Chapter 96

This is not the direction I was going to go with this chapter, but when I started writing it just kind of poured out of me. Sorry it's a long one but I hope y'all like it!



"Maybe we should wait until after the summer," I slipped out casually when Sidney was refilling my coffee mug.
"I knew you'd chicken out," he said calmly replacing the pot in its stand. "Let me guess...you were up half the night thinking about this and now you don't want to tell the boys about us?"
"Don't be mad; just hear me out okay?"
"I'm listening."
"We've already waited this long; I'm just afraid that if we tell them now, they won't understand why you have to leave for so long. If we wait until you come back, then we can tell them and start out fresh at the beginning of the season and they have the whole eight months to get used to the new dynamic. This is a huge step for them too. To tell them we're together then have you leave...I just think that's too much for them to process in a short time."

He was eerily quiet for a minute before he let out a long sigh.

"If you want to wait we'll wait," he said quietly. "I'm going to go have a shower."

He got up from the counter and kissed me on top of the head before heading to the bathroom and closing the door behind him.


I put my head in my hands and closed my eyes. All I could see was the look on Sid's face. It wasn't really anger; it wasn't really hurt. It was almost like there was no emotion there at all.


'What's wrong with you?' I asked myself. 'You are going to blow it if you keep it up. How much shit do you think he's going to put up with from you? Why can't you just let yourself be happy? He's everything you ever said you wanted so what's the problem? You know what the problem is stupid. You have to get over it Bekah, Sidney is not him. You left so you could have a good life; so you could give the boys a good life, but as long as you let him hold you back you'll never be free. And he wins.


I heard the water turn off and made my way back to the bedroom. Sid came in a few minutes later in nothing but black boxer briefs, droplets of water still glistening off his perfectly sculpted chest, and a towel that he was using to dry his chestnut curls.


"Bekah, you scared me," he said when the towel was no longer covering his eyes.
"I'm sorry."
"It's okay," he kind of chuckled. "What's up?"
"I'm sorry."
"Yeah, you already said that."
"No I'm sorry," I said once more while reaching for his hands. He obliged and let me pull him towards me. I wrapped my arms around his waist and rested my cheek against his stomach.
"I'm sorry, Sidney. I'm so sorry. I love you."
"I love you too Beks," he replied tentatively. "What's going on?"


I pulled away and made him sit down beside me on the bed so I could look in his eyes.

"Beks, you're scaring me a bit...what's wrong?"
"Nothing," I smiled. "That's just it Sidney, for the first time in my life, nothing is wrong."
Sidney looked at me with slight confusion on his face.
"Isn't that a good thing?" he questioned.
"It is a good thing; it's a very good thing," I said squeezing his hand. "But you and I both know how well I deal with good things."

Sidney smiled warmly and pulled my head to his until our foreheads were resting on one another.
"I know he hurt you Bekah, but you can't let him keep hurting you."
"I know," I whispered lifting my head so I could see his golden eyes. "And I have to stop hurting you."
"Hurting me?"
"Yes. This whole relationship has been about me...what I want, what I need, what's best for my kids and you've done it all; every single thing I've asked of you, you've done and you've never complained. But I have never considered how you felt through this whole thing. It wasn't until I saw the look on your face just now that it really hit me. I've been taking you for granted and I've hurt you and I'm sorry. I don't ever want to hurt you again."
"You're being silly Bekah," he said pulling me into a hug.
"We're telling the boys about us as soon as they get home."




