The ride home was long and silent; not even the radio was on. Lucie must have sensed something had happened because she had insisted the boys ride home with them, leaving Max and I alone. We didn't look at each other and the tension was thick. I knew Max's mind was probably reeling since I hadn't said a word since his proclamation of love but mine was doing the same. I knew right now I couldn't say anything to put his mind at ease so I did the only thing I could; I reached over and placed my hand on top of his - the one that had been resting on the gear shift, and gave it a gentle squeeze...and didn't let go. I hoped this small gesture was enough to ease his mind for the next little while.
How did I get in this situation? Two words...Sidney Crosby. My life has been a disaster since the day we met. If it hadn't been for him, making me fall in love with him, I wouldn't be faced with this predicament right now. I would have never opened myself up to the heartache I knew he would and inevitably did cause me; I wouldn't have been on this emotional roller coaster for the past year and a half and I would have never met Max.
Maxime Talbot. The only good thing to come out of this whole mess. No, that's not fair. Sidney taught me alot: never to give up on something you want; if you love something enough you can overcome almost any obstacle; and if you never take a risk, your life will be empty. He also taught me the importance of being passionate about something and opening yourself up to love. My time with Sidney was...special and I will hold a special place in my heart for him always, but our time had past; we tried and failed and now it was time to move on. But could I move on with Max?
Once we got home everyone opened one present and as per the Talbot family tradition everyone's gift was the same - pyjamas to wear to bed and open presents in on Christmas morning which by now was only a few hours away.
By the time we got the boys settled down and into bed, everyone else was exhausted and turned in for the night as well. About an hour later I couldn't sleep and got up to make myself some tea. I took my steaming cup out on the back deck hoping the fresh air would clear my mind.
It was a gorgeous night, not very cold and every star in the night sky seemed to be shining. I took a sip of the hot liquid and closed my eyes to savour the taste. I inhaled deeply and was startled by the feeling of a warm body behind me and arms around my waist.
"What are you doing out here bijou?"
"Couldn't sleep. My best friend kinda dropped a bomb on me earlier."
"Are we going to talk about it?"
"I guess we should."
"I know what you're going to say bijou. You're going to tell me that I'm crazy and you don't feel the same way and it will never work but the way I see it, it already is working. We love each other and we're already living like we're a family. You and the boys are everything to me; I would give my life for any one of you."
"I know that Max, but loving someone, wanting to take care of them is completely different than being IN love with them."
"I know the difference bijou and it does not change how I feel. I have been in love with you since the first day I met you and every moment we have spent together since. My question to you is, do you...or can you feel the same way?"
I turned and looked at him for the first time.
"I don't want to mislead you Max. The honest answer is I don't know and I don't know if it's worth risking our friendship to find out. I can't lose what we have Max."
"But what if it only makes it better?"
"What if we try and it doesn't work?"
"Then we still have what we have now."
"Will we? You think you will be able to have the same kind of relationship if I tell you I'm not and can't ever be in love with you? You're lying to yourself and me if you think nothing will change."
"Okay, I get why you're scared and why you think things will change and it probably will break my heart if you can't love me the way I love you, but it wouldn't be any different than me spending the last year watching you get tied up in knots over Sidney. It killed me to watch you with him, watch him treat you like shit and still supporting your relationship because I knew you loved him and that's what you wanted. But I did because I love you and I would do anything to make you happy."
"I know you would Max, and I would do anything to never, ever hurt you."
"Then don't," he said quietly as he moved closer until his forehead was resting against mine.
"Max I..."
"Shhhh," he whispered.
Something in my gut was telling me this was it - jump in with both feet and hope I don't drown. Maybe I have been ignoring what's been right in front of me.
I guess there's only one way to find out.
"Maxie?" I whispered.
"Oui bijou?"
"Kiss me."
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Chapter 118
The cathedral was breathtaking. Candlelight made the stained glass shimmer and the organ music in the background didn't even sound like an organ, but like the low hum of angels overhead.
His family began making their way to their pew and Max and I hung back.
"Is something wrong bijou?"
"No, nothing; I was just taking in this beautiful view."
"Hmm, me too," he replied quietly.
When I looked at him his blue eyes were looking at me causing me to blush.
"Shall we?" Max asked offering me his arm.
I didn't reply; just linked my arm through his and let him lead me towards the rest of the family.
"You know, I always thought when I walked down this aisle with a woman it would be with my wife on my wedding day," he whispered.
"Really?" I couldn't hide the surprise in my voice.
"Yes," he smirked. "I have actually thought about getting married; I want to, and I'd like a bunch of kids too...a whole hockey team I think."
After spending all this time with him and watching him with my own boys, this shouldn't have surprised me...but it did.
The service was beautiful; the choir heavenly. It was no surprise that both brought tears to my eyes on several occasions. And because he had taken it upon himself to take care of me lately, Max held my hand the entire time.
As much as I tried to pay attention, the conversation Lucie and I had earlier kept running through my mind.
Was she right? Was I ignoring what was right in front of me? I mean, we did spend every waking minute together. He did help me with the boys. He even took care of me like I always imagined a husband should. I have always believed that you should not be husband and wife if you couldn't be friends because let's face it, you need to like the person you decide to spend the rest of your life with. But what about that thing...that spark; the passion you're supposed to feel? Aren't you supposed to just know when you've found the right person? What about that feeling in the pit of my stomach; the one I got when I first met Sidney? I thought for sure that was the tell tale sign and I definitely haven't felt that with Max. Sure there was some...tension between us, especially lately when he hadn't exactly been subtle about his feelings. Maybe I owed it to myself and to him to find out. Maybe getting that 'feeling' wasn't the sign after all. Maybe it was just a sign of a passion that burns hot and bright but fizzles out in an instant.
"Hey, where were you just now?" his warm, sweet breath tickled my ear. "The service is over. Are you ready to go?"
"Can we just sit for a minute?"
"Umm, o...kay."
And there we sat, both staring straight ahead to where the priest had just delivered his beuatiful and touching sermon from. Something about this being the time for reflecting upon our lives; where we are and where we want to be.
"Go forward, make your place in this world. Open yourself up to all this life has to offer you and you shall not regret."
It was those words that forced me to ask the question.
"Maxie?"
"Oui bijou?"
"Do you love me?"
"Of course I love you bijou," he answered quickly with a tone of disbelief; like how could I doubt his feelings.
I finally turned to look at him. "No, I know you love me, but do you...I mean are you IN love with me?"
His blue eyes bore deep into mine and a slight smirk appeared on the corner of his lips.
"I thought I had been pretty clear about that bijou," he said quietly but never dropping his gaze. "Yes. Yes, I am in love with you."
"Hmmm," was all I could manage before turning and facing the front of the cathedral again.
Without looking at him I could tell his face was wrinkled with confusion and question; searching my own for answers but he didn't ask. Not right away. He knew me so well; knew I was a romantic at heart and he let me have the moment. The moment girls dream about when Prince Charming tells her he's in love with her for the first time. The moment that stays forever engraved in her memory. Then finally...
"Bijou? Are you going to say anything?"
I took a long, deep breath; stood up; held my hand out to him and said "let's go home."
His family began making their way to their pew and Max and I hung back.
"Is something wrong bijou?"
"No, nothing; I was just taking in this beautiful view."
"Hmm, me too," he replied quietly.
When I looked at him his blue eyes were looking at me causing me to blush.
"Shall we?" Max asked offering me his arm.
I didn't reply; just linked my arm through his and let him lead me towards the rest of the family.
"You know, I always thought when I walked down this aisle with a woman it would be with my wife on my wedding day," he whispered.
"Really?" I couldn't hide the surprise in my voice.
"Yes," he smirked. "I have actually thought about getting married; I want to, and I'd like a bunch of kids too...a whole hockey team I think."
After spending all this time with him and watching him with my own boys, this shouldn't have surprised me...but it did.
The service was beautiful; the choir heavenly. It was no surprise that both brought tears to my eyes on several occasions. And because he had taken it upon himself to take care of me lately, Max held my hand the entire time.
As much as I tried to pay attention, the conversation Lucie and I had earlier kept running through my mind.
