Chapter 116

"What are you doing for Christmas?" Max asked.
"Preferably skipping it," I mumbled before saying "I don't know, haven't given it much thought."
"It's like a week away bijou. You saying you have no plans? What about the boys?"
"I have their gifts bought, that's about it. I just can't get into it this year. Frankly, I could care less if Christmas even happened. If it wasn't for the boys I'd probably just work."
"That's not right bijou; you love Christmas."
"Christmas just doesn't hold very good memories for me. Last year was...well you know what last year was, and now I'm alone again."

The look in Max's eyes was one of hurt. The normally loud and fun-loving Max was solumn and spoke barely above a whisper.
"I have been by your side every day since the break up," he began. "I've held you while you've cried for hours on end, I've wiped your tears and held your hand. I've taken care of everything the boys needed when you couldn't get out of bed because you were too sad. How can you say you are alone? You are not alone; I have been here for you through everything and the fact that you would even say that you're alone is very frustrating for me," he finished before getting up and going to the kitchen.

I felt like the last bit of life had been sucked out of me at that moment. When had I become that girl? The girl so obsessed with her own life she noticed nothing going on around her. The girl who needed a man to feel complete. The girl who could be so insensitive to her best friend who had just disappeared out of his own life to be by her side night and day because she'd turned into this unrecognizable puddle of mush. Damn you Crosby!

I slowly made my way to the kitchen to find Max, not knowing what I was going to say. He had his back towards the door, leaning against the counter with his arms spread out supporting his weight and his head hung between his broad shoulders. I approached slowly and ran my hand gently across his back, wrapped my arms around his waist and rested my head against his back. Max inhaled sharply but I didn't let go. We stood silently for what felt like forever before I loosened my grip and tried to turn him around to face me. He resisted.
"Max, please look at me."
He didn't.
"Please Max?" I whispered.
He took a deep breath before turning to face me and I was shocked at what I saw. His face was tear stained and his normally brilliant blue eyes were red-rimmed and a dull gray colour. My heart broke.
"Max, I am so so sorry. You have been totally amazing through this whole mess; giving up your own life to be here for me and the boys 24/7 and to say otherwise was completely insensitive. I didn't mean I was alone with no one to care about me, I just meant..."
"I know what you meant," he croaked out, "but it doesn't mean it didn't hurt."
"I would never, ever do or say anything to intentionally hurt you Max, I hope you know that," I began as tears flowed freely from my eyes once again.
"I do; I just...I'm just tired. I think I'm going to go home and go to bed."
"Max, don't leave like this. Didn't anyone ever tell you not to go to bed angry?" I smiled trying to lighten the mood a bit.
"I'll talk to you tomorrow okay," he said as he brushed by me on his way to the door.
'Fuck' I said to myself. 'Don't let him go when he's mad.'
"Max...wait!"
"Bijou, I just need to go. We will talk in the morning."
"I don't want you to go. Not tonight; not like this."
"What do you want?" he asked.
"I don't want you to go, not when you're mad. Just stay with me tonight."
"I don't think it's a good idea to stay with you."
"What are you talking about? You stay with me all the time."
"I know, but I just don't think it's a good idea tonight, right now I mean."
"Max, you're being ridiculous! We've shared a bed more times than I can count; probably more than S...more than Sidney and I ever did, that's for sure."
"Don't you think that might be a problem?"
"Of course it was a problem! Look, I don't want to talk about Sidney anymore tonight. Can we just go to bed?"
Max looked at me for a long time before letting out a huge sigh.
"You know I can't say no to you."
"That's what I was hoping for."

We laid in bed facing each other in complete darkness; the silence thick between us.
"I'm so sorry Max," I whispered, "I don't know what's happened to me."
"I don't know either. I just want the old Bekah back. The one whose smile lit up the room; the girl whose eyes made any star in the sky look dull; the one who laughed at every lame joke I ever told; the one who had a zest for life and couldn't wait to face the next challenge that came her way. Where's that girl. I want that girl back. That's the girl I l...that's the girl I miss."
"This is exactly the reason I never wanted to let anyone into my life. Nothing good could come of it."
"Nothing good?"
"What, like feeling this kind of pain is a good thing?"
"Of course not, but pain and sadness is not the only thing that came out of your relationship with Sidney."
"Really, because that's not what it feels like right now."
"And what about me? What about this right here? You and me. Let's not forget that I met you because of Sidney and if our relationship isn't something good then I am definitely in the wrong place."
"You are not in the wrong place Max," I said softly. "You are the best thing that's come out of this whole mess. I don't know how I would have gotten through the last year without you, or how to live life without you. I need you, I depend on you; too much sometimes I think."
"Everything you say I've done for you, you have done for me and more. Look at the life I was living..."
"Yeah fun and carefree is such a tough life. Doing whatever you want and not having to answer to anyone sounds like a rough gig."
"It's empty and meaningless. Not caring about anyone, sleeping with anything with a heartbeat is not only meaningless but dangerous and do you know who taught me that?"
"Me?"
"Yes you. You have given me so much bijou; a sense of belonging, the feeling that someone actually loves me for who I am and not what I am, the sense of being needed and the honor of being part of your family. I can never thank you for everything you've given me bijou."
"No Max, it's me that needs to thank you. You have been there for me no matter what, whether I'm right or wrong. You tell me the truth even if it's not what I want to hear. You give so much of yourself to me and my family and I am so thankful that the boys have such a strong and wonderful man to look up to. That means more to me than anything you could ever do for me.
"I love those boys and I'd do anything for them."
"I know, and they love you too.
"And their mother."
"And their mother loves you too."

The tension was thick between us. What was this feeling in the pit of my stomach? The gentle caress of his hand on my arm shook me from my thoughts. His hand moved north and gently stroked the side of my face.
"I hope you know how much I love you bijou."
I didn't answer; just put my hand on top of his own. I felt him move closer to me; so close I could feel his breath on my lips.
"Maxie?" I whispered.
"Oui chérie?"
"I...can't...we...can't..."
"Can't what?"
"Don't do this to me Max. You are the only constant in my life and I can't lose that."
"What if it only makes everything better?" he whispered as what I was sure were his lips brushed against mine."
"Love only complicates things Max. You are my rock and I don't know that I could continue to have this amazing friendship with you if I knew you wanted more. Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me this is my imagination and we are just Bekah and Max; best friends. Please Max, I can't lose this too."

There was a long pause before Max replied, and when he did the aura in the room had changed. For once I was glad I couldn't see his eyes.
"You are not losing anything bijou. It's you and me kid, two best friends navigating through this messy life together; that's all."

A wave of relief washed over my body and my mind.

"But you are getting out of this city. You and the boys are coming home with me for Christmas and it is not up for debate."