"Mom, we're home," Alex called bursting through the door with Jake in tow.
"I'm in the kitchen," I called back.
"Mom, you'll never guess...oh, hey Sid."
"Hey Alex."
"Yay, Sid's here!" Jake exclaimed coming into the kitchen.
"Guys, can you sit down for a minute, Sid and I want to talk to you," I said.
"Whatever it is I didn't do it," Alex said.
"Me neither," was Jake's reply.
"You guys aren't in trouble for anything, Sid and I just want to tell you something."
Three sets of chocolate eyes were all looking at me with anticipation. I took a deep breath before speaking.
'Here we go. No turning back.' I thought to myself.
"Okay, so both of you know that Sid and I are friends and we've been spending a lot of time together, hanging out and getting to know each other. Well, while we've been getting to know each other we've discovered that we really like each other."
"Like more than friends?" Alex asked.
Sid and I looked at each other and he said "Yeah bud, like more than friends."
"So are you my mom's boyfriend?" Jake asked.
"Well, that's kind of up to you guys."
I gave him a questioning look, but didn't interrupt.
"I really like your Mom," Sid continued, "and I want to be her boyfriend, but I want to know if that's okay with you guys."
Jake and Alex looked at each other.
"My mom's never had a boyfriend before," Alex started, "so...we don't really know what it means for us."
"What do you mean honey?" I asked.
"Well, like what's going to be different?"
"Nothing really. Sid might be here a little more but other than that..."
"Is Sid going to tell us what to do now?" Jake asked.
"This is new for all of us," I began. "I haven't had a man in my life for a long time..."
"Yeah, and I don't have kids of my own," Sid added.
"And we don't know what it's like to have a Dad," Jake piped up.
"I can't even remember him anymore," Alex said quietly.
My heart broke at that moment and I could feel my eyes starting to tear up.
"I know it's hard for you guys to understand because you were so young, but your dad...your dad was just not a very nice man. He loved you both very much, but sometimes grown ups just can't get along and they hurt each other."
"Like beating each other up?" Jake asked.
I was not prepared to have this conversation. I was a planner and I had never planned what I would tell them if the subject of their father ever came up. Do I tell them the truth or do I protect their innocence.
"There are lots of different ways to hurt people sweet pea. Sometimes people hit to hurt and sometimes they just use words to hurt your feelings. It doesn't matter if you hit or if you use mean words, it is never okay to hurt someone on purpose. Your daddy and I just couldn't stop hurting each other and that was not a safe way for us to live, that's why we had to leave. I needed to keep you safe and I couldn't do that living with your daddy."
"So where is he now?"
"I don't really know honey, we're not allowed to see him anymore."
"Why not?"
It didn't surprise me that Jake was so curious, he was too young to remember anything and we never really talked about it. Alex listened quietly.
"Sometimes if you hurt someone, you're not allowed to be around them anymore so you don't hurt them again."
"Like at school when Josh and Joey kept fighting and now they're not allowed to play together anymore?"
"Yes, like that."
"So now that Sid's your boyfriend is he going to sleep with you?"
"Excuse me?" I practically spit out my mouthful of coffee. "What do you mean?"
"You know. Are you guys going to sleep in the same bed like other mommies and daddies?"
"Well, what would you think about that?" I asked.
"I think it would be cool. Sid can wear his pj's and watch movies in bed with us on Sundays."
"Well, that might happen in the future, but it's not going to happen right away. All of us are going to have a lot of different things to get used to and it's not always going to be easy. We will make each other angry, but it's how we deal with it that is important."
"Yeah, like if I do something that makes you guys mad, I want you to be able to tell me, don't hold it all inside. If you tell me, then we can talk about it and I'll know not to do it again," Sid said.
"So are you going to yell at us when we do bad things? And are you going to be able to ground us?" Jake asked Sidney.
"No, I will not yell at you, and it's totally up to your mom whether or not you get grounded."
"Sid is just like any other adult in your life; like Lily or the Parkers. You listen when they ask you to do something and you treat them with respect - no back talk. Do you have any other questions you want to ask?"

Jake seemed satisfied and went to watch a movie.

"You've been pretty quiet Alex, do you have anything you want to ask?"
He looked back and forth between me and Sid before shaking his head no. Sid and I exchanged knowing looks and I excused myself to go check on Jake. Neither Alex nor Sid moved from the table.
"Is something bothering you Alex?" Sid asked.
"If I ask you something, will you tell me the truth?"
"Yes, if I can."
"I mean the real truth, not the kid truth that my mom tells us sometimes."
"Sure."
"Promise?"
"I promise. If I know the truth I will tell you."
"Do you know what really happened with my mom and dad?"

Sid didn't answer right away. He knew how Bekah felt about telling the boys about their father, but he couldn't lie to those big brown inquiring eyes that were staring up at him; he promised.

"Yes I do."
Alex looked down at his hands and barely spoke above a whisper.
"My dad hit her didn't he?"
Sid was a little surprised by Alex's question.
"Why would you ask that?"
"I've heard things."
"Like what kind of things?"
"Ive heard mom talking to Lily sometimes when they thought I was asleep. And that whole thing about grown ups hurting each other...I'm twelve, I'm not a baby I can figure it out. So, did he hit her or not?"
"Yes. Your dad used to hit your mom."
Alex just shook his head. "I knew it. How could you do that to someone you're supposed to love?"
"I don't know bud, I don't know."
"Why didn't she ever tell us the truth?"
"Well, you guys are pretty young to have that kind of thing be part of your life. She loves you and she tries to protect you from bad things. She didn't want you to think badly of your father; ruin any good memories you might have."
"I don't have any memories anymore and I don't really want to remember someone who would hurt my mom."
"I understand that."

Sidney and Alex sat silently at the kitchen table. They didn't need to say anything; they had formed a bond that day that went beyond words.

"Sid?"
"Yeah bud?"
"Do you love my mom?"
Sid smiled. "Yes I do."
Alex smiled for the first time since he sat down at the table that morning.
"Then don't hurt her okay."
"I will never hurt your mom Alex; I promise."