Was she right? Was I ignoring what was right in front of me? I mean, we did spend every waking minute together. He did help me with the boys. He even took care of me like I always imagined a husband should. I have always believed that you should not be husband and wife if you couldn't be friends because let's face it, you need to like the person you decide to spend the rest of your life with. But what about that thing...that spark; the passion you're supposed to feel? Aren't you supposed to just know when you've found the right person? What about that feeling in the pit of my stomach; the one I got when I first met Sidney? I thought for sure that was the tell tale sign and I definitely haven't felt that with Max. Sure there was some...tension between us, especially lately when he hadn't exactly been subtle about his feelings. Maybe I owed it to myself and to him to find out. Maybe getting that 'feeling' wasn't the sign after all. Maybe it was just a sign of a passion that burns hot and bright but fizzles out in an instant.
"Hey, where were you just now?" his warm, sweet breath tickled my ear. "The service is over. Are you ready to go?"
"Can we just sit for a minute?"
"Umm, o...kay."
And there we sat, both staring straight ahead to where the priest had just delivered his beuatiful and touching sermon from. Something about this being the time for reflecting upon our lives; where we are and where we want to be.
"Go forward, make your place in this world. Open yourself up to all this life has to offer you and you shall not regret."
It was those words that forced me to ask the question.
"Maxie?"
"Oui bijou?"
"Do you love me?"
"Of course I love you bijou," he answered quickly with a tone of disbelief; like how could I doubt his feelings.
I finally turned to look at him. "No, I know you love me, but do you...I mean are you IN love with me?"
His blue eyes bore deep into mine and a slight smirk appeared on the corner of his lips.
"I thought I had been pretty clear about that bijou," he said quietly but never dropping his gaze. "Yes. Yes, I am in love with you."
"Hmmm," was all I could manage before turning and facing the front of the cathedral again.
Without looking at him I could tell his face was wrinkled with confusion and question; searching my own for answers but he didn't ask. Not right away. He knew me so well; knew I was a romantic at heart and he let me have the moment. The moment girls dream about when Prince Charming tells her he's in love with her for the first time. The moment that stays forever engraved in her memory. Then finally...
"Bijou? Are you going to say anything?"
I took a long, deep breath; stood up; held my hand out to him and said "let's go home."
Monday, October 24, 2011
Chapter 117
"Uncle Max, is Grandma Lucie going to pinch my cheeks til they hurt?" Jake asked from the backseat. We were driving from the airport to Max's parents house.
Max and I both kind of chuckled to ourselves before he answered the question.
"Probably pal but it just means that she loves you."
"Ahhh man!" Jake groaned and Max and I laughed again.
It's hard to explain the way things had been between Max and I the last few days. Sometimes it was awkward, almost strained; yet other times it was comfortable and normal, like it had always been.
Jake's voice pulled me from my thoughts.
"Mom, how come we don't have a grandma and grandpa?"
And there it was. One of the dreaded questions I knew was going to be asked one day; the other being about their father of course. So far, Jake had never asked and Alex seemed satisfied with the vague explanation I had given him.
Max sensed that I had tensed up and gave my hand a reassuring squeeze but didn't let go.
"Well...remember how we've talked about how sometimes mommies and daddies can't always take care of their kids and sometimes those kids have to go live with people who can take care of them like a family member or a foster family?"
"Yeah, did you live with a foster family mama?"
"No not exactly. My mommy and daddy couldn't take care of me so your uncle David and I lived with my Grandma Kate until she passed away."
"She died?"
"Yes, when I was about Alex's age, maybe a bit older."
"But that's not very old. Who took care of you after that?"
"Geez Jake what's with the 20 questions? Can't you just be quiet!"
"Alex! Don't be so rude! Your brother is curious about families right now and it's okay to ask questions. Jake honey, I was lucky enough that I had a friend who's family was willing to take care of me until I was able to take care of myself."
I knew this explanation could only lead to more questions: where is that family?, where is my dad?, who is my dad?. I feared every single one of them and my stomach hurt just thinking about it.
Max stroked his thumb over the back of my hand, letting me know it was going to be okay. In some ways, it was very reassuring and made me want to relax; but nothing he could do could save me from the questions my children were inevitably going to ask about my past.
I hated to ask but knew I had to.
"Do you have any other questions sweetheart?"
I held my breath; Max squeezed my hand and gave me a wink.
"Nnnooo," Jake hesitated. "But mama...I'm real glad someone took care of you and you weren't an orphan."
I exhaled slowly and let the wave of relief overtake my body. "Me too sweetie. Me too."
****************************************************
We were barely in the door before all four of us were covered in hugs and kisses and yes, the dreaded cheek pinching! No one was immune!
"Maxime, take Bekah's bags to Will's room and the boys will be in Frank's room."
"Oui maman."
It always made me chuckle how these big, strong, independent hockey players instantly turned into great big mushy mama's boys the second they were with their families.
Max returned only to have his mother instruct him on what he and his father should be doing with the boys. Us 'girls' went to the kitchen.
"So we will prepare dinner while the boys play; give us some girl time and after dinner we open one; sometimes more than one gift and get ready for midnight mass. Oh, are you even Catholic? Don't feel you have to come to mass with us, that is just our tradition. I don't want you to feel you have to go dear."
"Lucie, it's okay. We are not Catholic, but I'd like to go with you if that's allowed, I don't want to break any sort of rule or anything."
"Don't be silly dear, we welcome everyone, especially at this time of year."
"Then it's settled. The truth is, I really love the fact that you have strong family traditions that you're willing to let us be a part of. I've gotten too far away from my own traditions lately and I guess I sort of feel...well...lost."
"Mmm hmmm. Maxime has told me everything you have been through lately."
"He has?"
"Oui. I'm not sure you know this, but Maxime tells me everything; and I do mean everything. Sometimes I think he thinks I'm his priest - too much information if you know what I mean."
"Uh yeah, I get the picture," I replied feeling kind of awkward.
Lucie moved around me and I manoeuvred around her almost expertly, like we had prepared this meal together for years. It was comfortable and quiet, calm and honest. For the first time in a long time I felt like I was part of a 'normal' family. It was like coming home; at least what I thought coming home should feel like.
Lucie's voice pulled me from my thoughts.
"Did you hear me dear?"
"Sorry, no. I was...in la la land I guess."
"Can you hand me the platter that's on the table s'il vous plait."
"This is absolutely beautiful Lucie. I've never seen anything quite like it."
It was a huge white oval with a very intricate pattern of flowers and vines etched all the way around the edge of the porcelain platter.
"It was Serge's great great Grandmother's. It has been passed down every generation to one of the daughter-in-laws. Serge's mother passed it on to me and I will pass it on to one of my daughter-in-laws."
"But you already have a daughter-in-law."
"Yes, and some day I will have three. The tradition is not about passing it on to the first daughter-in-law, but to the right daughter-in-law."
"Isn't that kind of...discriminating? I mean, how to you chose who gets it? doesn't it cause tension between people?"
"It is just something that's understood. Sometimes you don't actually choose the person you're going to give it to, it just happens. There could be an event, a special occasion, or just a special moment and you just know. In that moment, you just know the right person to give it to. The person who will take care of it and keep the tradition going. Kind of like you just know when you meet the person you will spend the rest of your life with."
"Well, I wouldn't know anything about that now would I?"
"Oh I'm not so sure about that dear."
"Lucie..." I warned. "Why does every conversation we have always turn into talk about my love life? I'm sorry to inform you that there is nothing happening there so there is nothing to talk about."
"Really?" Lucie drawled, not sounding convinced in the least. "From what I understand you and Maxime had a, shall we say intense encounter not so long ago."
"Okay, I hate that Max tells you EVERYTHING! And for the record it was not intense it was just..."
"Intense!"
"A moment of weakness. A tiny moment that was almost overtaken by delusional fantasies that briefly entered a place they had no business being," I stated emphatically."
"Oh Bekah dear; let me be devil's advocate for a minute. Is it possible that this 'moment of delusional fantasy' is really your subconscious telling you what you really want; what you really need and you are just too afraid to admit it because you don't believe that you deserve to be happy?"
I was speechless. I had no words. I stood starring at this innocent-looking grandmother type in utter shock. She finally broke the silence.
"Oh come on, tell me you have never thought about Maxime as anything more than a friend?"
"Lucie I...I can't think of Max in that way. We have such a special friendship and I can't lose that. I wouldn't be able to recover if I lost him."
"Because he's there for you no matter what?"
"Always."
"And he takes care of you?"
