. He couldn't understand how I could forgive Troy so easily."
"Honestly, I don't either."
"He loves Sidney and so do I. We both want him to be happy. I know Sid's relationship with his father is extremely important to him and Troy knows that Sid's relationship with me is extremely important to him, so we have a common ground. Life is too short to be angry with the one's you love. I wish I had a father that loved me and looked out for me the way Troy does. I just reminded Sid that we are all not that fortunate."
"Wow! I think I like Bekah-in-love! You're actually dare I say...happy?"
"Yeah, you could say that but..."
"Oh no no no! No yeah buts! The most amazing guy is in love with you and he happens to be the best thing to hit the NHL in years, not to mention he's smokin' hot! So no yeah buts, just enjoy it!
Let yourself be happy."
"I'm really trying Lily, but he just said something that kind of freaked me out a little."
"What's that, marry me? Get over it! Say hell yeah!"
"Lily please, I'm serious. When we were talking about how I wished I had a dad that cared about me like he does, he asked if it was possible to love your kids too much. I said you can never love your kids too much and he said 'I guess I'll find out when I have my own kids.' That freaks me out."
"Why? He adores the boys and he wants to have kids of his own. I fail to see what's so terrible about that Bekah."
"He wants kids of his own. I don't want more kids. Right off the bat we have a fundamental difference in where we see our futures. It can only end badly, so why bother?"
"Things change Bekah. You may not want kids now, but you're telling me that if things go well and you end up with Sid for the long haul, you won't want to have his children?"
"No. It would be like having a second family. The boys are so old already and were talking years down the road here. Besides, even if I wanted to, I can't."
"What do you mean you can't?"
"After Jake was born, and the beatings got worse, I wanted to make sure I didn't bring another child into that mess, so I got my tubes tied. I can never give Sid children."
"Those things can be reversed. You see it all the time!"
"The physical challenge isn't even the point. It goes back to the age thing and being in different phases of our lives. He's young and just starting out. By the time he's ready to settle down and have kids, I'll most likely be pushing forty and both my kids will be grown. How do we build a relationship when I already know it will never last?"
"Have you talked to him about it?"
"God no! I was just a fluke comment he said in passing. He's not at the stage where he's actually thinking about having kids, but it was enough to make me think about it."
"Well, you were the one who always said the basis of any relationship was trust and honesty. You could never be with someone you didn't trust or that you couldn't be honest with. You've been honest with Sid about your past which tells me you trust him right?"
"Yes."
"Then, you need to keep being honest with him. Tell him how you feel, he might surprise you."
"After everything we've just been through, after everything I've put him through, we're just starting to get things figured out. We just agreed to start dating for crying out loud! I can't drop something so...so...heavy on him. Besides, two people that just agreed to start dating should not be having any conversations about having children together!"
"Well the way I see it you have two choices. You can tell him how you feel which could very possibly end things before they really get started, or you can forget that those words ever came out of his mouth and be happy dating one of the most amazing guys in the world and see where it takes you."
"I don't know if I can just pretend that something that important doesn't hang over our relationship."
"Well those are really your only two choices. Soooooo....choose."

