Chapter 109

"For you beautiful," Sidney said handing me a glass of wine and kissing my cheek.
"Thank you. Where are the boys?"
"Already fed and in their rooms doing homework. Come with me."
"I just want to go see the boys first."

"Hello my babies," I said from the doorway of Alex's room. Jake came bounding in and flopped on his brother's bed.
"Come on, hugs please."
After hugs that lasted a little too long for my sons' liking, I asked how school was, and what they had for dinner.
"Sid made us psghetti," Jake answered. "It was good too! Better than Mrs. Parker's but not as good as yours."
"Thanks honey. Alex, you have anything to say?"
"Not really. Dinner was good."
"And?"
"Nothing."
"Jake can you go back to your room and let me talk to your brother?"
"Sure Mom."
"Alright Alex. There's something you're not telling me, what is it?"
He just looked at me for a long time before he let out a big sigh.
"Promise you won't get mad?"
"I can't promise that if I don't know what it is."
"I just don't want you to be mad at me..."
"Honey now you're starting to scare me. Please, whatever's bothering you, you can tell me. You can tell me anything."
"Okay. I want you to know that I really, really like Sid so this isn't because I don't like him. Sid hasn't been around much since we came home and Max has been spending lots of time with us; he's been helping me with some projects I've had for school and we've been hanging out and doing...family stuff." He paused. "We don't do the same kinds of stuff when Sid is here. It's...I don't know...different."
He looked like he still had more to say so I looked at him and urged him to continue.
"And...?"
"And...you were so happy when we were visiting Sid in Nova Scotia and not so happy since we've been home."
"I've been happy..."
"Not the same happy...and you only smile if you're doing something with us or Max is here. When Max is with us we are always laughing and having fun. It's not the same when Sid is here...if he's here."
"You don't have fun with Sid?"
"Yeah we have fun but it's just...different. It just seems like everything is so different here. Sid's different, you're different. I really like Sid Mom, but if you're going to be sad because he can't hang out with us, maybe you should just be..."
"Just be what?"
"I just want you to be happy Mom, whatever it takes."
I wrapped him in a huge hug and said "How did you get to be so smart anyway?"
"I'm not a little kid anymore Mom."
"I know. You're growing up before my eyes. Listen, I don't want you to be worrying about all this grown up stuff. I'm glad you like hanging out with Max, and yes we do have lots of fun, but that's because we're just very good friends, there's no pressure. When you are in a relationship with someone, you try hard to impress them so they will like you."
"But you and Sid already like each other."
"You're right, but you don't always act the same way around someone you're in a relationship with than you do with your friends."
"That's stupid. You should be able to act the same around everyone."
"Ya know what? You're right, you should, but it doesn't always work that way. Let's just try and cut Sid a little slack okay? Of course everything is going to be different here because it's not vacation anymore. We're both back to work and that is stressful; plus you know how hard it is for Sid here. Everybody wants something from him; his time, his autograph, his picture; it's a lot of work to be Sidney Crosby and he's still figuring out how to deal with it. He doesn't want to let anyone downand that includes us; especially us, so maybe we should do whatever we can to help him figure it out and not be too hard on him when he can't always be here okay?"
"Okay. Like I said, I just want you to be happy."
"I am happy," I said giving him another hug. "I've got the best kid-s in the whole world!"

Great advise. Now, if only I believed it.

**************************************

"Sorry," I said wandering back into the kitchen.
"No problem. Everything okay?"
"Yeah, Alex just had some stuff on his mind and I wouldn't leave until I pried it out of him."
"Nothing serious I hope?"
"Naw, just some stuff with school."
"Good, now come with me," he said taking me by the hand and leading me into the dining room.
There were candles everywhere and a beautiful bouquet of lilies in the middle of the table. There were two place settings of beautiful china, silverware, and crystal sparkling in the candle light.
"Where did all this come from?" I asked in total shock.
"I'm not going to lie...Nat helped me out," he smiled coyly, "But the pasta is all me, I swear!"