"Yes."
"Cheers you up when you've had a bad day?"
"Yes."
"Takes care of the boys when you're at work; feeds them dinner, gets them to bed and always makes sure you are taken care of when you get home from a long day?"
"Yes."
"Who is the first person you call with good news?"
"Max."
"Who is the first person you call with bad news?"
"Max."
"I hate to tell you honey, you're married without the sex."
"It's not even like that!"
"What exactly do you think being married or being in a relationship is? You and Maxime are living it every day."
"I need to sit down," I said with a very shaky voice.
"Good, because dinner is served!"
Max and I both kind of chuckled to ourselves before he answered the question.
"Probably pal but it just means that she loves you."
"Ahhh man!" Jake groaned and Max and I laughed again.
It's hard to explain the way things had been between Max and I the last few days. Sometimes it was awkward, almost strained; yet other times it was comfortable and normal, like it had always been.
Jake's voice pulled me from my thoughts.
"Mom, how come we don't have a grandma and grandpa?"
And there it was. One of the dreaded questions I knew was going to be asked one day; the other being about their father of course. So far, Jake had never asked and Alex seemed satisfied with the vague explanation I had given him.
Max sensed that I had tensed up and gave my hand a reassuring squeeze but didn't let go.
"Well...remember how we've talked about how sometimes mommies and daddies can't always take care of their kids and sometimes those kids have to go live with people who can take care of them like a family member or a foster family?"
"Yeah, did you live with a foster family mama?"
"No not exactly. My mommy and daddy couldn't take care of me so your uncle David and I lived with my Grandma Kate until she passed away."
"She died?"
"Yes, when I was about Alex's age, maybe a bit older."
"But that's not very old. Who took care of you after that?"
"Geez Jake what's with the 20 questions? Can't you just be quiet!"
"Alex! Don't be so rude! Your brother is curious about families right now and it's okay to ask questions. Jake honey, I was lucky enough that I had a friend who's family was willing to take care of me until I was able to take care of myself."
I knew this explanation could only lead to more questions: where is that family?, where is my dad?, who is my dad?. I feared every single one of them and my stomach hurt just thinking about it.
Max stroked his thumb over the back of my hand, letting me know it was going to be okay. In some ways, it was very reassuring and made me want to relax; but nothing he could do could save me from the questions my children were inevitably going to ask about my past.
I hated to ask but knew I had to.
"Do you have any other questions sweetheart?"
I held my breath; Max squeezed my hand and gave me a wink.
"Nnnooo," Jake hesitated. "But mama...I'm real glad someone took care of you and you weren't an orphan."
I exhaled slowly and let the wave of relief overtake my body. "Me too sweetie. Me too."
****************************************************
We were barely in the door before all four of us were covered in hugs and kisses and yes, the dreaded cheek pinching! No one was immune!
"Maxime, take Bekah's bags to Will's room and the boys will be in Frank's room."
"Oui maman."
It always made me chuckle how these big, strong, independent hockey players instantly turned into great big mushy mama's boys the second they were with their families.
Max returned only to have his mother instruct him on what he and his father should be doing with the boys. Us 'girls' went to the kitchen.
"So we will prepare dinner while the boys play; give us some girl time and after dinner we open one; sometimes more than one gift and get ready for midnight mass. Oh, are you even Catholic? Don't feel you have to come to mass with us, that is just our tradition. I don't want you to feel you have to go dear."
"Lucie, it's okay. We are not Catholic, but I'd like to go with you if that's allowed, I don't want to break any sort of rule or anything."
"Don't be silly dear, we welcome everyone, especially at this time of year."
"Then it's settled. The truth is, I really love the fact that you have strong family traditions that you're willing to let us be a part of. I've gotten too far away from my own traditions lately and I guess I sort of feel...well...lost."
"Mmm hmmm. Maxime has told me everything you have been through lately."
"He has?"
"Oui. I'm not sure you know this, but Maxime tells me everything; and I do mean everything. Sometimes I think he thinks I'm his priest - too much information if you know what I mean."
"Uh yeah, I get the picture," I replied feeling kind of awkward.
Lucie moved around me and I manoeuvred around her almost expertly, like we had prepared this meal together for years. It was comfortable and quiet, calm and honest. For the first time in a long time I felt like I was part of a 'normal' family. It was like coming home; at least what I thought coming home should feel like.
Lucie's voice pulled me from my thoughts.
"Did you hear me dear?"
"Sorry, no. I was...in la la land I guess."
"Can you hand me the platter that's on the table s'il vous plait."
"This is absolutely beautiful Lucie. I've never seen anything quite like it."
It was a huge white oval with a very intricate pattern of flowers and vines etched all the way around the edge of the porcelain platter.
"It was Serge's great great Grandmother's. It has been passed down every generation to one of the daughter-in-laws. Serge's mother passed it on to me and I will pass it on to one of my daughter-in-laws."
"But you already have a daughter-in-law."
"Yes, and some day I will have three. The tradition is not about passing it on to the first daughter-in-law, but to the right daughter-in-law."
"Isn't that kind of...discriminating? I mean, how to you chose who gets it? doesn't it cause tension between people?"
"It is just something that's understood. Sometimes you don't actually choose the person you're going to give it to, it just happens. There could be an event, a special occasion, or just a special moment and you just know. In that moment, you just know the right person to give it to. The person who will take care of it and keep the tradition going. Kind of like you just know when you meet the person you will spend the rest of your life with."
"Well, I wouldn't know anything about that now would I?"
"Oh I'm not so sure about that dear."
"Lucie..." I warned. "Why does every conversation we have always turn into talk about my love life? I'm sorry to inform you that there is nothing happening there so there is nothing to talk about."
"Really?" Lucie drawled, not sounding convinced in the least. "From what I understand you and Maxime had a, shall we say intense encounter not so long ago."
"Okay, I hate that Max tells you EVERYTHING! And for the record it was not intense it was just..."
"Intense!"
"A moment of weakness. A tiny moment that was almost overtaken by delusional fantasies that briefly entered a place they had no business being," I stated emphatically."
"Oh Bekah dear; let me be devil's advocate for a minute. Is it possible that this 'moment of delusional fantasy' is really your subconscious telling you what you really want; what you really need and you are just too afraid to admit it because you don't believe that you deserve to be happy?"
I was speechless. I had no words. I stood starring at this innocent-looking grandmother type in utter shock. She finally broke the silence.
"Oh come on, tell me you have never thought about Maxime as anything more than a friend?"
"Lucie I...I can't think of Max in that way. We have such a special friendship and I can't lose that. I wouldn't be able to recover if I lost him."
"Because he's there for you no matter what?"
"Always."
"And he takes care of you?"
"Yes."
"Cheers you up when you've had a bad day?"
"Yes."
"Takes care of the boys when you're at work; feeds them dinner, gets them to bed and always makes sure you are taken care of when you get home from a long day?"
"Yes."
"Who is the first person you call with good news?"
"Max."
"Who is the first person you call with bad news?"
"Max."
"I hate to tell you honey, you're married without the sex."
"It's not even like that!"
"What exactly do you think being married or being in a relationship is? You and Maxime are living it every day."
"I need to sit down," I said with a very shaky voice.
"Good, because dinner is served!"
Sunday, October 2, 2011
FYI
Just a note to let y'all know that school id officially over for me...forever soooooo there will be lots of free time to write my stories.
The next chapter of Against All Odds is in progress and should be up this week and hopefully Love Lost and Found and Rocky Mountain Romance will soon follow.
Thank you to all of you faithful followers who have hung in there and still want to read these stories; I hope they don't disappoint!
Talk soon
~B~
The next chapter of Against All Odds is in progress and should be up this week and hopefully Love Lost and Found and Rocky Mountain Romance will soon follow.
Thank you to all of you faithful followers who have hung in there and still want to read these stories; I hope they don't disappoint!
Talk soon
~B~
Friday, June 17, 2011
Chapter 116
"What are you doing for Christmas?" Max asked.
"Preferably skipping it," I mumbled before saying "I don't know, haven't given it much thought."
"It's like a week away bijou. You saying you have no plans? What about the boys?"
"I have their gifts bought, that's about it. I just can't get into it this year. Frankly, I could care less if Christmas even happened. If it wasn't for the boys I'd probably just work."
"That's not right bijou; you love Christmas."
