Chapter 65

"Mommyyyyyyyyy!" was Jake's greeting as he dropped his coat at the front door and ran towards me. "Mommy I missed you," he said wrapping his arms around my neck.
"I missed you too sweet tart," I replied, planting a kiss on the tip of his nose.
"What about you Alex? Do I even get a hello?"
"Wh...uh hey mom," he muttered without looking up from the video game Sid had picked out for him for Christmas.
"Well that was heartfelt!" I said to no one in particular as both boys immediately went to their rooms to make sure all their Christmas loot was still where they left it.

"Well, how'd it go?" Lily asked unable to control her curiosity any longer.
"It went okay," I replied.
"Okay as in 'I will have you forcefully removed if you come anywhere near my son' or okay as in 'you are the perfect girl for my son, welcome to the family'?"
"More the second one I guess."
"Seriously?"
"We had a really great talk. I think he was just concerned because he didn't know anything about my background and stuff-especially with regards to the kids."
"So what did you tell him?" Lily asked wrinkling her forehead.
"The truth. Everything. He knows about my parents, David, and my history with Jeff. He knows what I went through to get where I am today and what my intentions are towards Sid."
"And Troy was alright with everything?" she asked skeptically.
"He seemed to be. He actually said he could see why Sid loves me and that I was good for Sid. Can you believe that?"
"Um...no, not really. I can't believe he did a complete 180! Don't get me wrong, it's great...if it's for real. I hope he's not trying to pull something."
"Believe me, I've thought the exact same thing. But I do have faith that what he's told me is true. I also believe that he would do anything to make things right with Sidney, even if it means giving me a chance."
"And how did Sid take the news?"
"Like us, skeptical at first. I don't think he's ready to let go of his anger yet. He couldn't understand how I could forgive Troy so easily."
"Honestly, I don't either."
"He loves Sidney and so do I. We both want him to be happy. I know Sid's relationship with his father is extremely important to him and Troy knows that Sid's relationship with me is extremely important to him, so we have a common ground. Life is too short to be angry with the one's you love. I wish I had a father that loved me and looked out for me the way Troy does. I just reminded Sid that we are all not that fortunate."
"Wow! I think I like Bekah-in-love! You're actually dare I say...happy?"
"Yeah, you could say that but..."
"Oh no no no! No yeah buts! The most amazing guy is in love with you and he happens to be the best thing to hit the NHL in years, not to mention he's smokin' hot! So no yeah buts, just enjoy it!
Let yourself be happy."
"I'm really trying Lily, but he just said something that kind of freaked me out a little."
"What's that, marry me? Get over it! Say hell yeah!"
"Lily please, I'm serious. When we were talking about how I wished I had a dad that cared about me like he does, he asked if it was possible to love your kids too much. I said you can never love your kids too much and he said 'I guess I'll find out when I have my own kids.' That freaks me out."
"Why? He adores the boys and he wants to have kids of his own. I fail to see what's so terrible about that Bekah."
"He wants kids of his own. I don't want more kids. Right off the bat we have a fundamental difference in where we see our futures. It can only end badly, so why bother?"
"Things change Bekah. You may not want kids now, but you're telling me that if things go well and you end up with Sid for the long haul, you won't want to have his children?"
"No. It would be like having a second family. The boys are so old already and were talking years down the road here. Besides, even if I wanted to, I can't."
"What do you mean you can't?"
"After Jake was born, and the beatings got worse, I wanted to make sure I didn't bring another child into that mess, so I got my tubes tied. I can never give Sid children."
"Those things can be reversed. You see it all the time!"
"The physical challenge isn't even the point. It goes back to the age thing and being in different phases of our lives. He's young and just starting out. By the time he's ready to settle down and have kids, I'll most likely be pushing forty and both my kids will be grown. How do we build a relationship when I already know it will never last?"
"Have you talked to him about it?"
"God no! I was just a fluke comment he said in passing. He's not at the stage where he's actually thinking about having kids, but it was enough to make me think about it."
"Well, you were the one who always said the basis of any relationship was trust and honesty. You could never be with someone you didn't trust or that you couldn't be honest with. You've been honest with Sid about your past which tells me you trust him right?"
"Yes."
"Then, you need to keep being honest with him. Tell him how you feel, he might surprise you."
"After everything we've just been through, after everything I've put him through, we're just starting to get things figured out. We just agreed to start dating for crying out loud! I can't drop something so...so...heavy on him. Besides, two people that just agreed to start dating should not be having any conversations about having children together!"
"Well the way I see it you have two choices. You can tell him how you feel which could very possibly end things before they really get started, or you can forget that those words ever came out of his mouth and be happy dating one of the most amazing guys in the world and see where it takes you."
"I don't know if I can just pretend that something that important doesn't hang over our relationship."
"Well those are really your only two choices. Soooooo....choose."