Chapter 67

It was 2:30 am - just about half way through my shift when I left Dylan's room. He had just started another round of chemo and was having a rough night. I tried to spend as much time with him as possible. I was drawn to him. I looked in his eyes and saw my own kids. It made me thank god every day that both my boys were healthy and happy. Thank god. That's exactly what I needed right now.

"Hey Darlene, I'm taking my break now. I'll be down in the chapel. Page me if Dylan wakes up."
"Sure thing doll, but is everything okay?" my lovely elder co-worker questioned.
"Yeah, everything's fine why?"
"You only go to the chapel when something is really bothering you."
"I'm fine. I just need the solitude."
"You'll certainly get it this time of night!"
"See you in thirty Dar."

The elevator ride down the 8 floors to get to the chapel seemed to take alot longer than usual. Long enough for the conversation I had with Sidney earlier to rear it's ugly head again.

"It's fucking bullshit!" he yelled into the phone. "That asshole fucking hit me from behind and never got a penalty! He slashes me; and no fucking penalty! I shove him and I get fucking 2 minutes. Shithead scores; rubs it in my face and doesn't even get an unsportsmanlike! What the fuck?"
"Gee Sid, think you could have squeezed a few more curse words in for good measure?"
"For fuck sakes Bekah, I am really not in the mood for your fucking sarcasm right now."
"DO NOT speak to me that way," I said through clenched teeth. "The game is over. You lost. So the calls didn't go your way tonight. I am not the referee so don't take your anger out on me."
"I am not taking it out on you. I'm venting my frustration to my girlfriend. You know, the one who's supposed to support me through good times and bad. You do know what supportive means don't you?"
"Fuck you Crosby! I don't need this crap right now. I'm going to work. When you're ready to have a grown up conversation, give me a call." and I slammed the phone down.

I walked into the chapel and took a seat at the front. The only light was from the candles that burned to my left. I took a deep breath and let my eyes close as I exhaled, trying to blow away all the negative energy I was feeling. I questioned many things in life, but right now the only question running through my mind was 'What am I doing with Sidney?' I had never heard him as angry as he was earlier. I understood why, but what I didn't understand is why he was talking to me the way he did. Was it going to be like this every time he lost or calls didn't go his way? If so, I did not sign up for this.
I tried to push Sidney out of my head and let my thoughts wander back to Dylan. That poor angel lying upstairs was so young; so innocent. He didn't deserve to have cancer. He didn't deserve to be fighting for his life, a life that hasn't even been lived yet.
As tears formed in my eyes, my thoughts drifted to David. I missed him so much. The way he smiled at me whenever I walked into the room; the way he always cocked his head to the left whenever he would listen to me talk; the way he would say "No worries Beks! Tomorrow's another day." no matter what distressing news I was delivering to him. That's just the way he was. Always happy. He never would have talked to me the way Sid did after a loss. His philosophy was always "Don't worry about what you can not control or things you can not change."
I took another deep breath, closed my eyes and said "Oh David. I wish I had your strength. I NEED your strength right now."
I felt a warm hand on my shoulder. It scared me, but at the same time, I felt a wave of relief wash over my entire body.
"David?" I said as I opened my eyes. I couldn't believe what I had just laid my eyes upon. "What are you doing here?" I whispered.
"I couldn't leave things the way they were," he said softly. "I came right from the airport."
"How did you know I was here?"
"The nurse on your floor told me you were down here. Why are you down here?" Sidney asked as he sat beside me in the pew and taking my hand in his.
"Rough night. I needed to come down here to think."
"And I didn't make it any better did I? Beks, I don't know what else to say except I'm sorry. I was out of line to yell at you the way I did. It wasn't you I was mad at, it was the situation. And I never should have said you weren't supportive. Forgive me?"
"It's not that easy Sidney," I said looking up at him for the first time. DAMN! Those puppy dog eyes! "I understand your frustration, really I do. But is that the way you're going to handle it every time you lose or calls don't go your way? Cause let me tell you, if it is, you need to find someone else to take it out on."
"I'm sorry," he whispered, running his hand down the side of my cheek. "I'm usually better at keeping my emotions in check. Tonight was just extremely brutal. It's just not fair sometimes."
My head shot up and all of a sudden I was staring directly into his eyes.
"Unfair? Unfair? Come with me," I ordered as I grabbed his hand and pulled him up from his seat.
The elevator ride was silent except for my heartbeat that I was sure he could hear. The doors opened and I held his hand as I led him down the dimly lit hall. As we approached the door, I stopped and put a finger over my lips signaling him to be quiet. He nodded. I opened the door and led him to the side of Dylan's crib. He was surprised by what he saw. A tiny little body, lying perfectly still with no less that five different wires connecting him to various machines.
"Look at him," I whispered in as demanding of a tone as I could. "Really look at him."
We both stood and watched Dylan in silence for what seemed like eternity, but was really only about a minute. I turned to Sidney and said, "You play a game for a living. What happened to you tonight may have been crappy, but it was not unfair. It did not change your life and you will go on to play another game. This," I continued pointing at Dylan," is unfair. A beautiful, innocent young boy getting cancer and having to fight for his life before he's even lived it, is unfair. So please, let's try and keep things in perspective."
I looked up at him, only to see him wipe tears away from his own cheeks. Those beautiful golden eyes looked into mine and he meekly whispered, "Bekah, you're right. I'm sorry, so, so sorry."