"Christmas just doesn't hold very good memories for me. Last year was...well you know what last year was, and now I'm alone again."
The look in Max's eyes was one of hurt. The normally loud and fun-loving Max was solumn and spoke barely above a whisper.
"I have been by your side every day since the break up," he began. "I've held you while you've cried for hours on end, I've wiped your tears and held your hand. I've taken care of everything the boys needed when you couldn't get out of bed because you were too sad. How can you say you are alone? You are not alone; I have been here for you through everything and the fact that you would even say that you're alone is very frustrating for me," he finished before getting up and going to the kitchen.
I felt like the last bit of life had been sucked out of me at that moment. When had I become that girl? The girl so obsessed with her own life she noticed nothing going on around her. The girl who needed a man to feel complete. The girl who could be so insensitive to her best friend who had just disappeared out of his own life to be by her side night and day because she'd turned into this unrecognizable puddle of mush. Damn you Crosby!
I slowly made my way to the kitchen to find Max, not knowing what I was going to say. He had his back towards the door, leaning against the counter with his arms spread out supporting his weight and his head hung between his broad shoulders. I approached slowly and ran my hand gently across his back, wrapped my arms around his waist and rested my head against his back. Max inhaled sharply but I didn't let go. We stood silently for what felt like forever before I loosened my grip and tried to turn him around to face me. He resisted.
"Max, please look at me."
He didn't.
"Please Max?" I whispered.
He took a deep breath before turning to face me and I was shocked at what I saw. His face was tear stained and his normally brilliant blue eyes were red-rimmed and a dull gray colour. My heart broke.
"Max, I am so so sorry. You have been totally amazing through this whole mess; giving up your own life to be here for me and the boys 24/7 and to say otherwise was completely insensitive. I didn't mean I was alone with no one to care about me, I just meant..."
"I know what you meant," he croaked out, "but it doesn't mean it didn't hurt."
"I would never, ever do or say anything to intentionally hurt you Max, I hope you know that," I began as tears flowed freely from my eyes once again.
"I do; I just...I'm just tired. I think I'm going to go home and go to bed."
"Max, don't leave like this. Didn't anyone ever tell you not to go to bed angry?" I smiled trying to lighten the mood a bit.
"I'll talk to you tomorrow okay," he said as he brushed by me on his way to the door.
'Fuck' I said to myself. 'Don't let him go when he's mad.'
"Max...wait!"
"Bijou, I just need to go. We will talk in the morning."
"I don't want you to go. Not tonight; not like this."
"What do you want?" he asked.
"I don't want you to go, not when you're mad. Just stay with me tonight."
"I don't think it's a good idea to stay with you."
"What are you talking about? You stay with me all the time."
"I know, but I just don't think it's a good idea tonight, right now I mean."
"Max, you're being ridiculous! We've shared a bed more times than I can count; probably more than S...more than Sidney and I ever did, that's for sure."
"Don't you think that might be a problem?"
"Of course it was a problem! Look, I don't want to talk about Sidney anymore tonight. Can we just go to bed?"
Max looked at me for a long time before letting out a huge sigh.
"You know I can't say no to you."
"That's what I was hoping for."
We laid in bed facing each other in complete darkness; the silence thick between us.
"I'm so sorry Max," I whispered, "I don't know what's happened to me."
"I don't know either. I just want the old Bekah back. The one whose smile lit up the room; the girl whose eyes made any star in the sky look dull; the one who laughed at every lame joke I ever told; the one who had a zest for life and couldn't wait to face the next challenge that came her way. Where's that girl. I want that girl back. That's the girl I l...that's the girl I miss."
"This is exactly the reason I never wanted to let anyone into my life. Nothing good could come of it."
"Nothing good?"
"What, like feeling this kind of pain is a good thing?"
"Of course not, but pain and sadness is not the only thing that came out of your relationship with Sidney."
"Really, because that's not what it feels like right now."
"And what about me? What about this right here? You and me. Let's not forget that I met you because of Sidney and if our relationship isn't something good then I am definitely in the wrong place."
"You are not in the wrong place Max," I said softly. "You are the best thing that's come out of this whole mess. I don't know how I would have gotten through the last year without you, or how to live life without you. I need you, I depend on you; too much sometimes I think."
"Everything you say I've done for you, you have done for me and more. Look at the life I was living..."
"Yeah fun and carefree is such a tough life. Doing whatever you want and not having to answer to anyone sounds like a rough gig."
"It's empty and meaningless. Not caring about anyone, sleeping with anything with a heartbeat is not only meaningless but dangerous and do you know who taught me that?"
"Me?"
"Yes you. You have given me so much bijou; a sense of belonging, the feeling that someone actually loves me for who I am and not what I am, the sense of being needed and the honor of being part of your family. I can never thank you for everything you've given me bijou."
"No Max, it's me that needs to thank you. You have been there for me no matter what, whether I'm right or wrong. You tell me the truth even if it's not what I want to hear. You give so much of yourself to me and my family and I am so thankful that the boys have such a strong and wonderful man to look up to. That means more to me than anything you could ever do for me.
"I love those boys and I'd do anything for them."
"I know, and they love you too.
"And their mother."
"And their mother loves you too."
The tension was thick between us. What was this feeling in the pit of my stomach? The gentle caress of his hand on my arm shook me from my thoughts. His hand moved north and gently stroked the side of my face.
"I hope you know how much I love you bijou."
I didn't answer; just put my hand on top of his own. I felt him move closer to me; so close I could feel his breath on my lips.
"Maxie?" I whispered.
"Oui chérie?"
"I...can't...we...can't..."
"Can't what?"
"Don't do this to me Max. You are the only constant in my life and I can't lose that."
"What if it only makes everything better?" he whispered as what I was sure were his lips brushed against mine."
"Love only complicates things Max. You are my rock and I don't know that I could continue to have this amazing friendship with you if I knew you wanted more. Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me this is my imagination and we are just Bekah and Max; best friends. Please Max, I can't lose this too."
There was a long pause before Max replied, and when he did the aura in the room had changed. For once I was glad I couldn't see his eyes.
"You are not losing anything bijou. It's you and me kid, two best friends navigating through this messy life together; that's all."
A wave of relief washed over my body and my mind.
"But you are getting out of this city. You and the boys are coming home with me for Christmas and it is not up for debate."
"Preferably skipping it," I mumbled before saying "I don't know, haven't given it much thought."
"It's like a week away bijou. You saying you have no plans? What about the boys?"
"I have their gifts bought, that's about it. I just can't get into it this year. Frankly, I could care less if Christmas even happened. If it wasn't for the boys I'd probably just work."
"That's not right bijou; you love Christmas."
"Christmas just doesn't hold very good memories for me. Last year was...well you know what last year was, and now I'm alone again."
The look in Max's eyes was one of hurt. The normally loud and fun-loving Max was solumn and spoke barely above a whisper.
"I have been by your side every day since the break up," he began. "I've held you while you've cried for hours on end, I've wiped your tears and held your hand. I've taken care of everything the boys needed when you couldn't get out of bed because you were too sad. How can you say you are alone? You are not alone; I have been here for you through everything and the fact that you would even say that you're alone is very frustrating for me," he finished before getting up and going to the kitchen.
I felt like the last bit of life had been sucked out of me at that moment. When had I become that girl? The girl so obsessed with her own life she noticed nothing going on around her. The girl who needed a man to feel complete. The girl who could be so insensitive to her best friend who had just disappeared out of his own life to be by her side night and day because she'd turned into this unrecognizable puddle of mush. Damn you Crosby!
I slowly made my way to the kitchen to find Max, not knowing what I was going to say. He had his back towards the door, leaning against the counter with his arms spread out supporting his weight and his head hung between his broad shoulders. I approached slowly and ran my hand gently across his back, wrapped my arms around his waist and rested my head against his back. Max inhaled sharply but I didn't let go. We stood silently for what felt like forever before I loosened my grip and tried to turn him around to face me. He resisted.
"Max, please look at me."
He didn't.
"Please Max?" I whispered.
He took a deep breath before turning to face me and I was shocked at what I saw. His face was tear stained and his normally brilliant blue eyes were red-rimmed and a dull gray colour. My heart broke.
"Max, I am so so sorry. You have been totally amazing through this whole mess; giving up your own life to be here for me and the boys 24/7 and to say otherwise was completely insensitive. I didn't mean I was alone with no one to care about me, I just meant..."