Sid's POV

I was going crazy! I couldn't take it anymore. I had to vent to someone. There was only one person who knew the whole truth about what's been going on.
I banged on Flower's door and paced the floor until he opened it.
"What the hell took you so long?" I snapped at him as I brushed by him and flung myself down on one of the beds.
"What is wrong with you?" he asked shutting the door behind me.
I got up and started pacing around the room muttering to myself. Marc sat at the end of the bed and just watched with amusement. When I finally took a second to look around the room, it looked like a bomb had gone off.
"Jesus Flower, we've only been here for a couple of hours! How the hell do you make this big of a mess in that short of time?" I said picking up some of the clothes off the floor and throwing them at him.
"What can I say? It's a talent!"
"It's disgusting."
Marc raised his eyebrow and gave me that puzzled French look. (Yes, some of the French have a very distinct look when they are confused).
"Okay Sid, I'll bite. Is something bothering you?" Marc asked with that toothy grin of his.
"No."
"Really? You sure fooled me! Is it your dad again?"
"No. Yes. Kind of. I just don't' understand what the hell is taking so long. She should have called by now. What could he possibly be saying to her now?"
"Whoa, back up champ. What and who are you talking about?"
"My dad and Bekah. They were meeting tonight so he could supposedly apologize to her, but I don't know Flower. I don't have a good feeling about this."
"Wait; your dad...thee Troy Crosby...is apologizing to someone?"
"Supposedly."
"When did hell freeze over?"
"Very funny Flower!"
"Seriously...I didn't think he had the words 'I'm sorry' in his vocabulary."
"Well I wouldn't think he'd use those words. I'm sure if he is really apologizing, he's doing it in a round about way. That is so besides the point right now. I just want to know what the hell is going on. What's taking so long?"
"N'inquietez pas mon ami. I'm sure everything is fine. She'll call you as soon as she can."
"But I am worried. My dad has already cost me enough time with her."
"Know what your problem is mon ami? You try to hard to make everyone else happy and forget about yourself. You can't stand being mad at your dad and you don't want Bekah to be hurt if you're not mad at him. It's lose/lose."
"I do hate being mad at my dad, but I am, and rightfully so. I'm not worried about how Bekah will feel when things are okay with me and him. I am worried about when thing will be okay with us. He broke my trust, Marc. He's the one that taught me trust was the most important element of any relationship. If we can't get that back, then what?"
"You will. He's making a good first step non?"
"Oui. He is. I just need to know what's happening."
"Patience mon ami. Patience."
"Not exactly my strong suit Flower."
"You're not kidding! Why don't you come to dinner with us? Hang out, try and keep your mind off it."
"As if..."

As if on cue my phone rang.
"Hello, Bekah?"
"Yeah, it's me. Why do you sound out of breath?"
"Uhh...I'm not, I'm fine. How'd it go?"
She chuckled.
"It's been driving you crazy all day hasn't it?"
"No."
"You are such a liar Crosby! I bet you've been sitting in your hotel room pacing the floor waiting for me to call haven't you?"
"Nooooo."
"Sidney?"
"Actually it was Marc's room but that's besides the point! What happened?"
"Sidney, really! You are such a drama queen! Nothing happened! We met for coffee and had a nice chat."
"Chat? A chat? Troy Crosby does not chat! Interrogate maybe, but not chat!"
"Okay, so maybe it was a little like an interrogation, but he's just trying to look out for you. He wanted to know who his son is spending his time with, just like any good parent would."
"Are you actually defending him?"
"No. But I'm a parent too Sid. I understand where his concern was coming from."
"So what did he ask you?"
"What didn't he ask? Your father is now very well versed on everything that has happened in my life. We talked about everything from my family or lack there of, my brother, the kids' father, why I moved to Pittsburgh and why I love you."
"You told him...everything?"
"Yes. I'm not going to hide anything from him. How am I supposed to get him to trust me if I lie to him. I'm not ashamed of my past, I may regret some things in it, but who doesn't? Your dad has the right to know exactly who I am and what I'm about. Now he does."
"And what did he have to say about it?"
"Why don't you ask him that yourself?"
"Beks, now is not the time for games."
"I'm not playing games. If you want to know how your father feels about me, you should ask him yourself."
"I'm just not sure I'm ready to talk to him yet."
"Sid, you need to get over it!"
"Beks, he almost destroyed us..."
"But he didn't."
"He said heinous things to you..."
"They were just words Sidney."
"I can't believe what I'm hearing! Have you actually forgiven him for everything he said; everything he did to us?"
"If I've learned anything, it's that life is too short! You can't hold grudges forever. He is your father, and he loves you. He was trying to protect you. I would give anything to have a father who loved me the way your father loves you. You should be grateful."
"I am. It's just hard sometimes. Do you think it's possible to love your kids too much?"
"Never. It is possible to go a little overboard in the protection department, but you can never love your kids enough!"
"I'll find that out when I have my own kids right?"
Silence.
"Bekah? Are you still there?"
"Uh... yeah. Look, just call your dad and talk to him. I think he really needs to know that you two are okay. I have to go. I'll talk to you later."
"Beks, you okay?"
"Mmm hmm."
"O...kaaay. I'll call you tomorrow?"
"Yeah, that's fine. I'll talk to you then."
"Forgetting something?"
"What?"
Is she serious? I thought.
"I love you."
Another awkward silence.
"I love you too Sid. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye."
That was just bizarre. Why did her mood change all of a sudden?