Dinner was excellent. We ate and made small talk, keeping the conversation light. When we were finished eating, Sidney insisted I go into the family room and rest while he did dish duty. I agreed, but only after tucking the boys into bed. Sid made a point to go in and say goodnight to both of them as well.

It was unusually cool already for October, so I lit a fire and settled on the couch with my glass of wine and a book.

When Sid was finished in the kitchen he joined me on the couch, lifting my feet and putting them on his lap. When he started to rub them I couldn't hold back a moan of pleasure.
"Feel good baby?"
"Amazing," I mumbled letting my eyes roll back in my head.
"I haven't heard you moan like that since our last night in Nova Scotia," he whispered.
"And who's fault is that?" I said without opening my eyes.
I felt him stiffen and regretted my words as soon as I said them...kind of.

'Remember what you told Max,' I said to myself. 'Don't let him off easy.'

His voice was soft as he spoke.
"Beks, I know things have been...rough since we came back. I haven't been around much and when I have, I've been...moody; but I'm trying. I'm trying to figure this out as I go and I know I'm not doing a very good job of it, but I'm trying. I don't want to disappoint anyone, least of all you and the boys. I'm sorry; I'm really trying."
His voice sounded sorrowful and it broke my heart. I really couldn't imagine being in his shoes, especially at his age. God knows I didn't have my shit together when I was nineteen.
I sat up and faced him.
"I get it Sid, I do. No amount of grooming can prepare you for the kind of pressure you're under. I don't think anyone, even your handlers, thought Sidney Crosby was going to be as big as you are, I get it. I know what I signed up for when I got into a relationship with you; but knowing it in your head and feeling it in your heart when you're living it are two different things. I'm trying too; trying not to put my own unfair expectations on you because that's the last thing you need. But, what you need to remember is you can make millions of fans happy, dozens of sponsors and the league too; but at the end of the day, it will mean nothing if you have no one to come home to and share it with. If you put the people who love you last on your list because you think they're always going to be there, that's exactly what's going to happen."
He hugged me long and tight.
"I know," he whispered into my hair. "I'm trying to figure out a balance."
"I hate to tell you this, but finding that balance is going to require you to say no sometimes."
"I know."
"Do you? I mean, you say the words but your actions say something different. As far as I can tell, the only one you've said no to is me."
"What? When?" he asked surprised.
"When I asked you to stop by the hospital and meet Sam."
"I didn't say no, just that it had to go through PR."
"But why? I wasn't asking for a big parade through the hospital, just for you to quietly slip in, meet the kid and slip out. I don't think that was a unreasonable request."
"I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say."
"Well, I guess there's nothing else to say."

The silence between us was almost deafening. I finally caved and wrapped him in a hug. He pulled back slightly and when his lips met mine, the heat flowing through my body threatened to melt away any left over anger and disappointment. I let out another low moan and Sid took it as an invitation to go further.
"I've been waiting to make you moan since we got back here. I want you so badly Beks," he whispered, his voice laden with lust. "Let's go to bed and see what I can do about that."
I pulled back from him immediately.
"Whoa, slow down cowboy. I thought I made it clear there would be no spending the night when the boys were here. Not yet."
"Who said anything about spending the night? I can be out of here before they wake up," he replied leaning in to pick up where he left off.
"Is that what this whole thing was about? You need to get laid so you thought you could make me dinner and say all the right things and that would make up for the last few weeks; all would be forgiven and I'd jump right back into bed with you?
"No, of course not! I've missed you; I've missed us being together."
"Then figure out a way to fix it! I need to get to bed, I have work in the morning so you should get going."
I stood up and walked to the front door.
"Are you serious right now? I thought we were working this out?"
"So did I. What's done is done; we'll move on from here, but if you think that you can just apologize and everything goes back to the way it was you've got another thing coming. We'll start with a clean slate but that means you have to earn my love and trust. Show me that you're willing to do the work and give me and this relationship the effort it deserves. I'm not asking to be your number one priority, I'm just asking for a little respect and consideration. If you can do that, then we'll see what happens. Until then...goodnight Sidney."