"I know what you meant," he croaked out, "but it doesn't mean it didn't hurt."
"I would never, ever do or say anything to intentionally hurt you Max, I hope you know that," I began as tears flowed freely from my eyes once again.
"I do; I just...I'm just tired. I think I'm going to go home and go to bed."
"Max, don't leave like this. Didn't anyone ever tell you not to go to bed angry?" I smiled trying to lighten the mood a bit.
"I'll talk to you tomorrow okay," he said as he brushed by me on his way to the door.
'Fuck' I said to myself. 'Don't let him go when he's mad.'
"Max...wait!"
"Bijou, I just need to go. We will talk in the morning."
"I don't want you to go. Not tonight; not like this."
"What do you want?" he asked.
"I don't want you to go, not when you're mad. Just stay with me tonight."
"I don't think it's a good idea to stay with you."
"What are you talking about? You stay with me all the time."
"I know, but I just don't think it's a good idea tonight, right now I mean."
"Max, you're being ridiculous! We've shared a bed more times than I can count; probably more than S...more than Sidney and I ever did, that's for sure."
"Don't you think that might be a problem?"
"Of course it was a problem! Look, I don't want to talk about Sidney anymore tonight. Can we just go to bed?"
Max looked at me for a long time before letting out a huge sigh.
"You know I can't say no to you."
"That's what I was hoping for."
We laid in bed facing each other in complete darkness; the silence thick between us.
"I'm so sorry Max," I whispered, "I don't know what's happened to me."
"I don't know either. I just want the old Bekah back. The one whose smile lit up the room; the girl whose eyes made any star in the sky look dull; the one who laughed at every lame joke I ever told; the one who had a zest for life and couldn't wait to face the next challenge that came her way. Where's that girl. I want that girl back. That's the girl I l...that's the girl I miss."
"This is exactly the reason I never wanted to let anyone into my life. Nothing good could come of it."
"Nothing good?"
"What, like feeling this kind of pain is a good thing?"
"Of course not, but pain and sadness is not the only thing that came out of your relationship with Sidney."
"Really, because that's not what it feels like right now."
"And what about me? What about this right here? You and me. Let's not forget that I met you because of Sidney and if our relationship isn't something good then I am definitely in the wrong place."
"You are not in the wrong place Max," I said softly. "You are the best thing that's come out of this whole mess. I don't know how I would have gotten through the last year without you, or how to live life without you. I need you, I depend on you; too much sometimes I think."
"Everything you say I've done for you, you have done for me and more. Look at the life I was living..."
"Yeah fun and carefree is such a tough life. Doing whatever you want and not having to answer to anyone sounds like a rough gig."
"It's empty and meaningless. Not caring about anyone, sleeping with anything with a heartbeat is not only meaningless but dangerous and do you know who taught me that?"
"Me?"
"Yes you. You have given me so much bijou; a sense of belonging, the feeling that someone actually loves me for who I am and not what I am, the sense of being needed and the honor of being part of your family. I can never thank you for everything you've given me bijou."
"No Max, it's me that needs to thank you. You have been there for me no matter what, whether I'm right or wrong. You tell me the truth even if it's not what I want to hear. You give so much of yourself to me and my family and I am so thankful that the boys have such a strong and wonderful man to look up to. That means more to me than anything you could ever do for me.
"I love those boys and I'd do anything for them."
"I know, and they love you too.
"And their mother."
"And their mother loves you too."
The tension was thick between us. What was this feeling in the pit of my stomach? The gentle caress of his hand on my arm shook me from my thoughts. His hand moved north and gently stroked the side of my face.
"I hope you know how much I love you bijou."
I didn't answer; just put my hand on top of his own. I felt him move closer to me; so close I could feel his breath on my lips.
"Maxie?" I whispered.
"Oui chérie?"
"I...can't...we...can't..."
"Can't what?"
"Don't do this to me Max. You are the only constant in my life and I can't lose that."
"What if it only makes everything better?" he whispered as what I was sure were his lips brushed against mine."
"Love only complicates things Max. You are my rock and I don't know that I could continue to have this amazing friendship with you if I knew you wanted more. Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me this is my imagination and we are just Bekah and Max; best friends. Please Max, I can't lose this too."
There was a long pause before Max replied, and when he did the aura in the room had changed. For once I was glad I couldn't see his eyes.
"You are not losing anything bijou. It's you and me kid, two best friends navigating through this messy life together; that's all."
A wave of relief washed over my body and my mind.
"But you are getting out of this city. You and the boys are coming home with me for Christmas and it is not up for debate."
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Chapter 115
I'm back did ya miss me? Letang story is updated too!
"You miss me too."
I couldn't tell if it was a statement or a question.
"Yes, Sidney of course I miss you. I've missed you for the last three months," I said in a lower voice.
"Can we go somewhere and talk?"
I gave him a slight nod before turning to face Sam.
"Do you think you can stay out of trouble for a few minutes?"
"Trouble's my middle name babe!"
"You have been spending too much time with Talbot," I whispered quietly in his ear before kissing the top of his head.
That cheeky grin was his only response.
"See ya Sid! Thanks for coming to see me!"
"No problem Sam, I'll see you again soon okay?"
"OKAY!"
"I don't think you should be saying things like that unless you can back them up. It will break his heart when you don't show up again," I said through pursed lips as we left Sam's room.
"Who said I won't show up?"
"Well forgive me Sidney, but you don't have a very good track record."
"When I say I'm going to do something I do it."
"Except when it comes to me is that it?"
"Can we do this somewhere a little more private?"
"Right, wouldn't want to tarnish your golden reputation," I replied snidely. "In here," I ordered opening the door to the nurses lounge.
"No one will bother us in here, there's no one due for break for another 2 hours."
I poured us both a cup of coffee and sat across the table from Sidney.
"You wanted to talk so talk," I said.
He didn't know where to start. He'd been waiting a week to get this chance and now there were no words coming to him. It didn't help that Bekah was just staring at him with absolutely no sparkle in her eye. 'When did that go away?' he thought.
"Okay, I'll start," I said breaking the silence. "I don't think we have anything left to talk about Sidney. I've said everything I have to say."
"Well maybe I haven't. You're not the only one in this relationship Beks."
"You could have fooled me! I've been the only one in this relationship for months!"
"That's not fair."
"It may not be fair but it's a fact. Anything left to say will just be beating a dead horse."
"So that's it? You've said what you have to say and that's the end of it? You get to decide this relationship is over and I don't get a say?"
"What's the point? We've had this conversation more times than I can count and nothing ever changes. You say you know you screwed up and you just need a chance to prove yourself and then nothing. Nothing changes. You can't change."
"Beks, I know I haven't done a very good job at managing the hockey life and my personal life, but I can do better. I will do better."
"Why? Why now Sidney? You've been saying that you'll do better since we left Nova Scotia. Why should I believe you now?"
"Because I was taking you for granted before. I knew we loved each other and I just assumed that would be enough; that you loved me enough to stick with me. We've been through so much; you've been through so much to even let me in your life, I didn't think it would be so easy for you to throw it away."
"Easy! You think this was easy? I have been agonizing over this for two months! Every time you said you were coming over and then you didn't show up; every time we had plans and I sat waiting for hours because you got held up at a photo shoot or an interview or a charity thing. When I asked you to come and meet Sam and you couldn't just do it as a favour it had to be about business. Every time I've had to sit at home while the other wags got to attend team functions with their men because the world would come to an end if people knew you had a girlfriend. You think that's easy? Don't you dare tell me this was an easy decision. I still didn't throw in the towel after fighting about Thanksgiving. I tried the compromise - I told myself if you made any kind of effort, if you showed up just to decorate the tree, or if you showed up after dinner then maybe we had a chance; maybe I was some sort of priority for you. But you didn't. You had to wait until everyone was asleep before sneaking out of the house - That doesn't exactly scream 'you're important to me!' That was the last straw. I can't keep being the least important person in your life; it's not fair to me and it's not fair to you."
"But that's not the way it is - you are important to me. You are the only person I can really be myself around; the only one who gets me. You keep me sane when everything around me is out of my control. Do you have any idea how much I need that? How much I need you?"
"No, I don't! How would I? Oh right, maybe because of all the time we spend together. Or maybe because we talk so often. Oh no wait! I has to be because you actually tell me! When was the last time you told me you love me Sid?"
"Just now in Sam's room."
"And before that?"
"I tell you I love you all the time, every time we talk."
"September 27. That was the last time you actually said the words I love you to me. Ever since then I tell you I love you and your response is always the same: 'Yeah, me too babe.' How do you think that makes me feel?"
"I don't... I haven't...been doing that have I?"
"That's exactly what I mean. You don't even know what you've been doing Sidney. I know it's not what you want to hear, but let's just have the courage to say enough is enough. You have no room for me in your life and if there's anything I've learned from you it's not to settle for anything less than 100%. I think we need to just walk away before we end up hating each other."
Sidney got on his knees in front of me and held my hands. It was the first time I'd ever felt his hands be cold.
"I could never hate you," he whispered. "I know you don't believe me, but I love you, more than you could ever know. I know I haven't done a very good job at showing you or telling you, but I do, I love you and I know you love me. We can work through this. I don't want to lose you; I can't lose you."
His head was down in my lap and it didn't take a genius to figure out that the normally quiet and reserved Sidney was doing his best to keep his emotions on the same path, with little success. His sob took me by surprise more than it did him and once again I was feeling that tug at my heartstrings.
"Sidney, look at me."
His golden orbes looked up at me through tear soaked eyelashes, pleading with me not to say the words that he knew were coming.
"I do love you Sidney, and I know in your own way you love me too, but let's face it; love just isn't enough. We can't keep doing this to each other. I love you enough to know that I am not what's best for you right now, so I'm letting you go before we hurt each other anymore."
"No, this can't be the end Beks," he sobbed.
"It has to be Sidney."
He took a few moments to pull himself together before speaking again.
"What will you tell the boys?"
I was a little caught off guard by his question.
"The truth I guess."
"I want them to know that I love them and I will still be there for them any time they need me; they can call me anytime. I mean it, anytime."
"I will make sure they know that."
"I can't believe this is happening. How am I supposed to walk away from the best thing that ever happened to me?"
"Because it's the right thing to do."
"How does this work? I mean are we still friends, are we still going to talk, can I still call you sometimes?"
"Sidney, being just friends was never our strong suit. I think a clean break is best; no phone calls or anything like that."
"So I'm just supposed to pretend that we never happened?"
"No, not at all. There's so much I think we've learned from each other. I know I will hold onto that and I hope you do too. And maybe someday I'll be at the point where we can be friends and talk once in a while, but right now, I just need a clean break and time. I hope you can understand that. To offer anything more would just be too hard for me Sidney. I need time to heal."
"So that's it then?"
I nodded.
He turned to walk away from me for the last time, but stopped himself.
"For what it's worth, I am sorry."
"I know, me too," I whispered.
He took my face in his strong hands, now trembling and placed the sweetest kiss on my lips. When we parted his voice was barely above a whisper.
"I will never stop loving you Beks. Never."
And after entering my life over a year before like a lightening bolt, he exited like a gentle wind with barely enough strength to blow out a candle.
"You miss me too."
I couldn't tell if it was a statement or a question.
"Yes, Sidney of course I miss you. I've missed you for the last three months," I said in a lower voice.
"Can we go somewhere and talk?"
I gave him a slight nod before turning to face Sam.
"Do you think you can stay out of trouble for a few minutes?"
"Trouble's my middle name babe!"
"You have been spending too much time with Talbot," I whispered quietly in his ear before kissing the top of his head.
That cheeky grin was his only response.
"See ya Sid! Thanks for coming to see me!"
"No problem Sam, I'll see you again soon okay?"
"OKAY!"
"I don't think you should be saying things like that unless you can back them up. It will break his heart when you don't show up again," I said through pursed lips as we left Sam's room.
"Who said I won't show up?"
"Well forgive me Sidney, but you don't have a very good track record."
"When I say I'm going to do something I do it."
"Except when it comes to me is that it?"
"Can we do this somewhere a little more private?"
"Right, wouldn't want to tarnish your golden reputation," I replied snidely. "In here," I ordered opening the door to the nurses lounge.
"No one will bother us in here, there's no one due for break for another 2 hours."
I poured us both a cup of coffee and sat across the table from Sidney.
"You wanted to talk so talk," I said.
He didn't know where to start. He'd been waiting a week to get this chance and now there were no words coming to him. It didn't help that Bekah was just staring at him with absolutely no sparkle in her eye. 'When did that go away?' he thought.
"Okay, I'll start," I said breaking the silence. "I don't think we have anything left to talk about Sidney. I've said everything I have to say."
"Well maybe I haven't. You're not the only one in this relationship Beks."
"You could have fooled me! I've been the only one in this relationship for months!"
"That's not fair."
"It may not be fair but it's a fact. Anything left to say will just be beating a dead horse."
"So that's it? You've said what you have to say and that's the end of it? You get to decide this relationship is over and I don't get a say?"
"What's the point? We've had this conversation more times than I can count and nothing ever changes. You say you know you screwed up and you just need a chance to prove yourself and then nothing. Nothing changes. You can't change."
"Beks, I know I haven't done a very good job at managing the hockey life and my personal life, but I can do better. I will do better."
"Why? Why now Sidney? You've been saying that you'll do better since we left Nova Scotia. Why should I believe you now?"
"Because I was taking you for granted before. I knew we loved each other and I just assumed that would be enough; that you loved me enough to stick with me. We've been through so much; you've been through so much to even let me in your life, I didn't think it would be so easy for you to throw it away."
"Easy! You think this was easy? I have been agonizing over this for two months! Every time you said you were coming over and then you didn't show up; every time we had plans and I sat waiting for hours because you got held up at a photo shoot or an interview or a charity thing. When I asked you to come and meet Sam and you couldn't just do it as a favour it had to be about business. Every time I've had to sit at home while the other wags got to attend team functions with their men because the world would come to an end if people knew you had a girlfriend. You think that's easy? Don't you dare tell me this was an easy decision. I still didn't throw in the towel after fighting about Thanksgiving. I tried the compromise - I told myself if you made any kind of effort, if you showed up just to decorate the tree, or if you showed up after dinner then maybe we had a chance; maybe I was some sort of priority for you. But you didn't. You had to wait until everyone was asleep before sneaking out of the house - That doesn't exactly scream 'you're important to me!' That was the last straw. I can't keep being the least important person in your life; it's not fair to me and it's not fair to you."
"But that's not the way it is - you are important to me. You are the only person I can really be myself around; the only one who gets me. You keep me sane when everything around me is out of my control. Do you have any idea how much I need that? How much I need you?"
"No, I don't! How would I? Oh right, maybe because of all the time we spend together. Or maybe because we talk so often. Oh no wait! I has to be because you actually tell me! When was the last time you told me you love me Sid?"
"Just now in Sam's room."
"And before that?"
"I tell you I love you all the time, every time we talk."
"September 27. That was the last time you actually said the words I love you to me. Ever since then I tell you I love you and your response is always the same: 'Yeah, me too babe.' How do you think that makes me feel?"
"I don't... I haven't...been doing that have I?"
"That's exactly what I mean. You don't even know what you've been doing Sidney. I know it's not what you want to hear, but let's just have the courage to say enough is enough. You have no room for me in your life and if there's anything I've learned from you it's not to settle for anything less than 100%. I think we need to just walk away before we end up hating each other."
Sidney got on his knees in front of me and held my hands. It was the first time I'd ever felt his hands be cold.
"I could never hate you," he whispered. "I know you don't believe me, but I love you, more than you could ever know. I know I haven't done a very good job at showing you or telling you, but I do, I love you and I know you love me. We can work through this. I don't want to lose you; I can't lose you."
His head was down in my lap and it didn't take a genius to figure out that the normally quiet and reserved Sidney was doing his best to keep his emotions on the same path, with little success. His sob took me by surprise more than it did him and once again I was feeling that tug at my heartstrings.
"Sidney, look at me."
His golden orbes looked up at me through tear soaked eyelashes, pleading with me not to say the words that he knew were coming.
"I do love you Sidney, and I know in your own way you love me too, but let's face it; love just isn't enough. We can't keep doing this to each other. I love you enough to know that I am not what's best for you right now, so I'm letting you go before we hurt each other anymore."
"No, this can't be the end Beks," he sobbed.
"It has to be Sidney."
He took a few moments to pull himself together before speaking again.
"What will you tell the boys?"
I was a little caught off guard by his question.
"The truth I guess."
"I want them to know that I love them and I will still be there for them any time they need me; they can call me anytime. I mean it, anytime."
"I will make sure they know that."
"I can't believe this is happening. How am I supposed to walk away from the best thing that ever happened to me?"
"Because it's the right thing to do."
"How does this work? I mean are we still friends, are we still going to talk, can I still call you sometimes?"
"Sidney, being just friends was never our strong suit. I think a clean break is best; no phone calls or anything like that."
"So I'm just supposed to pretend that we never happened?"
"No, not at all. There's so much I think we've learned from each other. I know I will hold onto that and I hope you do too. And maybe someday I'll be at the point where we can be friends and talk once in a while, but right now, I just need a clean break and time. I hope you can understand that. To offer anything more would just be too hard for me Sidney. I need time to heal."
"So that's it then?"
I nodded.
He turned to walk away from me for the last time, but stopped himself.
"For what it's worth, I am sorry."
"I know, me too," I whispered.
He took my face in his strong hands, now trembling and placed the sweetest kiss on my lips. When we parted his voice was barely above a whisper.
"I will never stop loving you Beks. Never."
And after entering my life over a year before like a lightening bolt, he exited like a gentle wind with barely enough strength to blow out a candle.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
FYI
Updates are coming soon to all 3 of my stories soon...I hope within the next week or so. Thank you all for being so patient and sticking with me. I write as a sort of therapy for myself and hopefully as entertainment for you. I can't thank y'all enough for reading and commenting; I love them and without you to read them, there would be no stories! Stay tuned...
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Chapter 114
An early Christmas gift my lovelies!
"Oh my god, what happened to you?"
"Your boyfriend happened. Actually his right hook. I didn't even know the kid knew how to throw a punch!"
"Come in so we can get some ice on it."
Max followed me to the kitchen so I could grab an ice pack and put it on his now very bruised eye. He winced when the ice went on and I couldn't tell if it was because of the cold or because he was in pain.
"I can't believe Sidney did this, Max I'm sorry."
"So I'm guessing that the talk didn't go so well?" he chuckled.
"You could say that. It's over Max. I ended it."
The silence was heavy in the room.
"Wow...I...don't really know what to say. For real? You and the kid are done?"
"Mmm hmm. I just can't do it anymore Max. Yesterday was it for me. I told myself if he came through and showed up, then he was making an effort and we could work it out. But he didn't. He couldn't even pick up the phone Max," I managed through my now free flowing tears.
"Come here bijou," Max said taking me in a comforting embrace. "This is not what you really want is it?" he questioned.
"I don't know Max."
"Well I do. You love him yes?"
"Of course I do."
"Then you should work it out. Frankly I'm a little surprised bijou, it's not like you to give up on something. You are not a quitter."
"I know what you're trying to do with this reverse psychology bullshit and it's not going to work. And I'm not the one who quit. Sidney quit on this relationship a long time ago. I'm not going to try and fight for something that isn't there and I'm certainly not going to be his doormat anymore. I've been down that road and I'm not going back."
"This is hardly the same thing and you know it. Sid would never hurt you like that."
"Physically no, but emotionally is it any different? You know what this relationship has bee like Max; what am I supposed to do, just let it keep going the way it is? That's not fair; to me, Sid, or the boys."
"No, it doesn't have to stay the same. Make him work for it. Maybe him thinking he has lost you will be enough to scare him and he'll pull his head out of his ass. I think he at least deserves the chance to prove himself. If you give him that chance and he still fails, then it's on him. At least you will know that you've done everything possible to make it work."
"Why are you defending him after he did that to your face?"
"I'm not defending him, I'm protecting you. I know you don't really want to end this bijou. I know how much you love him; and I think my black eye is proof of how much he loves you."
"Or how barbaric he is."
"Bijou?"
"I don't know. I didn't just decide this in a split second Max; I've given it alot of thought. It's all I've been thinking about. I just don't see a happy ending in our future."
*********************************
He knew it probably wasn't a good idea, but he had decided a week ago that this was going to be the day, and if you could say one thing about him it was that he did what he said he was going to do.
"What the hell are you doing here?"
"Hey Lily. I'm here to see..."
"Well don't bother. She doesn't want to see you. Besides, she's not here," Lily snarled.
"I know," he said solemnly. "She's made that pretty clear by not returning any of my phone calls or messages."
"What do you expect Crosby? You didn't leave her much of a choice."
"I don't know. I guess I expected her to at least give me a chance to redeem myself."
"Well, she hasn't really found anything redeeming about you lately."
"Trust me Lily, I don't need to get the gears from you too okay. I know I'm an ass and I know I screwed up, unfortunately I think it's too late to do anything about it."
Lily soaked in the pitiful sight before her and for a brief moment, almost felt sorry for him...almost.
"Well, you look like shit."
"How do you expect me to look when I just lost the only girl I've ever loved?" he said calmly.
"Honestly? I figured you'd just move on with being 'Sidney Crosby'. I didn't think not having Bekah around would phase you much; it's really no different then when you were together."
"Okay Lily, I get it. I don't need you rubbing salt in the wound; it hurts, trust me."
"Fine, no more jabs."
"Thank you," Sidney sighed.
He'd gotten raked over the coals by just about everyone in his life over the past seven days. Seven days, nine hours and thirty-six minutes to be exact. The team, the wags, Nat and Mario, his mother, all four Lemieux kids, Taylor, his mother, Nat, his mother, Mario, and Nat. The only ones who didn't tell him what an ass he was and how he really screwed up was his dad and Max. Neither of them talked to him at all. When he hadn't heard from Bekah, he even resorted to apologizing to Max and asking him if she was okay.
Max hadn't responded; just snickered and walked away and Sidney didn't really blame him. He sure had got himself into quite a mess, and he wasn't sure how he was going to get out.
"So if you're not here to see Bekah, what are you doing here?" Lily asked snapping him out of his self-loathing.
"Umm, before everything happened, I told myself when we got back from the road trip I was going to come and meet Sam, so here I am."
"Now you're going to use the kid to try and get Bekah back? That's kinda low Crosby."
"It's not about her. I said I was going to do it and I don't back out. I'm doing this for Sam and for me."
"Not sure I believe you but, whatever floats your boat."
"I don't want to upset her anymore, that's why I came when she wasn't here. So can you just tell me where to find him?"
She looked at him suspiciously, not sure if she should let this happen, but here extremely well hidden soft side took over.
"Down this hall, last door on the left."
"Thanks Lily, I appreciate it."
Lily half smiled and left in the opposite direction.
********************************
"Hey Sammy, how's my favourite quarterback do...." she stopped dead in her tracks as she rounded the corner into Sam's room.
"Sidney, what are you doing here?" she asked, her voice barely audible.
"He came to see me! Me Bekah! Sidney Crosby came here to see me and if I wasn't so excited I would be really really mad at you."
"Mad at me? Why?"
"Sidney Crosby is the secret boyfriend you've been keeping from me?"
"I umm, he's umm..."
"It's not her fault," Sidney interjected. "It's mine. I made her promise not to tell anyone, so you can be mad at me."
"I would never be mad at you, you're Sidney Crosby!" Sam exclaimed.
"Oh thanks alot! Who's the one taking care of you here?"
"I'm not really mad at you, I just can't believe that you are actually Sidney Crosby's girlfriend! That is so awesome!"
"Well, I'm not actually his girlfriend anymore Sam."
"What!" Sam shrieked. "Are you crazy? Why not?"
"Sam, that's grown up stuff; and besides, it's none of your business," I scolded.
"Actually bud, that's my fault again."
"Ahh man. What did you do? Did you cheat?"
"No. It's not really what I did, but what I didn't do."
"Did you hurt her?"
"No."
"Forget her birthday?"
"No," Sidney kind of chuckled.
"So if you didn't cheat, and you didn't hurt her, and you didn't forget her birthday, I don't get it. Why isn't he your boyfriend anymore," he now directed at me.
"I am not having this conversation with you Sam."
"Don't you love him anymore?"
His question took me by surprise and from the look on Sidney's face, it surprised him too. That look of surprise was replaced with one of anticipation soon after.
And there it was. The question of the hour. A million things went through my mind in a split second. 'Do I still love him?' 'What do I do? Tell the truth? Lie? Both of them would see right through a lie.
"It wasn't a trick question Bekah. Do you love the guy or what?"
There were very few people who could make my heart melt with just a look, but two such people were starring into my soul waiting for an answer.
"Yes Sam, I love him very much."
"Do you love her Sid?"
"More than anything," he answered quickly.
"More that scoring a game winning goal?"
"Yes."
"More that scoring a hat trick?"
"Yes.
"More than playing hockey period?"
"Let call that one a tie," he tried to joke.
"Then what's the problem? You love him and he loves you so..."
Sidney got up from the chair beside Sam's bed and walked over to where I was standing.
"I'm miserable Beks. I miss you so much," he said quietly.
Again, two pairs of melt-your-heart eyes starring at me; anticipating what I was going to say.
"I miss you too Sidney."
"Oh my god, what happened to you?"
"Your boyfriend happened. Actually his right hook. I didn't even know the kid knew how to throw a punch!"
"Come in so we can get some ice on it."
Max followed me to the kitchen so I could grab an ice pack and put it on his now very bruised eye. He winced when the ice went on and I couldn't tell if it was because of the cold or because he was in pain.
"I can't believe Sidney did this, Max I'm sorry."
"So I'm guessing that the talk didn't go so well?" he chuckled.
"You could say that. It's over Max. I ended it."
The silence was heavy in the room.
"Wow...I...don't really know what to say. For real? You and the kid are done?"
"Mmm hmm. I just can't do it anymore Max. Yesterday was it for me. I told myself if he came through and showed up, then he was making an effort and we could work it out. But he didn't. He couldn't even pick up the phone Max," I managed through my now free flowing tears.
"Come here bijou," Max said taking me in a comforting embrace. "This is not what you really want is it?" he questioned.
"I don't know Max."
"Well I do. You love him yes?"
"Of course I do."
"Then you should work it out. Frankly I'm a little surprised bijou, it's not like you to give up on something. You are not a quitter."
"I know what you're trying to do with this reverse psychology bullshit and it's not going to work. And I'm not the one who quit. Sidney quit on this relationship a long time ago. I'm not going to try and fight for something that isn't there and I'm certainly not going to be his doormat anymore. I've been down that road and I'm not going back."
"This is hardly the same thing and you know it. Sid would never hurt you like that."
"Physically no, but emotionally is it any different? You know what this relationship has bee like Max; what am I supposed to do, just let it keep going the way it is? That's not fair; to me, Sid, or the boys."
"No, it doesn't have to stay the same. Make him work for it. Maybe him thinking he has lost you will be enough to scare him and he'll pull his head out of his ass. I think he at least deserves the chance to prove himself. If you give him that chance and he still fails, then it's on him. At least you will know that you've done everything possible to make it work."
"Why are you defending him after he did that to your face?"
"I'm not defending him, I'm protecting you. I know you don't really want to end this bijou. I know how much you love him; and I think my black eye is proof of how much he loves you."
"Or how barbaric he is."
"Bijou?"
"I don't know. I didn't just decide this in a split second Max; I've given it alot of thought. It's all I've been thinking about. I just don't see a happy ending in our future."
*********************************
He knew it probably wasn't a good idea, but he had decided a week ago that this was going to be the day, and if you could say one thing about him it was that he did what he said he was going to do.
"What the hell are you doing here?"
"Hey Lily. I'm here to see..."
"Well don't bother. She doesn't want to see you. Besides, she's not here," Lily snarled.
"I know," he said solemnly. "She's made that pretty clear by not returning any of my phone calls or messages."
"What do you expect Crosby? You didn't leave her much of a choice."
"I don't know. I guess I expected her to at least give me a chance to redeem myself."
"Well, she hasn't really found anything redeeming about you lately."
"Trust me Lily, I don't need to get the gears from you too okay. I know I'm an ass and I know I screwed up, unfortunately I think it's too late to do anything about it."
Lily soaked in the pitiful sight before her and for a brief moment, almost felt sorry for him...almost.
"Well, you look like shit."
"How do you expect me to look when I just lost the only girl I've ever loved?" he said calmly.
"Honestly? I figured you'd just move on with being 'Sidney Crosby'. I didn't think not having Bekah around would phase you much; it's really no different then when you were together."
"Okay Lily, I get it. I don't need you rubbing salt in the wound; it hurts, trust me."
"Fine, no more jabs."
"Thank you," Sidney sighed.
He'd gotten raked over the coals by just about everyone in his life over the past seven days. Seven days, nine hours and thirty-six minutes to be exact. The team, the wags, Nat and Mario, his mother, all four Lemieux kids, Taylor, his mother, Nat, his mother, Mario, and Nat. The only ones who didn't tell him what an ass he was and how he really screwed up was his dad and Max. Neither of them talked to him at all. When he hadn't heard from Bekah, he even resorted to apologizing to Max and asking him if she was okay.
Max hadn't responded; just snickered and walked away and Sidney didn't really blame him. He sure had got himself into quite a mess, and he wasn't sure how he was going to get out.
"So if you're not here to see Bekah, what are you doing here?" Lily asked snapping him out of his self-loathing.
"Umm, before everything happened, I told myself when we got back from the road trip I was going to come and meet Sam, so here I am."
"Now you're going to use the kid to try and get Bekah back? That's kinda low Crosby."
"It's not about her. I said I was going to do it and I don't back out. I'm doing this for Sam and for me."
"Not sure I believe you but, whatever floats your boat."
"I don't want to upset her anymore, that's why I came when she wasn't here. So can you just tell me where to find him?"
She looked at him suspiciously, not sure if she should let this happen, but here extremely well hidden soft side took over.
"Down this hall, last door on the left."
"Thanks Lily, I appreciate it."
Lily half smiled and left in the opposite direction.
********************************
"Hey Sammy, how's my favourite quarterback do...." she stopped dead in her tracks as she rounded the corner into Sam's room.
"Sidney, what are you doing here?" she asked, her voice barely audible.
"He came to see me! Me Bekah! Sidney Crosby came here to see me and if I wasn't so excited I would be really really mad at you."
"Mad at me? Why?"
"Sidney Crosby is the secret boyfriend you've been keeping from me?"
"I umm, he's umm..."
"It's not her fault," Sidney interjected. "It's mine. I made her promise not to tell anyone, so you can be mad at me."
"I would never be mad at you, you're Sidney Crosby!" Sam exclaimed.
"Oh thanks alot! Who's the one taking care of you here?"
"I'm not really mad at you, I just can't believe that you are actually Sidney Crosby's girlfriend! That is so awesome!"
"Well, I'm not actually his girlfriend anymore Sam."
"What!" Sam shrieked. "Are you crazy? Why not?"
"Sam, that's grown up stuff; and besides, it's none of your business," I scolded.
"Actually bud, that's my fault again."
"Ahh man. What did you do? Did you cheat?"
"No. It's not really what I did, but what I didn't do."
"Did you hurt her?"
"No."
"Forget her birthday?"
"No," Sidney kind of chuckled.
"So if you didn't cheat, and you didn't hurt her, and you didn't forget her birthday, I don't get it. Why isn't he your boyfriend anymore," he now directed at me.
"I am not having this conversation with you Sam."
"Don't you love him anymore?"
His question took me by surprise and from the look on Sidney's face, it surprised him too. That look of surprise was replaced with one of anticipation soon after.
And there it was. The question of the hour. A million things went through my mind in a split second. 'Do I still love him?' 'What do I do? Tell the truth? Lie? Both of them would see right through a lie.
"It wasn't a trick question Bekah. Do you love the guy or what?"
There were very few people who could make my heart melt with just a look, but two such people were starring into my soul waiting for an answer.
"Yes Sam, I love him very much."
"Do you love her Sid?"
"More than anything," he answered quickly.
"More that scoring a game winning goal?"
"Yes."
"More that scoring a hat trick?"
"Yes.
"More than playing hockey period?"
"Let call that one a tie," he tried to joke.
"Then what's the problem? You love him and he loves you so..."
Sidney got up from the chair beside Sam's bed and walked over to where I was standing.
"I'm miserable Beks. I miss you so much," he said quietly.
Again, two pairs of melt-your-heart eyes starring at me; anticipating what I was going to say.
"I miss you too Sidney."
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